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Today, November 21, is my birthday. 

In fact, I'm not sure what to write? And How to express my feelings? 

I can't say I'm more excited or more indifferent. I'm not sure If I'm interested in my future, and how I may meet my expectations at the personal or professional level for the new year, or If I don't care anymore about anything.

I always wonder when my time will come? when my moment will be? What moment?! My dreams and my Passion & goals. I stopped worrying about anything. I don't know what the future holds for me? I can see and feel how my mind shifted from someone who is ambitious to someone who is careless. 

This year and last year were very stressful ones. I believe that I have my biggest disappointment ever during this time. I've seen myself losing control, I've seen myself feeling empty inside, other times feeling left over. My passion to improve myself and motivation was at the lowest level possible. Yet, I survived, but with heavy costs, and a lot of burdens over my back. 

I had to make some decisions against my will, I encountered some feelings, that were not expected, and also was so powerful that I try to test and deny them but failed. Mixed of love, hate, envy, loss, desperate, and content. 

I have heard harsh words from my dearest and the closest person to me. I've noticed how people may change over time. They say words are so powerful and can hurt a lot. Yes! I have examples. 

Each year, I grow up old. Chasing tirelessly the time. I've become more thoughtful, more worried, more vulnerable over simple things. As time pass, I'm getting more into feeling that I'm old to others, and misunderstood. I'm losing my confidence at some point. I always feel like I'm missing something but can't tell what exactly, is it a person or a thing? Not quite sure.

It may seem that I'm over doubt about what the future holds, and this can be justified over things that I encountered. But still, I believe in god, and that I still have time to do what I want, and have my moment. I strongly believe.

And life goes on...

The fine line between love and dreams

Years ago! I was introduced to a movie called "La La land", it is a musical, comedy, romantic movie. I really enjoyed the movie (If you've never seen the movie, don't read this line) Mainly it talks about two-person, who both are passionately in love. However, they didn't end up together because, each one has a dream, and instead of being selfless and work together in the relationship, they act like a selfish person, who prefer h/her needs over being together.

So the movie had this question in my head and starts wrapping up over again. Is being selfish in love is a good thing? particularly in the early stage. You put your needs first over the other person dreams and goals in the term of relationship responsibilities and have her dreams and goals diminished.

This same selfish person, who always encourages people to chase their dreams, builds their personality first, is the same person, who - at this moment - is trying to do the opposite now! just because he feels that he needs to do it. Is it a hypocrite?

For example, A girl with an ambition to pursue her studies abroad falls in love with you, who -from the Otherside- do realize that continuing this relationship will be more likely end up her dreams. Still, you intend to continue per your need to be in a relationship and the possibility that you will not be able to support or fulfill her dreams.

You may say find a person who you both have the same dream, it is not working that way actually all the time. I mean, sometimes the difference between both is what sparks the relationship. 

When someone falls in love, it becomes superior to other things. It will shift your priorities, but still, at a certain point in life, you will think about the dreams you left. Do you regret your choice of love then? Does the other person feel guilty? 

I don't mean to be in a toxic relationship, that benefits me over the other. I feel that if I become more selfless, and want to support her. I would let her complete her dreams and goals, even though this means that I will lose her. I believe - as a caring person - should inform her of both scenarios.

I also believe that a healthy relationship is that one that has both love and dreams aligned together, you both play all the cards any way possible, hoping that both cards will become closer than ever. It is easy to say it but hard to adapt it at the end.

Anf life goes on...

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It always amazes me how? of a sudden, you know a girl, who you put all your time, effort, to make them feel secure and loved. Listening to her daily problems, her unstable feelings, trying hard to confront her, encourage her, motivate her. Then in a moment, some random guy comes around, and holla, you are in the back door. Hello, Where are you? I miss you. I feel you are not the same as before, then hear the same answer all the time "I'm busy", she said. 

I don't understand why being good will not give any value to girls. Being there whenever needed is worthless. Treat her with love and respect is not admirable. Being good will put you in the last, you will option number 2, 3, 4, or maybe not an option at all! 

She simply thinks that you are available all the time, and easy to get, but she never knows what's going on from the guy's perspective. During this time of being neglected and not valued, he will suffer a lot, especially if he really loves the girl or care a lot about her. He will wake, eat, drink, go out, do various things, sleep. And within all these actions, she's in his mind. Wondering why? Slow replies, not showing interest like before. What did he do wrong? You have done nothing wrong except treating her like a queen, while she starts treating you like some random guy passed by. 

Then after a long time... She is heartbroken, or made her decision and regrets it. She's approaching you again, see you like her superhero, telling you how you were to her. How many times you stood beside her, how your hand was the only one, which helped her survive and lift up from the deep down of the sorrow. 

For any girl, you need to understand this, during this time, guys never stopped loving you, never stopped thinking about you, But, they -at a certain time - realized it is better to stop investing time and energy in you. They do realize that you don't have any excuse. if they ask you why you are not texting me anymore, and you have a shallow excuse, they know that you have your phone all the time, and simply if you show interest, it takes a few seconds to say Hi!.. Then they start the -No Contact rule - and see. nothing changes like she's saying "You are nothing to me", it breaks the guys' hearts a lot... But time will heal.

Youtube: The Airborne Toxic Even - Sometimes around midnight

So, when you decide to come back, they do care... it is as simple as this: "If you truly care about someone, the mind will tell you no but the heart still". However, at this stage, their mind will overcome whatever heart willing to do. The weaker the mind dominate is, the more the struggle will have. He will be very cautious, not with you, but with any other girl. He may be more hesitant to get into a relationship. He will remember how you mistreated him the way you should do, and think. It is like a business that never closed. Know the fact he lost interest like before is really hard for him to handle. I'm not sure how to describe it, but simply ruin his life over again, especially when he moved on or was in the middle of getting into a relationship.

