- A Message to Future Self -

 

"I don't know if this will be a great moment or this will make it worse for you to remember this, but I hope you will read the message and the smile on your face."

Dear Future Self,

If you see this message again in a few years, and you are still alive, I want to congratulate you on not giving up on yourself. For hanging in there just a little bit longer... For sticking it out & staying upright in the face of all the setbacks. To deal with your inner demons... Despite the fact that you were sometimes depressed, but you are always a joyful person...For hoping that the people in your life will soon recognize your worth... I'm relieved you've moved on. I'm glad you've learned from your past, and it does not put weighs on you. I'm glad you're pleased. I'm glad you've found happiness. I'm glad that you are moving on with your business, I'm glad you are happy with your life, in a way that you can not wait to wake from the bed to start your day. I'm glad you've found your shining star, someone who loves you now,  I'm curious to know who she is...Thank you for allowing yourself to be who you are. .  I'm so thankful that you didn't forget me, you keep your personality and principles the same. I adore you.

Written on July 11, 2021, at 10:30 pm 

Points of Nowhere

© FB: Art is a way of survival

I've been rolling over & over in the same place for a while, there's no time for silence in my mind. It's like my mind is trying to explode but my skull is holding it tight inside, a severe headache that knocking my forehead to get out. 

My vision is not so clear at the moment, I'm not sure who I'll be in a few years and who are the people I'll be with. But I'll keep going until it's all clear. I Have faith.

Big decisions require big sacrifice, life detours they say, A detour may open up to the big world, a world you would really flourish & find your self in & have your dreams on the process. Or, it may throw you back to beyond the starting point, to that little corner in the room where you always try to cry but you can't.

You are trying to be strong, all the time but in fact,  you are a weak inside, trying to hide it will kill you slowly & by the time you realize that, it may be too late to recover,

My happy side is hiding somewhere, and I'm trying to find it.

In people around me, in things, in places & in every little thing. Life gives a sign to follow, it may helps you to make a decision, if you didn't find it or ignore it,  you have to move on & find the next sign, it may not lead to the same direction but it will eventually lead you to what your heart desire, they say.

I have thoughts of me not reaching my goals, thoughts of people who left, died & have my heart broken, thoughts of things I wish I could do, but I couldn't. what if, what if I followed that sign, catch that opportunity, maybe & only maybe, I reach my goals & feel secure.

There will always be turning points, where we leave some people, leave some thoughts, some memories, and some mistakes behind us & begin a new life.

It is funny when after all these years, you are facing the same thoughts, these thoughts follow me before sleep. but instead of making an affirmative decision, you hesitate, yes, the typical you. The one who always hesitate when it comes to life detours.

But who knows, years passed have taught me a lot, looking to things in another perspective, goals may change, yes the main is still the same but the time forced me to drop this & that, add a thing or two, I feel numb now.

God, I know I'm only average. I'm not too religious. I make mistakes yet, I have a sense of right & wrong. Please guide me, I'm not sure where & how I will be. but I do know that, I lost people I love, detours I missed, signs I didn't follow, I lost my soul once & I'm not willing to live in worries anymore.

Chapter Nine - September 2015

Moving forward; Holding a jar of a broken heart & a lantern of a bright future.

• This Month was a test to my ability to adopt with a new work environment.
• I proved again to myself that all my hardships are finally ready to harvest.
• I always say to myself: never under-estimate anything, it may sound easy to do or not an important advice but you have to keep learning & focus on everything said to your or read it because these small details will show how great work is.
• It has been over a two months since i moved away from her and my ex-work.
• Love can be proven to be real and sincere if distance didn't change anything toward the other person.
• When your hearts beats so fast, you legs is shaking like you can't even stand a still & you wondering why is that?!
• This how i felt when i came back to my ex-work place, walking to her room.
• She looks beautiful like always, her smile, her hair, her voice, her everything.
• Sorry Mind, My heart won again :(

Chapter 7 - July 2015

New light on Horizon, mixed emotions.

