I've always
wondered. If by any chance, I would see myself. The younger self, the one who
has my features. Looking straight to my eyes, to my core. What would he say
about me? How would I see him? you will often tell him about all the pitfalls and mistakes that he must avoid, lapses that led to disasters, personality traits that led you to the loss of people you loved. Sincerely and later missed them bitterly.
I will see
my younger self as a pure version of me, more energetic, lively, full of
dreams, and has that spark in his eye. Very curious and spontaneous. He is
still at the beginning of life's journey. he never encounters the feeling of
being heartbroken, nor expressing failure, or have self-doubts. He is enjoying
his independency, he has the passion to read and learn about anything, and
everything. His ultimate goal is to understand himself, and the people. He
wants to be in control of his life and decisions. All people are good as he is?
Or that's what he thinks they are.
Listen! let me flash it up things to you. This is how the dreams
were broken? And remember this moment, it is when I had my first love, and this
is how I lost it. This when I had my first disappointment, and this is the
second, third. You will grow up with those people, some, who you will dedicate time
and care about a lot, one in particular will give you your biggest
disappointment, you will know who exactly. Look, at this moment, you say to
yourself: okay! let me try to love. Boom! life plans were different. You start
doubting, over and over again. And this is when you feel life smiles
again at work, you think you finally have a clear path of what you want to do.
However, it comes with bigger responsibility, you keep growing financially, and
improve yourself. But you still feel life dragging you to first place, and
rotating at the same spot, your life is not stable, and time passes by. Look,
I'm older now, and some things are not done as planned. See, how ambition beings to fade gradually. My younger me, life has taught me a lot, in a
hard way. I have shifted my direction many times to meet the ever-changing
situation. I had to adapt to these changes, sometimes willingly and sometimes
against my will. See how people now are less connected than before. Faking
life, personality over what called social media. Wrong act is acceptable now,
and right one is odd. Childhood is ruined, people lost morals. Everyone has
secrets now. Even the little child, by age but adults by acts. You start losing
trust to people, and gradually, feel lonely and foreign to your society.
I didn't
mean to disappoint you, but this is me. I'm shy in person, and still I'm. Pure
inside, and still I'm. I was ignorant to the law of life, human nature, and
fluctuation of circumstances. You will grow up from the fact that you are fragile
like glass inside to a solid like rock. I become wiser, calmer, and more cautious in
doing things. I matured enough to overcome scars, too many scars actually.
YouTube: Hamza Namira - Dari Ya Allby
It will be -without doubt- an honest, frank self-confrontation, without compliments or self-polishing. We may -at time- lie to ourselves at some moment and deceive the reality. But, at this meeting, you will speak it out, black and white. Even it is harsh and bitter. You can't bend the events, nor fake the acts after all.
Do I regret something? Yes. Did I make mistakes? Sure! Did I disappoint someone? Unfortunately, yes! But all these things shaped who I'm now. It is because of you - my younger me - your principles, your heart, and your passion over things and people. I learned with each failure, I would stand up and fight. Actually, you taught me that each failure is a lesson learned. It is because of you, I realized that the fever of seeking knowledge and writing would not have infected me, it made me unbreakable, have confident, helping me express myself, my feelings and thoughts. And with each disappointment and its huge fractures to my soul, you taught me that only faith, devotion to work, love yourself, and people you care about, will protect me from the evils of the world.
I've been rolling over & over in the same place for a while, there's no time for silence in my mind. It's like my mind is trying to explode but my skull is holding it tight inside, a severe headache that knocking my forehead to get out.
My vision is not so clear at the moment, I'm not sure who I'll be in a few years and who are the people I'll be with. But I'll keep going until it's all clear. I Have faith.
Big decisions require big sacrifice, life detours they say, A detour may open up to the big world, a world you would really flourish & find your self in & have your dreams on the process. Or, it may throw you back to beyond the starting point, to that little corner in the room where you always try to cry but you can't.
