Late Night thoughts - Childhood & Adulthood dilemma

When I was child. I always dreamed of getting older, have my own money, my own freedom, buy what I like, and go whenever I want. No Boundaries! I always looked to my father as an Idol person to follow and my mother as an example of a devotion loving person. Time passes and here I'm, tirelessly chasing time. I have grown up fast, and in the course of time, I've seen the world in other perspective than before. From colorful, innocent, and vibrant colors, to much darker, cruel, and Black & white. I realized that freedom is relative and adjusted with my ethical standards mainly and many surrounding factors. Financial independency does not come only with spending but also by making wise decision on how to spend, save and invest. And most importantly be the idol the others will look to as an example. 

Pin Interest - Giovanni Disisto - Transition from Childhood to Adulthood

I used to make mistakes when I was a child. No one got hurt from what I've done or said, even if do, I'm forgiven. I was the hero to my parents despite all. Now I wonder, what If I do the wrong thing to people, and we thought we try to do the right thing? and turned out it will hurt people. I'm not the hero here. Sometimes, I have to accept that I'm a good person in someone eyes and bad for others. I never had intention to hurt somebody on purpose, but it happens. Even if time sometime make my point right but still.  Mistakes happen, even if it is not a mistake, but how different people perceive them may define them.  

I used to worry a lot when I was a child. Like, will I be able to score a goal, or pass the exam. Or maybe master this game. And if I fail, I know deep down that I'm enough to my parents, my friends, and myself. Now, I worry much less, as I'm much wiser than before. However, my worry hits much deeper, and then it come to my mind, Am I good enough? For me? For her? For Anyone? 

I used to have my life decided by others, My parents in particular. What to do, eat, wear, time to play or sleep, school, hobbies, etc. Now, I have to make decisions by my own, suffer the consequences whether good or bad. And in each decision, I will learn a lesson. Is it worth? Why did I do this? or the scariest question, What If?

When I was child, life is perfect. When I grow up, I realized it isn't. Yet! Why do we want everything to be perfect? Your life, love, work. Even if you make them perfect or they are already, the only one thing will not be perfect, is the death of loved ones. I was always scared from the idea of losing someone. I couldn't imagine it, but it happened, I lost her, I lost my father, I lost family members. It is not only rounded to death; it is more than this. the presence of someone, the loss of shared feelings, passions, and the unique connection we had with them. All lost! I learned to accept it eventually. But still, the feeling of griefless is the most difficult to deal with. Yet you have to accept it as an adult, and you never understand it while you were a child. As an adult, I realized that even death has a perfect timing when it comes to take someone's soul. I believe that from that person perspective, the timing is perfect after all. 

Childhood is heaven so does adulthood. The transition from childhood to adulthood is a profound journey, marked by a series of revelations and adjustments.

We learn a lot of about living and growing up, dream about it a lot when we were children. But did not think about what it means to be old? Yes! I sometimes feel I'm late in something and fighting myself for it. I used to look to things in one perspective and now in another and it keep changing ideas, believes like a flowing river. I used to have much energy to do many things, now, I'm with less energy and enthusiastic than before. We used as children to say, "we couldn't wait to get older" without realizing what meant to be old. And here I'm. I miss my childhood times. 

It is fascinating to see things around you getting old, I mean, if we talk about universe, places, books, everything. Is fascinating. When it comes to human being, it is never been the same, I mean we were pure as children, young and beautiful with lot of imagination and innocence, full of energy, full of love. Then, you get older, have wrinkles, have traumas, have cracks and pains. Everything you love and desire will disappear, dies, everything ends, and you have to see it and accept it. 

Despite that, I think it is not childhood vs. adulthood preference issue. Each phase in our life, has its own beauty; we tend to look to things we want to have or used to have. Instead of living the moment. As a child, I worried a lot but took actions toward them. So why we don't we do the same now. We may feel we are late into something. You never know your time if you compare someone's G-stage to your B-Stage.  Life isn't perfect in all stages, just because you have much awareness now, doesn't mean that as a child you did not think the same. You have one life, embrace it. Live it wisely to the fullest, don't spend time worrying, questioning, or running after people who don't value you. Accept yourself for who you are and learn from mistakes. As long as you have a good intention, you will be rewarded one day. Now or then, it only takes from you to be commitment and believe. 

