The fine line between love and dreams

Years ago! I was introduced to a movie called "La La land", it is a musical, comedy, romantic movie. I really enjoyed the movie (If you've never seen the movie, don't read this line) Mainly it talks about two-person, who both are passionately in love. However, they didn't end up together because, each one has a dream, and instead of being selfless and work together in the relationship, they act like a selfish person, who prefer h/her needs over being together.

So the movie had this question in my head and starts wrapping up over again. Is being selfish in love is a good thing? particularly in the early stage. You put your needs first over the other person dreams and goals in the term of relationship responsibilities and have her dreams and goals diminished.

This same selfish person, who always encourages people to chase their dreams, builds their personality first, is the same person, who - at this moment - is trying to do the opposite now! just because he feels that he needs to do it. Is it a hypocrite?

For example, A girl with an ambition to pursue her studies abroad falls in love with you, who -from the Otherside- do realize that continuing this relationship will be more likely end up her dreams. Still, you intend to continue per your need to be in a relationship and the possibility that you will not be able to support or fulfill her dreams.

You may say find a person who you both have the same dream, it is not working that way actually all the time. I mean, sometimes the difference between both is what sparks the relationship. 

When someone falls in love, it becomes superior to other things. It will shift your priorities, but still, at a certain point in life, you will think about the dreams you left. Do you regret your choice of love then? Does the other person feel guilty? 

I don't mean to be in a toxic relationship, that benefits me over the other. I feel that if I become more selfless, and want to support her. I would let her complete her dreams and goals, even though this means that I will lose her. I believe - as a caring person - should inform her of both scenarios.

I also believe that a healthy relationship is that one that has both love and dreams aligned together, you both play all the cards any way possible, hoping that both cards will become closer than ever. It is easy to say it but hard to adapt it at the end.

Anf life goes on...

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It always amazes me how? of a sudden, you know a girl, who you put all your time, effort, to make them feel secure and loved. Listening to her daily problems, her unstable feelings, trying hard to confront her, encourage her, motivate her. Then in a moment, some random guy comes around, and holla, you are in the back door. Hello, Where are you? I miss you. I feel you are not the same as before, then hear the same answer all the time "I'm busy", she said. 

I don't understand why being good will not give any value to girls. Being there whenever needed is worthless. Treat her with love and respect is not admirable. Being good will put you in the last, you will option number 2, 3, 4, or maybe not an option at all! 

She simply thinks that you are available all the time, and easy to get, but she never knows what's going on from the guy's perspective. During this time of being neglected and not valued, he will suffer a lot, especially if he really loves the girl or care a lot about her. He will wake, eat, drink, go out, do various things, sleep. And within all these actions, she's in his mind. Wondering why? Slow replies, not showing interest like before. What did he do wrong? You have done nothing wrong except treating her like a queen, while she starts treating you like some random guy passed by. 

Then after a long time... She is heartbroken, or made her decision and regrets it. She's approaching you again, see you like her superhero, telling you how you were to her. How many times you stood beside her, how your hand was the only one, which helped her survive and lift up from the deep down of the sorrow. 

For any girl, you need to understand this, during this time, guys never stopped loving you, never stopped thinking about you, But, they -at a certain time - realized it is better to stop investing time and energy in you. They do realize that you don't have any excuse. if they ask you why you are not texting me anymore, and you have a shallow excuse, they know that you have your phone all the time, and simply if you show interest, it takes a few seconds to say Hi!.. Then they start the -No Contact rule - and see. nothing changes like she's saying "You are nothing to me", it breaks the guys' hearts a lot... But time will heal.

Youtube: The Airborne Toxic Even - Sometimes around midnight

So, when you decide to come back, they do care... it is as simple as this: "If you truly care about someone, the mind will tell you no but the heart still". However, at this stage, their mind will overcome whatever heart willing to do. The weaker the mind dominate is, the more the struggle will have. He will be very cautious, not with you, but with any other girl. He may be more hesitant to get into a relationship. He will remember how you mistreated him the way you should do, and think. It is like a business that never closed. Know the fact he lost interest like before is really hard for him to handle. I'm not sure how to describe it, but simply ruin his life over again, especially when he moved on or was in the middle of getting into a relationship.

Please do not make the guy fall deep to you. If you don't like them, simply inform them and walk away, if you do, and he's there for you, treating you with love and respect, Do not let him go. Because if you do, you might regret it all of your life. 

Youtube: Mohammed Assaf - Mraytak (Your mirror)

And life goes on...