• I Had My New Work Interview done, I have a new life to start.
• I Can say it comes on perfect time, it was supposed to be completed two monthes ago.
• I feel i can't give more than i am giving now to my current job.
• I need a new start, new aim, otherwise, i will not besatisfied about my work level.
• It is like you want to reach the sky, you climb the mountin and reach the top and yet you still didn't reach the sky, you new support to help reach the sky.
• No motivation or helpful resources offered by manager.
• My work was supposed to be on July, but due to my co-worker absence i got extension to have next month.
• My friends called me: Crazy, stupid and insane...leave them and go!! you are lossing money.
• It is called loyality, I will not feel comfortable leaving something undone for money.
• I have a positive attidue in my current work, for employes and company as well. it is hard to leave such job and people and ....... 
• I didn't tell all of people there, i didn't tell her to be specified. i don't know why?! she will never care at all, but even though, something inside me tell me not to do.
• when things was all cleared, and everyone knows, it was hard to me to see people feeling sad about my departure.
• It is after all life, I Have to leave for better future.
• I know what other feels about my departure, but never heard from her.
• I will never forget my life there, it was one of my best period for work even some disappointments occur in the middle, but it was okay.
• This quote: “The things you do for yourself are gone when you are gone, but the things you do for others remain as your legacy.”  feel like it fits to me describing my departure there.
• My new job after all, is a first step for long periond plan i am working on.
• I Had a mind-shifting after disappointing from her, she was the last hope that life worth something. I was planning to accompany me here and help her during process but, she got detour and i had mine as well.

Advice to Myself

I Don't know what the future holds for me, But i know who holds the past, the present and the future.

I Am beliveing in god for a better version of me.  

A Message to My father - رسالة ألى أبي

منذ مدة طويلة, كنت أخطط وأجلس مع نفسي!! متى سيحل اليوم الذي سأتي فيه أليك لأزورك ولأقبل قبرك. وما أن أتي اليوم الموعود فرحت كثيرا, وكنت أترقب لحظة وصولي أليك ولكن ككل أحلامي ومخططاتي, فهي ما أن أقترب من تحقيقها حتى يأتيني عامل غير متوقع يقلب الأمور رأسا على عقب. لم أستطع أيجاد قبرك من بين الألاف من القبور. المكان تغير منذ أخر مره أتيت أليك!! كأن الدنيا أبتلعت كل البشر وغيرت معالم المكان ونست بأن تأخذني معها لعلي ألتقي بك هناك; ليس تمنيا ولا فاقد الأيمان ولكن في هذه الدنيا من مساؤي والظلم والشر المباح والمستتر بالقدر الذي لا أريد رؤيته أطلاقا.

أتيت لعلي عند قبرك أخذ راحه لم أتهنى بها. أتيتك لأبوح ما بداخل صدري المثقل بالهموم أليك , لتدعو لي في سماء العليين الى الله فأنت الأن أقرب الى الله مني في هذه الحياة الفانية , طالبا منك السلام لجميع أحبتي هناك , خالي الغالي وتلك البنت التي أدعو الله بأن ألتقيت بها وعرفتها, تلك البنت التي ما زال أبنك يعشقها رغم مرور الزمان وتكالب الظروف والمأسي وجميع العوامل الدنيويه الأخرى بحلوها ومرها علي. لكنها بقت بذاكرتي وبقلبي ووجداني. جئت لأخبرها بأني وجدت ضالتي في فتاة بهذه الدنيا ولكنها للأسف ليست قدري. كأني سأعيش حياتي على قسمة غيري ولا أعرف ما هي قسمتي؟! لأخبرها بأني أحببتها ليس بقدر حبي لكِ ربما. ولكن وجدت فيها نفس روحك لأنه أعرف نفسي. لا أحب بسهوله فقلبي حجر في هذه الناحية, ولا أعشق شخصا الأ ليقيني بأن ما في داخله أجمل ما في خارجه وأن كان فائق الجمال فالذي يعشق الجمال أعمى والذي يعشق القلب يراه بلا عيب.

