The Hard lesson of love.

In our dream life & in the process of growing up, we desire to have things that normally everyone will desire, or think they do. We desire to be wealthy, successful, healthy & loved. We working hard to get things done, chase our dreams to reach the ultimate goal & our soul to trace the significant other, the one that completes the other part of the circle of our life.

When it comes to reality, We will realize that not all we want will happen, no matter what we try or how much effort we put in it, it won’t. As simple as that. There are things we don’t want it to happen but yet need to accept them, things we don’t want to know or face but yet need to learn a lesson from them, there’s that one we thought H/She will never leave & we will not able to live without but yet have to accept the reality H/She has gone. life goes on.

What freaks me out is that I spend a lot of time & energy thinking of where to be & how to achieve my goals but forgetting when & where to start, and if I follow a path or a plan. I may end up with a dead-end. In each similar scenario, I have to take a detour & move forward. It works fine for me as I embrace it & considered as a necessity of growing up & to be more mature & wise. When it comes to a matter of love, I will hesitate & mostly will not get involved in. I’m not sure why? The scariest thing about love is, it can’t be controlled; it involves two person’s efforts when you put effort & energy into something, you expect results, but in love definition, when the other is not doing the same efforts then, it is a waste of energy; It downgrades you by the time pass by, makes you forgets everything. The scariest thing about love is you can’t guarantee this person would stay with you, in general, you can’t guarantee almost anything. When you decide to leave, you will force yourself to, it is not a self-willing act, a forceful act, you try to find any single reason to stay, but you ended up with the feeling of failure, rejection & disappointment.

The pain of losing the one you love, the significant other is so devastating, you need to recover but you are not willing to undergo this over again. The human is by nature expecting the worse & act accordingly.

You may on another hand, have someone is doing efforts to be with you, thinking that you as the other half of h/hers, you may think the same, you may feel that this is life & the one you had been in love deeply before was really not meant to you; you have learned the lesson since then. Logically, I have found my half now, this person is what I’m looking for, I should do some effort to keep this person close. Yet you still have this idea of losing whispering to you "it won’t end up like you want it to be". The pain inside still have a scar in your heart & soul.

It’s so painful! When the other half arrives late to your heart, trying to attach to your half. When you tried before to do the same from your perspective but didn’t work well. Your soul is so afraid, your mind is in chaos & your heart is so broken & you don’t feel you are ready to start over again. When you have an idea that not every happy beginning will end up as a happy ending. When you learn a lesson & becoming more mature, you will be more scared to get yourself again to the same scenario; it scares you a lot & everything will be less interesting.

I’m surprised how people able to go through this over & over again, I can't change my heart & shift my feeling that easily, it will take time to process & during this time, the other one will feel neglected & will stop trying. I have been loved twice; in each, I find it hard to overcome. The first I learned a lesson not to through all my feelings into, the second I was cautious enough to learn but yet have that idea when believing in something it will happen. The first is from other religion & beliefs which ended up in that way, she got married & I wished all the best she can have, I was living my life having her around. Far away but alive, when her son will be born, does she think about me? Even in seconds. My world was safe as long as she is safe. She was killed which torn my broken heart much more. The other, she reminded me of the first, she lightened my dark, cold heart again, I may say I hesitated right, I may say that things around were not helping, I may say I started to love her each day, I may say I felt I’m losing her, I may say I lost her, I may say it was a game over to my heart. I also wished her a good life, I also wonder if I ever jumped into her head for seconds.

People have asked me: When you will love someone? when you will get married? you are getting old. I may say: I loved with all my heart, not once, twice. In each I ended up heartbroken, I show a great interest of the person I'm in love with, I find hard to replace this person for someone else, A feeling of betrayal & guilt will overcome me & even if I overcome that feeling, I find it hard to start a new relationship, I Have been in love before, I ended up alone, I sometimes imagine if she texts me or sends me a message if she enters my life again in any form, I’m scared to see her again or text her back. My heart will beat fast, I feel like I have to put effort to please her, to have the smile on her face. I’m still in love with her in a way that I’m not willing to start a new love, not willing to do anything. It is better in that way & much safer.

Moving Backwards..

A Nighty-Conversation Between Me & Myself!

Myself: How’s everything is going with you?!

Me: I don’t know, I feel like I am alone but unique, optimistic but have no clue about future, nothing seems positive on horizon.

Myself: you have all potential to be a successful person as you are right now! Why to worry?!

Me: I have to admit that I worked hard for myself but looking to my current status: finically and socially, I Believe that I am not successful at all.

Myself: but you get a good job and your life is stable, you’ve been proven yourself as a successful person and will have results soon

Me: it is not about getting results, I feel like that despite everything I worked on, I still circling in same spot, whenever I achieve something, level up my life, I had unexpected issue that ruin everything to me and take out the blood from my veins, have me returned to first place like a fresh graduate student that will start his career.

Myself: what do you mean exactly?!