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I've been in this position where I don't express myself correctly, and whatever I'm going through resides inside of me, and it's difficult for me to articulate it. Inside, there are too many ideas, feelings, and confusion. A series of unfortunate events in my personal and professional lives collided, absorbing my energy, passion, and desire to improve. 

People may see this as an attempt to justify someone who has failed by making excuses. I have no fear of falling! I'm going to stand up again. I'm not worried if my efforts don't yield the results I hoped for. I'll learn to meet and exceed expectations. I don't care what kind of action I'm doing or how others see it as long as I've set my mind to it. 

The core issue of my status is being disappointed (let down). This feeling -in addition to being helpless- is the worst feeling that I will face in life. When this happens, I feel numb, losing my enthusiasm, nothing matters to me. My mind will be on fire, my heart is drowning. I will have many fights, many conflicts, and many feeling disorders. Like a flaming fire stove, left alone in the house, away from everyone. My soul will be far away from me.

                                              And nothing makes us more silent .. than disappointment 

                                                     

At a personal level, I'm being disappointed in someone, who really I love and care about the most. It is very hard to deal with this feeling. Especially when they surprise you with an act or behavior that you would not dare to expect to come from them. When feeling neglected, and thrown away as easy as cracking your fingers. When everything you've done is worth nothing. Not the first time in life, but from that special person. 

What hurts more, is the act of being defensive and denial when confessing about these actions or behaviors. It really hurt me more, when you underestimating my feeling when I have doubts about my value to you. You don't know how I will suffocate when I try to say something then stop, pretend like I don't care but I do! when loss the eagerness to admonition. It is not the conflicts that we face that are the problems, but it is the accumulation of disappointing actions that you keep sending my way, that slowly killing me inside.

I also think that even if you do a great job at work, there's a certain situation when you will meet a person, who's climbing over the shoulder, or a supervisor, who does not listen to employees and shows an act of favoritism. When things not going on as it expected or at least, as it should be.  All together, may have an impact, and eventually, will lead to losing motivation to work, or improve. 

I'm isolating myself from others, I specifically expanding the gap between me and that person, Am I? How do you tell if someone is telling you the value you the same as before, but their actions don't. I really want to be that, really!  I'm here from you! You know that for years, but I don't know from your side for now. With all this, I'm afraid of another disappointment, especially from you. It is amazing how time changes people.

Whoever will read this, If you or some mysterious person. I don't know what to do, but I will survive; the time will wipe away everything, but scars remain.

 I lost a lot at the personal and work levels that I can not undo. I underestimate myself, and the consequences of what happened especially at work are something that was partially my fault, but now, somehow, suffering the result of my losing passion.

You are the light in my life, not recently but long years ago. It is you who I've always seen as a hope of something shining in my life, after one disappointment to another, It's not the action or behavior you have done that makes me sad & disappointed, more than neglecting the fact that you know I was hurt, that I expressed my thoughts, and what disappoints me about you is that you took a step back by lying and denying. That, after all, is how I feel when I'm left alone.

    

ما زلت أذكرها

ما زلت اذكرها

برغم مرور السنين والاشهر والايام

ما زلت أذكرها

عطرها، شعرها، عينيها وضحكتها

ما زلت أذكرها

كيف إنساها وهي في القلب نبض وللروح غذاء وللحب أه

ما زلت أذكرها

لا أدري هل هو قدري أم هو وهم عابر 

ما زلت إذكرها

 رحمك الله، تركت روحا هائمة بدون عنوان مليئة بالخذلان

ما زلت أذكرها وما زلت وزلت..

فما هو المصير.. أن لم يكتب لهذا الحب نهاية سوى الشوق والحزن والحرمان.

The Philosophy of the stars & love

Why I love the Stars? Why I consider the stars as a symbol of happiness, love & hope for me.

The love of stars has an old story, when I was around 10 years old, my father used to teach me & my brothers about the stars & the name of each, by the time, I started to know shape of group stars & names of common stars, for where I started to admire the stars as a sign of inspiration & happiness to me.

The Night is dark, Quiet & loneliness; this combination summarize our life. We don’t have a full control of our life, we can’t foresee the future; its dark for us.

We at times, suffer of being disappointed & Sad or being satisfied & happy. We at times, feel so alone despite having everything, the life is a scary thing in which we have to work hard to get what we want, yet, we can’t have everything we love.