The God says in his holy book Quran "Allah (God) does not burden any soul beyond what it can bear" 2-286. 

Give value to every single second of your life. 

And life goes on. 

A meeting with younger me

I've always wondered. If by any chance, I would see myself. The younger self, the one who has my features. Looking straight to my eyes, to my core. What would he say about me? How would I see him? you will often tell him about all the pitfalls and mistakes that he must avoid, lapses that led to disasters, personality traits that led you to the loss of people you loved. Sincerely and later missed them bitterly.

I will see my younger self as a pure version of me, more energetic, lively, full of dreams, and has that spark in his eye. Very curious and spontaneous. He is still at the beginning of life's journey. he never encounters the feeling of being heartbroken, nor expressing failure, or have self-doubts. He is enjoying his independency, he has the passion to read and learn about anything, and everything. His ultimate goal is to understand himself, and the people. He wants to be in control of his life and decisions. All people are good as he is? Or that's what he thinks they are. 

Listen! let me flash it up things to you. This is how the dreams were broken? And remember this moment, it is when I had my first love, and this is how I lost it. This when I had my first disappointment, and this is the second, third. You will grow up with those people, some, who you will dedicate time and care about a lot, one in particular will give you your biggest disappointment, you will know who exactly. Look, at this moment, you say to yourself: okay! let me try to love. Boom! life plans were different. You start doubting, over and over again.  And this is when you feel life smiles again at work, you think you finally have a clear path of what you want to do. However, it comes with bigger responsibility, you keep growing financially, and improve yourself. But you still feel life dragging you to first place, and rotating at the same spot, your life is not stable, and time passes by. Look, I'm older now, and some things are not done as planned. See, how ambition beings to fade gradually.  My younger me, life has taught me a lot, in a hard way. I have shifted my direction many times to meet the ever-changing situation. I had to adapt to these changes, sometimes willingly and sometimes against my will. See how people now are less connected than before. Faking life, personality over what called social media. Wrong act is acceptable now, and right one is odd. Childhood is ruined, people lost morals. Everyone has secrets now. Even the little child, by age but adults by acts. You start losing trust to people, and gradually, feel lonely and foreign to your society. 

I didn't mean to disappoint you, but this is me. I'm shy in person, and still I'm. Pure inside, and still I'm. I was ignorant to the law of life, human nature, and fluctuation of circumstances. You will grow up from the fact that you are fragile like glass inside to a solid like rock. I become wiser, calmer, and more cautious in doing things. I matured enough to overcome scars, too many scars actually.

YouTube: Hamza Namira - Dari Ya Allby

 It will be -without doubt- an honest, frank self-confrontation, without compliments or self-polishing. We may -at time- lie to ourselves at some moment and deceive the reality. But, at this meeting, you will speak it out, black and white. Even it is harsh and bitter.  You can't bend the events, nor fake the acts after all. 

Do I regret something? Yes. Did I make mistakes? Sure! Did I disappoint someone? Unfortunately, yes! But all these things shaped who I'm now. It is because of you - my younger me - your principles, your heart, and your passion over things and people. I learned with each failure, I would stand up and fight. Actually, you taught me that each failure is a lesson learned. It is because of you, I realized that the fever of seeking knowledge and writing would not have infected me, it made me unbreakable, have confident, helping me express myself, my feelings and thoughts. And with each disappointment and its huge fractures to my soul, you taught me that only faith, devotion to work, love yourself, and people you care about, will protect me from the evils of the world.

And life goes on...

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It always amazes me how? of a sudden, you know a girl, who you put all your time, effort, to make them feel secure and loved. Listening to her daily problems, her unstable feelings, trying hard to confront her, encourage her, motivate her. Then in a moment, some random guy comes around, and holla, you are in the back door. Hello, Where are you? I miss you. I feel you are not the same as before, then hear the same answer all the time "I'm busy", she said. 