أتيت لأخبرك بعملي الجديد الذي سيبدأ الأسبوع القادم. وكيف لأول مره بحياتي أشعر بأن حياتي أصبحت أكثر انفتاحا وأكثر تفاؤلا بالمستقبل. وكيف لأول مره بحياتي أشعر باني سأخذ التقدير الذي أستحقه جزاء عملي وتعبي على نفسي بفضل الله وفضلك وفضل أمي الغالية. أتيت لأخبرك بما يجول بخاطري من أفكار للمستقبل, هل أتزوج أم لا؟! هل اسافر أو لا؟! هل أضيع تلك الفرصة وتلك الفتاة أو تلك الخطوة التي ستغير حياتي وأقصد تأخيرها بسبب الظروف المحيطة بي أو أنتظر تلك الأشياء لتأتيني مره أخرى بوقتها المناسب. مع يقيني بأن الفرصة لا تأتي مرتين والفتاة التي بنظري نادرة لا تتكرر مرتين والخطوة التي لن تخطوها فقد تعتبر نفسك متخاذل وهي عكس طبيعتي الجريئة وقد اندم عليها. لكن أكثر الأسباب هي يقيني بان جميع فرصي بشتى جوانب الحياة تأتي بوقتها الغير المناسب لي ولا أستطيع عمل شيء سوى الأنتظار لكي تواكب الظروف الفرص التي أتتني وحينها يكون كل ذو حاجه أخذ نصيبه وحالي حال المثل اللي بيقول "تكون في أيدك وتقسم لغيرك".

أردت ملاقتك, أحساس بروحك , بهالتك وبوجودك قربي. أردت أن توصل صوتي ودعائي الى الله الى أحبتي والى خالي ورغدة لعلكم تدعون لي وتشفعون ألي عند الله ولكني رجعت خائبا تائها منهارا لعدم لقياك وقراءة السور والدعاء عندك.

ذهبت لبيت أمام المتقين ومقامه ودعيت لك وذهبت للعباس ولأخيه سيد الشهداء الحسين رضي الله عنهم اجمعين, دعوت لك ودعوت لخالي ودعوة لرغدة بالجنة ولجميع أحبتي ورجوت قبول دعواتي وشفاعه نبي الرحمة والأئمة الصالحين عند الله عساها واصله أليكم في سماء العليين.

رجعت للبيت والحمدلله كلي أمل بحياة جديدة ومستقبل مشرق أن شاء الله وليقيني بأن الله ما يعطل شيئا الأ ليعطيك الأجمل من منطلق الأية التي تقول "وعسى أن تكرهوا شي وهو خير لكم". 

سلام من الدنيا الى جنات الخلد حيث ترقد يا والدي العزيز يا خالي الغالي ويا شمعه حياتي التي أنطفئت بموتك.

أرجو من الله اللقاء القريب بكم وأن كان لعمري زمنا فأرجو شفاعتكم عند الله.

Moving Backwards..

A Nighty-Conversation Between Me & Myself!

Myself: How’s everything is going with you?!

Me: I don’t know, I feel like I am alone but unique, optimistic but have no clue about future, nothing seems positive on horizon.

Myself: you have all potential to be a successful person as you are right now! Why to worry?!

Me: I have to admit that I worked hard for myself but looking to my current status: finically and socially, I Believe that I am not successful at all.

Myself: but you get a good job and your life is stable, you’ve been proven yourself as a successful person and will have results soon

Me: it is not about getting results, I feel like that despite everything I worked on, I still circling in same spot, whenever I achieve something, level up my life, I had unexpected issue that ruin everything to me and take out the blood from my veins, have me returned to first place like a fresh graduate student that will start his career.

Myself: what do you mean exactly?!

Me: it means that I wasted time in my life doing everything but have results of person doing nothing.

Myself: oh, I got you. But at least you get experience, which will boast your life.

Me: Okay, I believe you don’t get me right.

Myself: oh dear, you are overreacting things, life is not colorful after all there’s ups and downs with it and you have to deal with it.

Me: I Am fully understand definition of life, but does that means that working hard rewards nothing.

Myself: you have to keep trying, life is unfair sometimes.

Me: it is unfair as a fact, sometimes you need luck to progress, but I don’t thing that unfair will keep rolling back in your area. There should be time to be fair with you.

Myself: and you have to wait to that moment.

Me: you still didn’t get me, I’ve been stepped back many times and say it is okay and start moving forward again and again but then life spank me back to zero.