 The Sky represents our life; It's expand beyond our sight just like the things we dream about and it has endless edge just like our ambition, the dark represents the unknown future, the disappointments & loneliness. The only thing that makes alive is being loved by the people around you. The stars are the people, the ones who lighten up your life when it is so dark & quiet; encourages you to survive. one star may represent your parents, other is your partner, your friend, your pet. The most shining star is the one you love the most.

The stars also are far away from US, the sun is the nearest star to us but no, the night stars are more valuable to me; the Sun lights reach us around 8 mins, while the stars are far away from US. This represents the idea no matter how far are your loved ones, alive or dead. Their lights will be always guide you & encourages you to be strong & alive. It also indicated that with determination & hope, you will reach the end of the dark tunnel into the bright openings.

The love for anything should have a reason, this is a perfect equation & the root to solve any problem, you have to justify your love & hate for someone/something, and otherwise, you may not be able to solve any problem you may encounter or confess someone about how you feel about something.

In a relationship for example, you can’t naturally love someone for granted, you may admire the person loyalty, caring & passion, by the time, when you start getting away from this person, you may identify which things you were in love with at the beginning & you can’t find now. You may then tell this person that I loved you because you were a caring person and now you are not, you used be someone & now not. Or, when you have something you don’t love, you may sincere say that I hate this act or behavior from you.

 

I love the night & gazing the stars, I like walking in the night below the stars, and I like to sit in a chair or walk with someone I love, talking about life, love & the future or even being quiet at the night with a sky full of stars. I love the night stars. This kind of love will never fade away.

The Hard lesson of love.

In our dream life & in the process of growing up, we desire to have things that normally everyone will desire, or think they do. We desire to be wealthy, successful, healthy & loved. We working hard to get things done, chase our dreams to reach the ultimate goal & our soul to trace the significant other, the one that completes the other part of the circle of our life.

When it comes to reality, We will realize that not all we want will happen, no matter what we try or how much effort we put in it, it won’t. As simple as that. There are things we don’t want it to happen but yet need to accept them, things we don’t want to know or face but yet need to learn a lesson from them, there’s that one we thought H/She will never leave & we will not able to live without but yet have to accept the reality H/She has gone. life goes on.

What freaks me out is that I spend a lot of time & energy thinking of where to be & how to achieve my goals but forgetting when & where to start, and if I follow a path or a plan. I may end up with a dead-end. In each similar scenario, I have to take a detour & move forward. It works fine for me as I embrace it & considered as a necessity of growing up & to be more mature & wise. When it comes to a matter of love, I will hesitate & mostly will not get involved in. I’m not sure why? The scariest thing about love is, it can’t be controlled; it involves two person’s efforts when you put effort & energy into something, you expect results, but in love definition, when the other is not doing the same efforts then, it is a waste of energy; It downgrades you by the time pass by, makes you forgets everything. The scariest thing about love is you can’t guarantee this person would stay with you, in general, you can’t guarantee almost anything. When you decide to leave, you will force yourself to, it is not a self-willing act, a forceful act, you try to find any single reason to stay, but you ended up with the feeling of failure, rejection & disappointment.

The pain of losing the one you love, the significant other is so devastating, you need to recover but you are not willing to undergo this over again. The human is by nature expecting the worse & act accordingly.

You may on another hand, have someone is doing efforts to be with you, thinking that you as the other half of h/hers, you may think the same, you may feel that this is life & the one you had been in love deeply before was really not meant to you; you have learned the lesson since then. Logically, I have found my half now, this person is what I’m looking for, I should do some effort to keep this person close. Yet you still have this idea of losing whispering to you "it won’t end up like you want it to be". The pain inside still have a scar in your heart & soul.

It’s so painful! When the other half arrives late to your heart, trying to attach to your half. When you tried before to do the same from your perspective but didn’t work well. Your soul is so afraid, your mind is in chaos & your heart is so broken & you don’t feel you are ready to start over again. When you have an idea that not every happy beginning will end up as a happy ending. When you learn a lesson & becoming more mature, you will be more scared to get yourself again to the same scenario; it scares you a lot & everything will be less interesting.

I’m surprised how people able to go through this over & over again, I can't change my heart & shift my feeling that easily, it will take time to process & during this time, the other one will feel neglected & will stop trying. I have been loved twice; in each, I find it hard to overcome. The first I learned a lesson not to through all my feelings into, the second I was cautious enough to learn but yet have that idea when believing in something it will happen. The first is from other religion & beliefs which ended up in that way, she got married & I wished all the best she can have, I was living my life having her around. Far away but alive, when her son will be born, does she think about me? Even in seconds. My world was safe as long as she is safe. She was killed which torn my broken heart much more. The other, she reminded me of the first, she lightened my dark, cold heart again, I may say I hesitated right, I may say that things around were not helping, I may say I started to love her each day, I may say I felt I’m losing her, I may say I lost her, I may say it was a game over to my heart. I also wished her a good life, I also wonder if I ever jumped into her head for seconds.