I don't understand why being good will not give any value to girls. Being there whenever needed is worthless. Treat her with love and respect is not admirable. Being good will put you in the last, you will option number 2, 3, 4, or maybe not an option at all! 

She simply thinks that you are available all the time, and easy to get, but she never knows what's going on from the guy's perspective. During this time of being neglected and not valued, he will suffer a lot, especially if he really loves the girl or care a lot about her. He will wake, eat, drink, go out, do various things, sleep. And within all these actions, she's in his mind. Wondering why? Slow replies, not showing interest like before. What did he do wrong? You have done nothing wrong except treating her like a queen, while she starts treating you like some random guy passed by. 

Then after a long time... She is heartbroken, or made her decision and regrets it. She's approaching you again, see you like her superhero, telling you how you were to her. How many times you stood beside her, how your hand was the only one, which helped her survive and lift up from the deep down of the sorrow. 

For any girl, you need to understand this, during this time, guys never stopped loving you, never stopped thinking about you, But, they -at a certain time - realized it is better to stop investing time and energy in you. They do realize that you don't have any excuse. if they ask you why you are not texting me anymore, and you have a shallow excuse, they know that you have your phone all the time, and simply if you show interest, it takes a few seconds to say Hi!.. Then they start the -No Contact rule - and see. nothing changes like she's saying "You are nothing to me", it breaks the guys' hearts a lot... But time will heal.

Youtube: The Airborne Toxic Even - Sometimes around midnight

So, when you decide to come back, they do care... it is as simple as this: "If you truly care about someone, the mind will tell you no but the heart still". However, at this stage, their mind will overcome whatever heart willing to do. The weaker the mind dominate is, the more the struggle will have. He will be very cautious, not with you, but with any other girl. He may be more hesitant to get into a relationship. He will remember how you mistreated him the way you should do, and think. It is like a business that never closed. Know the fact he lost interest like before is really hard for him to handle. I'm not sure how to describe it, but simply ruin his life over again, especially when he moved on or was in the middle of getting into a relationship.

Please do not make the guy fall deep to you. If you don't like them, simply inform them and walk away, if you do, and he's there for you, treating you with love and respect, Do not let him go. Because if you do, you might regret it all of your life. 

Youtube: Mohammed Assaf - Mraytak (Your mirror)

And life goes on...

The Power of time!

What's time?

Time is "what's the clock measures", "what prevents everything to happening at once", A certain period, which something is done" All these definitions quoted by scientists, many similar definitions give the exact idea. In a more specific way, it is our four dimensions, in which events are labeled as past, present, and future based on time, and how long a specific event can be done. 

Time is fascinating, I mean, have you ever wonder, how we sometimes feel time slowing or moving fast depends on each situation, but still, it is the same period, how and why? Never Know the exact reason, but still we feel like it. 

I always look at the value of time with respect. I'm a person who tends to be turned on over small simple things especially when time is involved. Like a simple handmade present, which I value more than very expensive or stereotype gifts; because this present was made with love, and time was dedicated to working on it. 

I tend to value that small side talk that has a relation with time, when you said that life will not change me, and I'm who I'm now, and later,

I value the time that spends wisely on improving myself personally and professionally. I value someone who would say "I will hold everything and have time with you, listening to whatever you have to say or express."

I value the moment, the look, the scene, these when time slows down. 

It is amazing how time can change everything. Can wipe your tears, can stress you out from your problems. Can make something very important now, looks so inferior and almost forgotten later. 

Dalida - Avec Le Temps (English/Arabic Sub)

For me, Time is life! but in a more specific way. I mean, Life is a general term, that defines what we are going through with all surroundings, and how these surroundings (People, Events, Things) have contributed to shaping our status in the past, present, and the future, while time is more specific. I always think of time as time with a person, time over a thing. 

To be more clear, time with a person, you will think about your time with this person only, regardless of surroundings, you will think of your story with this person, encounter joys and sadness you faced, notice the changes been happening, and remember the moments, the saying, and the act. How the promises were broken? or kept. Like time-lapse photography, taking a series of pictures of the same scene over time, the camera still standstill, but you will notice how the scene is changing over time, neglecting the surroundings or events that led to this change, only you and how your eyes see the scene.

