Monday, January 30, 2017

The Hard lesson of love.

In our dream life & in the process of growing up, we desire to have things that normally everyone will desire, or think they do. We desire to be wealthy, successful, healthy & loved. We working hard to get things done, chase our dreams to reach the ultimate goal & our soul to trace the significant other, the one that completes the other part of the circle of our life.

When it comes to reality, We will realize that not all we want will happen, no matter what we try or how much effort we put in it, it won’t. As simple as that. There are things we don’t want it to happen but yet need to accept them, things we don’t want to know or face but yet need to learn a lesson from them, there’s that one we thought H/She will never leave & we will not able to live without but yet have to accept the reality H/She has gone. life goes on.

What freaks me out is that I spend a lot of time & energy thinking of where to be & how to achieve my goals but forgetting when & where to start, and if I follow a path or a plan. I may end up with a dead-end. In each similar scenario, I have to take a detour & move forward. It works fine for me as I embrace it & considered as a necessity of growing up & to be more mature & wise. When it comes to a matter of love, I will hesitate & mostly will not get involved in. I’m not sure why? The scariest thing about love is, it can’t be controlled; it involves two person’s efforts, when you put effort & energy into something, you expect results, but in love definition, when the other is not doing the same efforts then, it is a waste of energy; It downgrades you by the time pass by, makes you forgets everything. The scariest thing about love is you can’t guarantee this person would stay with you, in general, you can’t guarantee almost anything. When you decide to leave, you will force yourself to, it is not a self-willing act it, a forceful act, you try to find any single reason to stay, but you ended up with the feeling of failure, rejection & disappointment.

The pain of losing the one you love, the significant other is so devastating, you need to recover but you are not willing to undergo this over again. The human is by nature expecting the worse & act accordingly.

You may on another hand, have someone is doing efforts to be with you, thinking that you as the other half of h/hers, you may think the same, you may feel that this is life & the one you had been in love deeply before was really not meant to you; you have learned the lesson since then. Logically, I have found my half now, this person is what I’m looking for, I should do some effort to keep this person close. Yet you still have this idea of losing whispering to you "it won’t end up like you want it to be". The pain inside still have a scar in your heart & soul.

It’s so painful! When the other half arrives late to your heart, trying to attach to your half. When you tried before to do the same from your perspective but didn’t work well. Your soul is so afraid, your mind is in chaos & your heart is so broken & you don’t feel you are ready to start over again. When you have an idea that not every happy beginning will end up as a happy ending. When you learn a lesson & becoming more mature, you will be more scared to get yourself again to the same scenario; it scares you a lot & everything will be less interesting.

I’m surprised how people able to go through this over & over again, I can't change my heart & shift my feeling that easily, it will take a time to process & during this time, the other one will feel neglected & will stop trying. I have been loved twice; in each, I find it hard to overcome. The first I learned a lesson not to through all my feelings into, the second I was caution enough to learn but yet have that idea when believing in something it will happen. The first is from other religion & beliefs which ended up in that way, she got married & I wished all the best she can have, I was living my life having her around. Far away but alive, when her son will be born, does she think about me? Even in seconds. My world was safe as long she is safe. She was killed which torn my broken heart much more. The other, she reminded me of the first & more, I may say I hesitated right, I may say that things around were not helping, I may say I started to love her each day, I may say I felt I’m losing her, I may say I lost her, I may say it was a game over to my heart. I also wished her a good life, I also wonder if I ever jumped into her head for seconds.

People have asked me: When you will love someone? when you will get married? you are getting old. I may say: I loved with all my heart, not once, twice. In each I ended up heartbroken, I show a great interest of the person I'm in love with, I find hard to replace this person for someone else, A feeling of betrayal & guilt will overcome me & even if I overcome that feeling, I find it hard to start a new relationship, I Have been in love before, I ended up alone, I sometimes imagine if she texts me or sends me a message if she enters my life again in any form, I’m scared to see her again or text her back. My heart will beat fast, I feel like I have to put effort to please her, to have the smile on her face. I’m still in love with her in a way that I’m not willing to start a new love, not willing to do anything. It is better in that way & much safer.

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