People have asked me: When you will love someone? when you will get married? you are getting old. I may say: I loved with all my heart, not once, twice. In each I ended up heartbroken, I show a great interest of the person I'm in love with, I find hard to replace this person for someone else, A feeling of betrayal & guilt will overcome me & even if I overcome that feeling, I find it hard to start a new relationship, I Have been in love before, I ended up alone, I sometimes imagine if she texts me or sends me a message if she enters my life again in any form, I’m scared to see her again or text her back. My heart will beat fast, I feel like I have to put effort to please her, to have the smile on her face. I’m still in love with her in a way that I’m not willing to start a new love, not willing to do anything. It is better in that way & much safer.

Why Do I Miss Her?

© FB: Roadtrip

Why do I miss her? She moved away with her life, get married, Happy, I sincerely & always wish her good luck, but why do I miss her?

I'm living my life, everything is normal, but she is in my mind, no matter what I do? whatever the thing that distracts me, she came in a second & disappear, it is like she is telling me I'm here inside. You loved me down to the bone & you can't do anything about it.

Yes, I still do care about her! I sometimes ask about her, checking if she is doing fine? I 'm not sure from her end, frankly speaking, I'm not sure about her feeling, not the missing part apparently, at least the presence of me in her heart & mind. How's he doing? Is he still thinking about me? Did he find another girl to love? But all I ask myself is? Did she ever love me? why do I miss her?

 I used to build walls whenever love strikers, searching for that special one, I learned the hard way that you should not fall 100% in love & have loyalty to someone at the early beginning, You are not sure how the other person feels towards you. not sure how the ending will be. Well, I lost someone special, She died in a terrorist attack, It was something still can't bear it.

Since that time, I started to build my walls, rejecting every offer to open the gate to my heart. No, I don't want to! laughing to my co-workers without saying anything the reason why? I feel I'm Betraying her "whispering to myself" She died "My mind replies", I Know but, But what? you have to move on, no dear I won't.

                                   

Adele - Chasing Pavements

Years Passed & after throwing away every opportunity to start a relationship, I kept my walls high, Until I met her, & the lesson still in my head, Don't fall completely in love.

I started to approach slowly & wisely, She had that special halo around her, the same Halo I'd noticed with the first. She was a beauty queen but her inner beauty which i loved the most is charming, She was hiding that with big walls of her. Yes! she was that type, securing her heart, rejecting every offer to open it.

I've decided, no matter how difficult it is? I will be the one who opens his heart, make her inner beauty blossom outside. I tried & tried, Taking measurable steps & being extra cautious, after all, life gave me a lesson & it will be repeated until you figure it out, I was acting accordingly. I can say I got something "or it was a Facade", I was feeling more confident & happy "Or Maybe I was fooling myself" I remember how she opens up her heart, sharing her interests with me, her troubles. I was waiting for the right moment for me. I was preparing to start a new level, yes I had a tough time during the same days, in which during when I noticed I started to lose her, I was rejecting this Idea, My mind wants to build the walls again, My heart falls in love... Completely

Labrinth - Beneath you are beautiful

Then, it comes again, She got engaged, She has a new lover, Someone who opens her heart, she welcomes the new conquer throwing me away from her heart "Or maybe I wasn't there". The rest is history.

I'm not sure, Why do I miss her? we didn't have a relationship in order to reject me & feel the need to wants her? I even still questioning if my heart was fooling me all the time? Did she ever think of me? Does she really think about me from time to time? Does she really check about me? or, I'm not sure what to say? Her name is whispering in my mind. These questions I won't any response sooner or ever. It is a reminder to be like an Ice ALL THE TIME. COLD & Beautiful.

The Walls are so high now, I've turned to be very afraid to fall in love or even thinking about, I learned a lesson from this "or it is a lesson i made for me", If you love someone deeply if you find that special one that touches our soul, you won't get her.

Labrinth - Jealous 

No Matter how I try to hide it, it would show in any way available: My eyes, My Voice tone, My Nervousness about nothing, I missing her, the one who I'm not sure what she was in her mind & heart or what she is thinking right now? I Only Miss her.