Me: it means that I wasted time in my life doing everything but have results of person doing nothing.

Myself: oh, I got you. But at least you get experience, which will boast your life.

Me: Okay, I believe you don’t get me right.

Myself: oh dear, you are overreacting things, life is not colorful after all there’s ups and downs with it and you have to deal with it.

Me: I Am fully understand definition of life, but does that means that working hard rewards nothing.

Myself: you have to keep trying, life is unfair sometimes.

Me: it is unfair as a fact, sometimes you need luck to progress, but I don’t thing that unfair will keep rolling back in your area. There should be time to be fair with you.

Myself: and you have to wait to that moment.

Me: you still didn’t get me, I’ve been stepped back many times and say it is okay and start moving forward again and again but then life spank me back to zero.

Myself: okay

Me: the only difference is that time moving on.
Myself: so what?!

Me: time passing and I am rounding on same place, you make calculation.

Myself: so, you mean you waste energy and time for nothing.
Me: exactly.

Myself: you have to let things go and work according to factor you have currently.

Me: This is the point, I have to let go things that supposed to be done earlier on beginning and was in middle of road of doing it and but then returned back to zero like nothing done.

Myself: and what’s the problem with that?!

Me: I am long term planner, now I have to get short term planning.

Myself: Right, SO!!

Me: During long term planning, you set goals and steps to progress your life, put some possibilities or flexibility for each step in order to overcome step downs, each step have its’ time to achieve to move to next step and so on.

Myself: and

Me: I finish step 1 which took me for example one year, and while working 2 then have unexpected event returns me back to zero and go on go on, time passes, then have to let go some things, because you realize that you are late.

Myself: and where’s problem with that?! It is a right decision.

Me: Looking to all your efforts and how you worked hard on yourself, comparing to others same age or same time: Less than you, but way better than you.

Myself: don’t compare yourself with others, this is unfair to you.

Me: I am comparing to show how failure I am,
I have my friends for example, they look at me as something special, because I really working hard on myself, but comparing to them, they look more stable than me.

Myself: you are not a failure, life didn’t work well for you.

Me: even though, I feel like I Am a failure despite everything.

Myself: since you worked hard for yourself then why to worry about being failure or successful, you will be successful after all.

Me: problem is not about being successful or not, problem is about time passing and you are reaching step 4 or 5 according to your plans, which is totally depends on first steps.

Myself: you feeling retired, a way back from you goals but older.

Me: exactly, when you reach a point in your life that you have to make critical decision: like marriage or start small business, these things need basement, the stronger the basement the higher confidence you will be to get into it.

Myself: these things can be wait.

Me: Life sometimes offers you an opportunity, you have to grab it but in my case.
I want to grab it but you can't because something pull you down.
It is like you want to step up but some unfinished business interrupts You and you have two Options:

• Either go and finish that thing that pulls down but you can't guarantee you will find that opportunity you want.
• Or grab it and expect unpleasant ending because logically you are not good enough.

Myself: if it is important and you want then you have to work hard even If it takes time.

Me: some things can be delayed, some can't.

it is like you have a rare chance and you are hesitate to grab or wait, but can't be sure that this chance will have it again, so you have to manipulate according to new factors, deleting some things, accelerate time to build up strong basement but again life is not helping.

Myself: you keep talking about time and age.

Me: it is as important factor.

Myself: no, it is not!

Me: when you have laws that protect you, support you then it is not a factor but when you lacks both then you have to work hard to achieve your things, time passes, life turns table on you, start again with time passes and again life will do its’ magical way to turn it again and return to beginning, then yeah time matters.

Myself: I Am Confused.

Me: tell me about it.

Myself: I believe I get your point, but don’t you believe in fate and if that thing meant for you then it will be for you.

Me: I believe in fate, but do you have any idea about your future?! Do you know what is for you and what is not?! Did god inform you that if you want something there's two options: you have to work for it or sit down and do nothing, in either way you will get that thing!

Myself: you are right. In order to achieve something you have to work for it and sometimes more than once.

If you get it then it is for you, if it is not then it is not meant to be.

Me: exactly, and this is what I am worrying about, I have a chance and need to work on it, my heart tells me to progress on it while my mind wants to stop as I am not ready.

Myself: typical heart and mind battle.

Me: yes and this thing is killing me inside, especially when that thing can’t be delayed and you may have one chance to grab, otherwise, you may lose it forever and feeling of regret will be hard to handle.

Myself: I have to admit that you have to make big decisions and time is limited.

Me: exactly, time and factors surrounding me is not helping but I will try to work accordingly and maybe I will get what I deserved.

Myself: I will go to sleep now, it is getting late and you have to wake up early tomorrow.
Me: A new day, full of hope and believe.

Myself: as always, I was very blessed to talk with you.

Me: Me too, we will talk another night.

Myself: Sure we will!
Me: nighty-night myself

Myself: Nighty and sweet dreams, Keep on faith

Me: as always