                                                      Youtube: Portrait of Lotte: 0 to 20 years 

Time is irreversible, use it wisely. Know what to say and do? when to say and do? and when to stop. If you value the time that much, you value the small thigns, you will care about actions and says, and once you do that, time will not change you but improves you more to be a better person. And life continues..

Ethical Dilemma: Man Vs. Earth

One of the biggest and controversial question to be asked is about the conflict between overpopulation versus overconsumption (the limitation of supply resources) & environmental challenges. Would you rather get rid of half of humanity to save the human future generation form extinct due to starvation, lack of resources and habitability of the planet? This is an ethical question and hard to respond to. Either way, it will be hard to apply the best method. 

This kind of question is causing an ethical dilemma! It makes you think through the consequences of the action, and have in consideration whether its morally accepted if applied. 

Dan Brown's book "Inferno" was asking the same question. The villain (Or you may say the good character" in this story is a mad scientist, who wants to spread "Infect" a virus to kill as many people as this infection would. So that the earth will be saved, and its resources will be enough to those who recovered from the infection. The book itself is remarkable and catches the history of the places combined with real-life facts and knowledge. It provides the information to you in a very simple and enjoyable to read way. 

Through History, the earth had 5 major mass extinctions. Many Natural disasters. The earth stood still and recovered, and the human race was recovering as well. However, these natural disasters were made obviously by nature, we can say it is a god's plan. 

However, when it comes from a human act. Wars like: World War I & II, Mangoul conquests, French Civil war, and many more through history. Animal Viruses Transmitted to Humans like Plaque and Spanish Flu for example. Even the most recent Corona Virus (Covid-19). Modern Technology and it is effects on nature. How we can determine if these are good to have for a better future to the next generations and the planet as well. 

© Getty Images; Photo illustration: Javier Zarracina/Vox

Cities like London and New York. They both had a great fire in separate times. Tokyo and Berlin were both destroyed entirely during World War II. All these cities had their chance and recover to become more powerful and stronger due to these incidents. They had the technology, population, and ego reached the highest peak. Millions of people were wiped out during these events. If these events didn't happen, what would be like for those cities? Do you think it will be a better place? Or it was worth losing all those lives? For the sake of Humanity and the planet.

The global economic system will have a recession. If the countries didn't apply a temporary total shutdown and curfew to contain the virus, then they will increase the number of infected people, and death toll as well. But it will save the economy. If we reverse the formula, we will save people but will have some countries fall down due to economic crises, middle and lower classes people will suffer, and normalizing things may need time to recover. So, the question: Is it ethical to sacrifice part of your population to save the rest? Or Should all suffer the consequences and country instability?

Most recent reports and images about covid-19 and Air pollution show clearly how the earth is recovering from climate change made by humans. Climate change issues are a global problem that has not been actively addressed and taken seriously by humans. Yet, it is a serious problem that may impact the lives of all living species in the near future. This positive change is temporary and causes by having the human activities reduced to its minimum capabilities, especially in places with most affected with the virus. Do you feel happy to hear such news? having in mind many people lost their lives, jobs and way of a decent living.

It is very hard to answer this question? As both have the right and wrong answer. I believe it is not the right question to ask. I believe that human nature by itself is the problem to humanity and earth! 

Narcissism, Polarization, and inequity are the big issues that need to be resolved. Narcissism with all technology and development being made, expansion of cities, Plastic waste or even sex and birth of a new child without taking any consideration or actions to study their effects on the environment and the public interest. Polarization in having some countries control others by means of war, money or even influence, without having in consideration to the people's lives and land. Inequity in jobs, resources used, money and even social equity. The list of human contributions and their negative consequences are many. 

The earth has all the resources needed if used wisely. Humans need to stand together through crises. Legalize laws to protect the environment, Birth control, and social equity. Put these in action.  

It would be okay to have nature do her job to balance the population with the resources, but I would not accept human interference to make the problem bigger than it should be. Reaching the point to ask such a controversial question.

The Philosophy of the stars & love

Why I love the Stars? Why I consider the stars as a symbol of happiness, love & hope for me.