As time passes, the more I understand that everything around me is starting to be less interesting, as long I have this void in my life, I'm not intending to fill it but, I'm missing her & Don't know the reason why?

Points of Nowhere

© FB: Art is a way of survival

I've been rolling over & over in the same place for a while, there's no time for silence in my mind. It's like my mind is trying to explode but my skull is holding it tight inside, a severe headache that knocking my forehead to get out. 

My vision is not so clear at the moment, I'm not sure who I'll be in a few years and who are the people I'll be with. But I'll keep going until it's all clear. I Have faith.

Big decisions require big sacrifice, life detours they say, A detour may open up to the big world, a world you would really flourish & find your self in & have your dreams on the process. Or, it may throw you back to beyond the starting point, to that little corner in the room where you always try to cry but you can't.

You are trying to be strong, all the time but in fact,  you are a weak inside, trying to hide it will kill you slowly & by the time you realize that, it may be too late to recover,

My happy side is hiding somewhere, and I'm trying to find it.

In people around me, in things, in places & in every little thing. Life gives a sign to follow, it may helps you to make a decision, if you didn't find it or ignore it,  you have to move on & find the next sign, it may not lead to the same direction but it will eventually lead you to what your heart desire, they say.

I have thoughts of me not reaching my goals, thoughts of people who left, died & have my heart broken, thoughts of things I wish I could do, but I couldn't. what if, what if I followed that sign, catch that opportunity, maybe & only maybe, I reach my goals & feel secure.

There will always be turning points, where we leave some people, leave some thoughts, some memories, and some mistakes behind us & begin a new life.

It is funny when after all these years, you are facing the same thoughts, these thoughts follow me before sleep. but instead of making an affirmative decision, you hesitate, yes, the typical you. The one who always hesitate when it comes to life detours.

But who knows, years passed have taught me a lot, looking to things in another perspective, goals may change, yes the main is still the same but the time forced me to drop this & that, add a thing or two, I feel numb now.

God, I know I'm only average. I'm not too religious. I make mistakes yet, I have a sense of right & wrong. Please guide me, I'm not sure where & how I will be. but I do know that, I lost people I love, detours I missed, signs I didn't follow, I lost my soul once & I'm not willing to live in worries anymore.

Happy Birthday & RIP

Today is your birthday in heaven, My prayers & blessings i send, Carried by the winds to you, not just for today but for everyday, I think of you all the time, Happy Birthday and, RIP.

You used to love this song.

  Josh Groban - When you say you love me

Why I Love her?!

An Old Poem written by me to a girl who i used to love; she doesn't know about it and she will never know. she was killed 6 years ago and despite everything and all distraction in our live, she still in my mind, my heart and my soul. God Bless Her.

Here it says

If Someone asked me why i love her; i would say
It's the softness of her skin
The love in her eyes and the lust in her lips
The curves in her body and the silk in her hair
The Charming of her smile ; The sweetness of her talk
The way that makes feel happy & Brights my day
The feeling of loving her each day and forever
That's what i would say.

Chapter Nine - September 2015

Moving forward; Holding a jar of a broken heart & a lantern of a bright future.

• This Month was a test to my ability to adopt with a new work environment.
• I proved again to myself that all my hardships are finally ready to harvest.
• I always say to myself: never under-estimate anything, it may sound easy to do or not an important advice but you have to keep learning & focus on everything said to your or read it because these small details will show how great work is.
• It has been over a two months since i moved away from her and my ex-work.
• Love can be proven to be real and sincere if distance didn't change anything toward the other person.
• When your hearts beats so fast, you legs is shaking like you can't even stand a still & you wondering why is that?!
• This how i felt when i came back to my ex-work place, walking to her room.
• She looks beautiful like always, her smile, her hair, her voice, her everything.
• Sorry Mind, My heart won again :(

Chapter 8 - August 2015

Moving forward into a new horizon, but holding down my scars

• It's a new month, new life, new work, new everything.
• Day by day, I feel more appreciated and more respected than ever.
• Maybe it is the first time that i feel i am part of something big and i am as important as anyone else
• It's a best plan to check if what i felt was genuine or not "for her".
• I realized later and despite new colleagues and work, i still thinking about what she is doing?!
• In Fact, I heard she is nervous in these days, don't know why?! 
• I Am learning new stuff, the more i get in depth, the more i am amazed of how organized my work place is and the more i know how deep i fall into her.

Chapter 7 - July 2015

New light on Horizon, mixed emotions.

