Today, November 21, is my birthday.
In fact, I'm not sure what to write? And How to express my feelings?
I can't say I'm more excited or more indifferent. I'm not sure If I'm interested in my future, and how I may meet my expectations at the personal or professional level for the new year, or If I don't care anymore about anything.
I always wonder when my time will come? when my moment will be? What moment?! My dreams and my Passion & goals. I stopped worrying about anything. I don't know what the future holds for me? I can see and feel how my mind shifted from someone who is ambitious to someone who is careless.
This year and last year were very stressful ones. I believe that I have my biggest disappointment ever during this time. I've seen myself losing control, I've seen myself feeling empty inside, other times feeling left over. My passion to improve myself and motivation was at the lowest level possible. Yet, I survived, but with heavy costs, and a lot of burdens over my back.
I had to make some decisions against my will, I encountered some feelings, that were not expected, and also was so powerful that I try to test and deny them but failed. Mixed of love, hate, envy, loss, desperate, and content.
I have heard harsh words from my dearest and the closest person to me. I've noticed how people may change over time. They say words are so powerful and can hurt a lot. Yes! I have examples.
Each year, I grow up old. Chasing tirelessly the time. I've become more thoughtful, more worried, more vulnerable over simple things. As time pass, I'm getting more into feeling that I'm old to others, and misunderstood. I'm losing my confidence at some point. I always feel like I'm missing something but can't tell what exactly, is it a person or a thing? Not quite sure.
It may seem that I'm over doubt about what the future holds, and this can be justified over things that I encountered. But still, I believe in god, and that I still have time to do what I want, and have my moment. I strongly believe.
And life goes on...