Myself: okay

Me: the only difference is that time moving on.
Myself: so what?!

Me: time passing and I am rounding on same place, you make calculation.

Myself: so, you mean you waste energy and time for nothing.
Me: exactly.

Myself: you have to let things go and work according to factor you have currently.

Me: This is the point, I have to let go things that supposed to be done earlier on beginning and was in middle of road of doing it and but then returned back to zero like nothing done.

Myself: and what’s the problem with that?!

Me: I am long term planner, now I have to get short term planning.

Myself: Right, SO!!

Me: During long term planning, you set goals and steps to progress your life, put some possibilities or flexibility for each step in order to overcome step downs, each step have its’ time to achieve to move to next step and so on.

Myself: and

Me: I finish step 1 which took me for example one year, and while working 2 then have unexpected event returns me back to zero and go on go on, time passes, then have to let go some things, because you realize that you are late.

Myself: and where’s problem with that?! It is a right decision.

Me: Looking to all your efforts and how you worked hard on yourself, comparing to others same age or same time: Less than you, but way better than you.

Myself: don’t compare yourself with others, this is unfair to you.

Me: I am comparing to show how failure I am,
I have my friends for example, they look at me as something special, because I really working hard on myself, but comparing to them, they look more stable than me.

Myself: you are not a failure, life didn’t work well for you.

Me: even though, I feel like I Am a failure despite everything.

Myself: since you worked hard for yourself then why to worry about being failure or successful, you will be successful after all.

Me: problem is not about being successful or not, problem is about time passing and you are reaching step 4 or 5 according to your plans, which is totally depends on first steps.

Myself: you feeling retired, a way back from you goals but older.

Me: exactly, when you reach a point in your life that you have to make critical decision: like marriage or start small business, these things need basement, the stronger the basement the higher confidence you will be to get into it.

Myself: these things can be wait.

Me: Life sometimes offers you an opportunity, you have to grab it but in my case.
I want to grab it but you can't because something pull you down.
It is like you want to step up but some unfinished business interrupts You and you have two Options:

• Either go and finish that thing that pulls down but you can't guarantee you will find that opportunity you want.
• Or grab it and expect unpleasant ending because logically you are not good enough.

Myself: if it is important and you want then you have to work hard even If it takes time.

Me: some things can be delayed, some can't.

it is like you have a rare chance and you are hesitate to grab or wait, but can't be sure that this chance will have it again, so you have to manipulate according to new factors, deleting some things, accelerate time to build up strong basement but again life is not helping.

Myself: you keep talking about time and age.

Me: it is as important factor.

Myself: no, it is not!

Me: when you have laws that protect you, support you then it is not a factor but when you lacks both then you have to work hard to achieve your things, time passes, life turns table on you, start again with time passes and again life will do its’ magical way to turn it again and return to beginning, then yeah time matters.

Myself: I Am Confused.

Me: tell me about it.

Myself: I believe I get your point, but don’t you believe in fate and if that thing meant for you then it will be for you.

Me: I believe in fate, but do you have any idea about your future?! Do you know what is for you and what is not?! Did god inform you that if you want something there's two options: you have to work for it or sit down and do nothing, in either way you will get that thing!

Myself: you are right. In order to achieve something you have to work for it and sometimes more than once.

If you get it then it is for you, if it is not then it is not meant to be.

Me: exactly, and this is what I am worrying about, I have a chance and need to work on it, my heart tells me to progress on it while my mind wants to stop as I am not ready.

Myself: typical heart and mind battle.

Me: yes and this thing is killing me inside, especially when that thing can’t be delayed and you may have one chance to grab, otherwise, you may lose it forever and feeling of regret will be hard to handle.

Myself: I have to admit that you have to make big decisions and time is limited.

Me: exactly, time and factors surrounding me is not helping but I will try to work accordingly and maybe I will get what I deserved.

Myself: I will go to sleep now, it is getting late and you have to wake up early tomorrow.
Me: A new day, full of hope and believe.

Myself: as always, I was very blessed to talk with you.

Me: Me too, we will talk another night.

Myself: Sure we will!
Me: nighty-night myself

Myself: Nighty and sweet dreams, Keep on faith

Me: as always