• I Had My New Work Interview done, I have a new life to start.
• I Can say it comes on perfect time, it was supposed to be completed two monthes ago.
• I feel i can't give more than i am giving now to my current job.
• I need a new start, new aim, otherwise, i will not besatisfied about my work level.
• It is like you want to reach the sky, you climb the mountin and reach the top and yet you still didn't reach the sky, you new support to help reach the sky.
• No motivation or helpful resources offered by manager.
• My work was supposed to be on July, but due to my co-worker absence i got extension to have next month.
• My friends called me: Crazy, stupid and insane...leave them and go!! you are lossing money.
• It is called loyality, I will not feel comfortable leaving something undone for money.
• I have a positive attidue in my current work, for employes and company as well. it is hard to leave such job and people and ....... 
• I didn't tell all of people there, i didn't tell her to be specified. i don't know why?! she will never care at all, but even though, something inside me tell me not to do.
• when things was all cleared, and everyone knows, it was hard to me to see people feeling sad about my departure.
• It is after all life, I Have to leave for better future.
• I know what other feels about my departure, but never heard from her.
• I will never forget my life there, it was one of my best period for work even some disappointments occur in the middle, but it was okay.
• This quote: “The things you do for yourself are gone when you are gone, but the things you do for others remain as your legacy.”  feel like it fits to me describing my departure there.
• My new job after all, is a first step for long periond plan i am working on.
• I Had a mind-shifting after disappointing from her, she was the last hope that life worth something. I was planning to accompany me here and help her during process but, she got detour and i had mine as well.

Advice to Myself

I Don't know what the future holds for me, But i know who holds the past, the present and the future.

I Am beliveing in god for a better version of me.  

A Message to My father - رسالة ألى أبي

منذ مدة طويلة, كنت أخطط وأجلس مع نفسي!! متى سيحل اليوم الذي سأتي فيه أليك لأزورك ولأقبل قبرك. وما أن أتي اليوم الموعود فرحت كثيرا, وكنت أترقب لحظة وصولي أليك ولكن ككل أحلامي ومخططاتي, فهي ما أن أقترب من تحقيقها حتى يأتيني عامل غير متوقع يقلب الأمور رأسا على عقب. لم أستطع أيجاد قبرك من بين الألاف من القبور. المكان تغير منذ أخر مره أتيت أليك!! كأن الدنيا أبتلعت كل البشر وغيرت معالم المكان ونست بأن تأخذني معها لعلي ألتقي بك هناك; ليس تمنيا ولا فاقد الأيمان ولكن في هذه الدنيا من مساؤي والظلم والشر المباح والمستتر بالقدر الذي لا أريد رؤيته أطلاقا.

أتيت لعلي عند قبرك أخذ راحه لم أتهنى بها. أتيتك لأبوح ما بداخل صدري المثقل بالهموم أليك , لتدعو لي في سماء العليين الى الله فأنت الأن أقرب الى الله مني في هذه الحياة الفانية , طالبا منك السلام لجميع أحبتي هناك , خالي الغالي وتلك البنت التي أدعو الله بأن ألتقيت بها وعرفتها, تلك البنت التي ما زال أبنك يعشقها رغم مرور الزمان وتكالب الظروف والمأسي وجميع العوامل الدنيويه الأخرى بحلوها ومرها علي. لكنها بقت بذاكرتي وبقلبي ووجداني. جئت لأخبرها بأني وجدت ضالتي في فتاة بهذه الدنيا ولكنها للأسف ليست قدري. كأني سأعيش حياتي على قسمة غيري ولا أعرف ما هي قسمتي؟! لأخبرها بأني أحببتها ليس بقدر حبي لكِ ربما. ولكن وجدت فيها نفس روحك لأنه أعرف نفسي. لا أحب بسهوله فقلبي حجر في هذه الناحية, ولا أعشق شخصا الأ ليقيني بأن ما في داخله أجمل ما في خارجه وأن كان فائق الجمال فالذي يعشق الجمال أعمى والذي يعشق القلب يراه بلا عيب.