The love of stars has an old story, when I was around 10 years old, my father used to teach me & my brothers about the stars & the name of each, by the time, I started to know shape of group stars & names of common stars, for where I started to admire the stars as a sign of inspiration & happiness to me.

The Night is dark, Quiet & loneliness; this combination summarize our life. We don’t have a full control of our life, we can’t foresee the future; its dark for us.

We at times, suffer of being disappointed & Sad or being satisfied & happy. We at times, feel so alone despite having everything, the life is a scary thing in which we have to work hard to get what we want, yet, we can’t have everything we love.

 The Sky represents our life; It's expand beyond our sight just like the things we dream about and it has endless edge just like our ambition, the dark represents the unknown future, the disappointments & loneliness. The only thing that makes alive is being loved by the people around you. The stars are the people, the ones who lighten up your life when it is so dark & quiet; encourages you to survive. one star may represent your parents, other is your partner, your friend, your pet. The most shining star is the one you love the most.

The stars also are far away from US, the sun is the nearest star to us but no, the night stars are more valuable to me; the Sun lights reach us around 8 mins, while the stars are far away from US. This represents the idea no matter how far are your loved ones, alive or dead. Their lights will be always guide you & encourages you to be strong & alive. It also indicated that with determination & hope, you will reach the end of the dark tunnel into the bright openings.

The love for anything should have a reason, this is a perfect equation & the root to solve any problem, you have to justify your love & hate for someone/something, and otherwise, you may not be able to solve any problem you may encounter or confess someone about how you feel about something.

In a relationship for example, you can’t naturally love someone for granted, you may admire the person loyalty, caring & passion, by the time, when you start getting away from this person, you may identify which things you were in love with at the beginning & you can’t find now. You may then tell this person that I loved you because you were a caring person and now you are not, you used be someone & now not. Or, when you have something you don’t love, you may sincere say that I hate this act or behavior from you.

 

I love the night & gazing the stars, I like walking in the night below the stars, and I like to sit in a chair or walk with someone I love, talking about life, love & the future or even being quiet at the night with a sky full of stars. I love the night stars. This kind of love will never fade away.

Points of Nowhere

© FB: Art is a way of survival

I've been rolling over & over in the same place for a while, there's no time for silence in my mind. It's like my mind is trying to explode but my skull is holding it tight inside, a severe headache that knocking my forehead to get out. 

My vision is not so clear at the moment, I'm not sure who I'll be in a few years and who are the people I'll be with. But I'll keep going until it's all clear. I Have faith.

Big decisions require big sacrifice, life detours they say, A detour may open up to the big world, a world you would really flourish & find your self in & have your dreams on the process. Or, it may throw you back to beyond the starting point, to that little corner in the room where you always try to cry but you can't.

You are trying to be strong, all the time but in fact,  you are a weak inside, trying to hide it will kill you slowly & by the time you realize that, it may be too late to recover,

My happy side is hiding somewhere, and I'm trying to find it.

In people around me, in things, in places & in every little thing. Life gives a sign to follow, it may helps you to make a decision, if you didn't find it or ignore it,  you have to move on & find the next sign, it may not lead to the same direction but it will eventually lead you to what your heart desire, they say.

I have thoughts of me not reaching my goals, thoughts of people who left, died & have my heart broken, thoughts of things I wish I could do, but I couldn't. what if, what if I followed that sign, catch that opportunity, maybe & only maybe, I reach my goals & feel secure.

There will always be turning points, where we leave some people, leave some thoughts, some memories, and some mistakes behind us & begin a new life.

It is funny when after all these years, you are facing the same thoughts, these thoughts follow me before sleep. but instead of making an affirmative decision, you hesitate, yes, the typical you. The one who always hesitate when it comes to life detours.

But who knows, years passed have taught me a lot, looking to things in another perspective, goals may change, yes the main is still the same but the time forced me to drop this & that, add a thing or two, I feel numb now.

God, I know I'm only average. I'm not too religious. I make mistakes yet, I have a sense of right & wrong. Please guide me, I'm not sure where & how I will be. but I do know that, I lost people I love, detours I missed, signs I didn't follow, I lost my soul once & I'm not willing to live in worries anymore.