Please do not make the guy fall deep to you. If you don't like them, simply inform them and walk away, if you do, and he's there for you, treating you with love and respect, Do not let him go. Because if you do, you might regret it all of your life. 

Youtube: Mohammed Assaf - Mraytak (Your mirror)

And life goes on...

The Power of time!

What's time?

Time is "what's the clock measures", "what prevents everything to happening at once", A certain period, which something is done" All these definitions quoted by scientists, many similar definitions give the exact idea. In a more specific way, it is our four dimensions, in which events are labeled as past, present, and future based on time, and how long a specific event can be done. 

Time is fascinating, I mean, have you ever wonder, how we sometimes feel time slowing or moving fast depends on each situation, but still, it is the same period, how and why? Never Know the exact reason, but still we feel like it. 

I always look at the value of time with respect. I'm a person who tends to be turned on over small simple things especially when time is involved. Like a simple handmade present, which I value more than very expensive or stereotype gifts; because this present was made with love, and time was dedicated to working on it. 

I tend to value that small side talk that has a relation with time, when you said that life will not change me, and I'm who I'm now, and later,

I value the time that spends wisely on improving myself personally and professionally. I value someone who would say "I will hold everything and have time with you, listening to whatever you have to say or express."

I value the moment, the look, the scene, these when time slows down. 

It is amazing how time can change everything. Can wipe your tears, can stress you out from your problems. Can make something very important now, looks so inferior and almost forgotten later. 

Dalida - Avec Le Temps (English/Arabic Sub)

For me, Time is life! but in a more specific way. I mean, Life is a general term, that defines what we are going through with all surroundings, and how these surroundings (People, Events, Things) have contributed to shaping our status in the past, present, and the future, while time is more specific. I always think of time as time with a person, time over a thing. 

To be more clear, time with a person, you will think about your time with this person only, regardless of surroundings, you will think of your story with this person, encounter joys and sadness you faced, notice the changes been happening, and remember the moments, the saying, and the act. How the promises were broken? or kept. Like time-lapse photography, taking a series of pictures of the same scene over time, the camera still standstill, but you will notice how the scene is changing over time, neglecting the surroundings or events that led to this change, only you and how your eyes see the scene.

                                                      Youtube: Portrait of Lotte: 0 to 20 years 

Time is irreversible, use it wisely. Know what to say and do? when to say and do? and when to stop. If you value the time that much, you value the small thigns, you will care about actions and says, and once you do that, time will not change you but improves you more to be a better person. And life continues..

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I've been in this position where I don't express myself correctly, and whatever I'm going through resides inside of me, and it's difficult for me to articulate it. Inside, there are too many ideas, feelings, and confusion. A series of unfortunate events in my personal and professional lives collided, absorbing my energy, passion, and desire to improve. 

People may see this as an attempt to justify someone who has failed by making excuses. I have no fear of falling! I'm going to stand up again. I'm not worried if my efforts don't yield the results I hoped for. I'll learn to meet and exceed expectations. I don't care what kind of action I'm doing or how others see it as long as I've set my mind to it. 

The core issue of my status is being disappointed (let down). This feeling -in addition to being helpless- is the worst feeling that I will face in life. When this happens, I feel numb, losing my enthusiasm, nothing matters to me. My mind will be on fire, my heart is drowning. I will have many fights, many conflicts, and many feeling disorders. Like a flaming fire stove, left alone in the house, away from everyone. My soul will be far away from me.

                                              And nothing makes us more silent .. than disappointment 

                                                     

At a personal level, I'm being disappointed in someone, who really I love and care about the most. It is very hard to deal with this feeling. Especially when they surprise you with an act or behavior that you would not dare to expect to come from them. When feeling neglected, and thrown away as easy as cracking your fingers. When everything you've done is worth nothing. Not the first time in life, but from that special person. 

What hurts more, is the act of being defensive and denial when confessing about these actions or behaviors. It really hurt me more, when you underestimating my feeling when I have doubts about my value to you. You don't know how I will suffocate when I try to say something then stop, pretend like I don't care but I do! when loss the eagerness to admonition. It is not the conflicts that we face that are the problems, but it is the accumulation of disappointing actions that you keep sending my way, that slowly killing me inside.

I also think that even if you do a great job at work, there's a certain situation when you will meet a person, who's climbing over the shoulder, or a supervisor, who does not listen to employees and shows an act of favoritism. When things not going on as it expected or at least, as it should be.  All together, may have an impact, and eventually, will lead to losing motivation to work, or improve. 

I'm isolating myself from others, I specifically expanding the gap between me and that person, Am I? How do you tell if someone is telling you the value you the same as before, but their actions don't. I really want to be that, really!  I'm here from you! You know that for years, but I don't know from your side for now. With all this, I'm afraid of another disappointment, especially from you. It is amazing how time changes people.

Whoever will read this, If you or some mysterious person. I don't know what to do, but I will survive; the time will wipe away everything, but scars remain.

 I lost a lot at the personal and work levels that I can not undo. I underestimate myself, and the consequences of what happened especially at work are something that was partially my fault, but now, somehow, suffering the result of my losing passion.

You are the light in my life, not recently but long years ago. It is you who I've always seen as a hope of something shining in my life, after one disappointment to another, It's not the action or behavior you have done that makes me sad & disappointed, more than neglecting the fact that you know I was hurt, that I expressed my thoughts, and what disappoints me about you is that you took a step back by lying and denying. That, after all, is how I feel when I'm left alone.