أتيت لأخبرك بعملي الجديد الذي سيبدأ الأسبوع القادم. وكيف لأول مره بحياتي أشعر بأن حياتي أصبحت أكثر انفتاحا وأكثر تفاؤلا بالمستقبل. وكيف لأول مره بحياتي أشعر باني سأخذ التقدير الذي أستحقه جزاء عملي وتعبي على نفسي بفضل الله وفضلك وفضل أمي الغالية. أتيت لأخبرك بما يجول بخاطري من أفكار للمستقبل, هل أتزوج أم لا؟! هل اسافر أو لا؟! هل أضيع تلك الفرصة وتلك الفتاة أو تلك الخطوة التي ستغير حياتي وأقصد تأخيرها بسبب الظروف المحيطة بي أو أنتظر تلك الأشياء لتأتيني مره أخرى بوقتها المناسب. مع يقيني بأن الفرصة لا تأتي مرتين والفتاة التي بنظري نادرة لا تتكرر مرتين والخطوة التي لن تخطوها فقد تعتبر نفسك متخاذل وهي عكس طبيعتي الجريئة وقد اندم عليها. لكن أكثر الأسباب هي يقيني بان جميع فرصي بشتى جوانب الحياة تأتي بوقتها الغير المناسب لي ولا أستطيع عمل شيء سوى الأنتظار لكي تواكب الظروف الفرص التي أتتني وحينها يكون كل ذو حاجه أخذ نصيبه وحالي حال المثل اللي بيقول "تكون في أيدك وتقسم لغيرك".

أردت ملاقتك, أحساس بروحك , بهالتك وبوجودك قربي. أردت أن توصل صوتي ودعائي الى الله الى أحبتي والى خالي ورغدة لعلكم تدعون لي وتشفعون ألي عند الله ولكني رجعت خائبا تائها منهارا لعدم لقياك وقراءة السور والدعاء عندك.

ذهبت لبيت أمام المتقين ومقامه ودعيت لك وذهبت للعباس ولأخيه سيد الشهداء الحسين رضي الله عنهم اجمعين, دعوت لك ودعوت لخالي ودعوة لرغدة بالجنة ولجميع أحبتي ورجوت قبول دعواتي وشفاعه نبي الرحمة والأئمة الصالحين عند الله عساها واصله أليكم في سماء العليين.

رجعت للبيت والحمدلله كلي أمل بحياة جديدة ومستقبل مشرق أن شاء الله وليقيني بأن الله ما يعطل شيئا الأ ليعطيك الأجمل من منطلق الأية التي تقول "وعسى أن تكرهوا شي وهو خير لكم". 

سلام من الدنيا الى جنات الخلد حيث ترقد يا والدي العزيز يا خالي الغالي ويا شمعه حياتي التي أنطفئت بموتك.

أرجو من الله اللقاء القريب بكم وأن كان لعمري زمنا فأرجو شفاعتكم عند الله.

An elegy for dearest father

أبي..

هذا اليوم من 2012 , رحلت عنا وتركت في قلبي فراغ كبير 

أذكر هذا اليوم جيدا وكيف كنت أطرق بابا بعد باب أسأل الناس عن المساعدة.

بخاخ.. أريد بخاخ من عنده بخاخ.

لا أحد, كسر بخاخك يوم أمس والأن أنت بحاجة الى بخاخ

قف أين ذاهب الأ تعلم الوقت الأن, ممنوع التجول 

لكنه أبي لا يهمني أجراءاتكم, أريد بخاخا

ورجعت وشعرت بعجز وقله حيل وخوف وقلق ورعب

لم أجلب البخاخ ولم أجدك في المنزل.

أين أبي قلتها منتظرا جوابا 

قالوا أباك ذهب للمستشفى لعلهم يسعفوه 

هرعت أليك مسرعا بسيارتي لعل قلبي يطمئن, فهناك يوجد ما يمكنه علاجك

ووصلت ونزلت وعيوني شاردة, فأذا بشخص بدلا من أن يطمئنني يصدمني 

أبوك توفى , أبوك مات , أبوك الى رحمه الله

صدمة لم أستوعبها لحظتها ولكنها بمرور الزمن أنهكتني

 دخلت ورأيتك راقدا, مبتسما مطمئنا قانعا 

كأنك قلت للموت تعال أهلا بك ونسيت بأن لك أحباب في الدنيا غير مستعدين للوداع.