You are trying to be strong, all the time but in fact, you are a weak inside, trying to hide it will kill you slowly & by the time you realize that, it may be too late to recover,
My happy side is hiding somewhere, and I'm trying to find it.
In people around me, in things, in places & in every little thing. Life gives a sign to follow, it may helps you to make a decision, if you didn't find it or ignore it, you have to move on & find the next sign, it may not lead to the same direction but it will eventually lead you to what your heart desire, they say.
I have thoughts of me not reaching my goals, thoughts of people who left, died & have my heart broken, thoughts of things I wish I could do, but I couldn't. what if, what if I followed that sign, catch that opportunity, maybe & only maybe, I reach my goals & feel secure.
There will always be turning points, where we leave some people, leave some thoughts, some memories, and some mistakes behind us & begin a new life.
It is funny when after all these years, you are facing the same thoughts, these thoughts follow me before sleep. but instead of making an affirmative decision, you hesitate, yes, the typical you. The one who always hesitate when it comes to life detours.
But who knows, years passed have taught me a lot, looking to things in another perspective, goals may change, yes the main is still the same but the time forced me to drop this & that, add a thing or two, I feel numb now.
God, I know I'm only average. I'm not too religious. I make mistakes yet, I have a sense of right & wrong. Please guide me, I'm not sure where & how I will be. but I do know that, I lost people I love, detours I missed, signs I didn't follow, I lost my soul once & I'm not willing to live in worries anymore.
There's a movie called "500 days of summer". It is a romance movie, but unlike any other romance movie, it does not end with two lovers meant together and have the movie-end kiss. No! It mainly tells a story of a guy, on his journey of love, hope, suspect, depression and disappointment. The story begins with love at first sight, tells the story in the eye of the lover, diving deeply in his thoughts and his journey of changing emotions. How his relationship with her is on fire at a time, and cold like ice later. It starts with a love story and ended up drifting away with no true reason.
What I liked the most about the movie is the way it uses time! It jumps back and forth between the current and the past. One scene is about day 1. the next scene is about day 320 and so on. Another thing is about how to tell the story in the eye of the lover, going deep in his mind by capturing two contracted scenes of expectations vs. reality. This "Screen splitting" was first introduced to me by the Syrian series "على طول الأيام" one of my favorite tv series.
I have this movie in my mind, as I recall how I met her! for the first time. How my emotions were going from being sky-high to a very bottom down feeling.
I asked God one day if there's a love a first sight, then show me the proof. She was that proof! I was a student at the university, standing with a friend outside my department. She came as a freshman student walking from Far away.
At first sight, I had my mind and heart asking the question: Who's she? Why my heart beating so fast? Why my mind is in chaos? I still remember the scene, everything was blurry, except her. As she was walking, she climbed the stairs of my department... Oh My God, She is a fresh student in my department. Days later, I was looking for her, chasing her moderately. Without her noticing. I was going home every day, very happy.
Time flies, when I found out she's a Christian. I got disappointment, not of the fact that she's not from my religion. I respect and love them. But the fact there's no way that we will be together. especially in a place where society was torn apart from war and civil war. I was so disappointed at first. Until the time, I've noticed she's looking back, chasing me through her eyes the way I did. This kind of look is so captivating, Eyes very expressive, that smile. it is like looking to myself in the mirror. I had the same facial expression every time I had a glance look at her, warm feelings and a wonderful world. I bet she had the same feeling I had when I look at her.
The first year passed, I didn't have the courage to speak up my mind. We were on summer holiday. I was nervous, as I know many families are departing Iraq, especially Christians. Then one day I had something to do at the university, and there was she. From Far away, eyes met together, and she had that big smile on her face. I was so high.
Long Story Short, the new semester starts, and I was finally able to talk to her. Love her more, and then have her go. As I found out there's no way we will be together.