في هذه اللحظة غادر من كان يشعل شمعة الأمل 

من غير عودة وبلا أستعداد وبعجل

دنياي كانت حلوة ولكنها بغيابك أصبحت مره لا طعم لها وخوف وجفاء ووجل 

مزقت قلبي ووجداني برحيلك , فكيف لي بلقياك لعل قلبي برؤيتك يندمل

وكيف الصبر على فراقك يا أبتي فما أنا بمعتاد على فراقك ولا مستعد لرحيلك أبدا

كم بلغت وسأبلغ في دنيا حظوة, لكن سيبقي نقص في داخلي يقتلني 

ضياع, وحدة, فراغ ووحشة

خوف ,قلق ,حرمان ورهبة

رحلت فجأة بلا عودة ولكنها مشيئة الرحمن 

تأخذ روحا أليها وتقتل أخرى بدنياها الوعرة

فكيف السبيل الى وصالك ولقياك يا أبتي 

فبغير الموت دعائي له ما ينقطع

فلعلي بموتي أخلص من دنيا موحشة

فيها القتل والجوع والفساد منتشر

فيا رب أرحم أبي وأرحم جميع أحبتي الذين تركوني

فما لي في هذه الدنيا من حبيب ولا أمل

وبارك له مثواه وأسكنه فسيح جناتك 

فمن رباني وأحسن تربيتي لا يجوز له غير الجنة مكانا ومستقرا 

Chapter 6 - June 2015

Half year Past, New Half to live  

• I Feel like i am in my highest peak at work.
• Last month, I was this close to routine and i was desperatley need a break from work.
• I never feel active like in these days.
• Despite that, I Still have Scars from her i have to deal with them Everyday.
• It is a fact that I am not showing any signs of weakness or desperation, no one is sensing them, yet, i am good at hiding them, overcome them and have my life flows perfectly like nothing to worry about. it called mature and life experience.
• Sometimes i look at her smiling, or watch her walking by, what is in her mind ?! does she wonder what is in mine as well?!
• I Helped My cousin in her exams in middle of my busy schedule, finally she will graduate from college. 
• it is like: I Am A person who helps everybody and walks away after mission is accomplished, and now one is helping in return.

Advice to Myself

“The most important thing is to enjoy your life—to be happy—it's all that matters.”  Audrey Hepburn

Chapter 4 - April 2015

A Person Who hates everyone right now Once loved someone so much. 

• I Lost My smile, my soul and my life after losing her.
• I Am trying to distract my mind: reading books one after another, watching movies from time to time, all gave me a temporary distraction which ends by time i stop reading or watching an interesting book/movie.

• I Am trying to survive at my work, i feel i don't have any aim to proceed further, it is not the work itself but it is me.

Advise to Myself:
To avoid heart broken: Do Nothing, Say Nothing, Be Nothing
nothing is something to others

Chapter 3 - March 2015

You Can lose your pride to the one you love, rather than lose the one you love because of pride

• I Lost her, completely; lost my heart with her.
• It feels like my life is like re-run show, with minor changes on it. And the only thing that varies is that i am older in age, more experience and more disappointment and devastating inside. 

• I was working on something that will make my life better on financial and work aspect; i am waiting for a outcomes of my results, will it be a new hope or another disappointment ?! 

• An Old thought always jumps into my mind and i am starting to accept it: since my childhood, i decided to work on myself, practically and intellectually , always depend on myself to do things that i want to do from simplest things by making breakfast or hard things like take care of myself in all aspects, this all based on facts that i don't want to be dependable on someone and i am master of myself and ready to offer help when needed and preparing myself to live in the end: ALONE.
• Whoever said books are best friend in all time, then i bow for him #almotanabbi

Chapter Two - February 2015

Every cloud has a silver lining.

• I am very blessed in the beginning of this month, very busy in the middle , very confused in the end

• Life is shifting direction to positive side in some points, resides in shadows in other points.

• I love books, I need to buy books, at least i can run away to a world of my imagination not like my world.

• Killing people is like a salad to some people, i feel bad if i have doubt of hurting someone feelings even without no intention to do so.

• if you work on yourself , you will get a reward after all.

• I feel like i am loosing her, she is pushing her self away, is it me ?! or what ?! 

Advise to myself 

Be Optimistic after all, what meant to you, will always be to you what meant not to you

well, you will figure out how to make it for you after all.

Chapter One - January 2015

In life

Helping Others is nice 

Helping too much is bad for you ONLY

but I keep doing it for same person, for years

• They Say it's a new year, a new hope , a new plan & a new you, I don't see any.

• I Am tired, confused and exhausted 

• In the beginning of this month , i was wondering what she is doing ?! she is been in recovery since last month and back on 14th, she seems happy of outcome which is great. i was wondering if she thought the same back to me like i did. or not ?!  

Advise to myself

 If a man lives on his past, then he takes out the present and forgets about the future.
if a man ignores the past, he may take out the future and forgets his present.
Keep your past, learn from mistakes and live the present to seed the future like you want it to be.