It was expected, and this was worrying me all the time. At first glance, I've been recognized as a Christian, she may expect something and then reality strikes, he's from the other religion. She's so believer and committed to her religion. I was from another side, shifting between expectation and reality the same way she did. We ended up with one reality, we can't be together.
I started next year with huge disappointment, I tried to avoid her. I was expecting she will not care and will move on. But no! she "Just like me" had that fire inside. I didn't want to approach her. Logically, the more that I will talk to her, the more I will be falling. From her perspective, she tried her best to approach. Even though there was no direct communication, but I participate in her life. Assisted indirectly to aid her study. I tried my best to be careless, while I was burning inside. I couldn't look at any other girl except for her. Despite having the opportunity to get into a relationship with another. But no! It is like cheating, I will not do that!
I had several hard days. One day, I was crying, very jealous of seeing someone from her religion, approaching her, he is from evening studies. They walked together to the library, bought a sheet and that's it. Her Friend Hala was not with her! Why? I asked one mutual friend in her class. I know she did not have anything but just to think about that burned me inside. She noticed this time and followed me to the classroom, where my friend was comforting me. She sat nearby with eyes full of worries. "I'm sorry Zaid!" That was I thought she said in her mind and I hide my face, wiped up my tears, and then I told my friend I will go home. I couldn't stay! By the end of the year and during the final examinations, my mind was in storms, I couldn't read, sleep, and live normally; I was all about her. Stuck in the middle.
I used to read my final examination playing this song continuously
Time flies, the feeling of disappointment grows more, graduated & moved on in my life. Speaking about graduation. My brother and cousins came with me, I saw her nearby. Then after the graduation party, we went to a restaurant. 5 minutes later, you were there. Sitting with your friend facing me. Exchange look, I wonder what was in your mind. I remember that the music was songs from Tamer Hosney "Egyptian signer" one after another. God had me at this moment.
This is one of the songs played - Time paused for me while looking at you at that moment
That was my last time seeing her, I didn't dare to come to the university. Well, I did but in general... I was happy in that way, she's alive and happy. Then that eventual moment comes, she got engaged!
I can not describe how I felt that day but ended up accepting the reality, and any views from expectations were fading away. Then she got married, that painful and expected truth. I ended up sincerely wishing her good luck. I accepted that reality, in exchange for having her being happy and alive. Breathing the same air, being nearby. Her Heart beating in harmony with mine; these reasons were like a drug to me. I'm happy because she's! At nights, I used to sit outside in the garden, gazing at the stars, thinking about her. I'm in the same world like hers, looking to the same sky; my love is pure.
October 31, 2010. I was at work, I was not that good actually. I was not in the mood of work and wanted to depart early. However, I managed to stay until the end of work time. On my way home, I had to go through a certain street. It was closed! I didn't know, but then I opened the TV and here it was. Regardless of the reasons behind this, which are not justified. The terrorists are keeping hostages in Lady of Salvation church. Oh My God! What? Raghda.
I know she goes to another church, but I don't know why I felt she was there. I don't have her contact number, I can't call anyone to check on her. I couldn't sleep, going back on forth. Checking the news and Facebook from her friends. Nothing!
Hours later, the Iraqi SWAT stormed the church, the terrorists start to shoot the hostages randomly. I'm still worried, nothing new. Is she at the church? Why she's not interacting? Her friends said nothing, the news does not provide any information about who was saved, and who was.. killed.
I had that fight in my mind, I barely slept. I didn't go to work the next day. I was so worried, she was there! I was sure in my heart. I trust my heart on this, but I was hoping my heart failed me this time... But it didn't...
This is a post from a friend of her in the same glass. I was refreshing my Facebook and then I saw this. Just Now! Speechless... My heart turned to black, cold-like Ice. I can't say more about this moment...
Next few days, I was back at work. On my way to work, early in the morning. I happen to pass by the church street, This is where I see her condolence board at the wall about the funeral place and time for the Bride of heaven: Raghdad Wafi Yousif Beshara...
Her last day through her eyes, as told by her parents.
She was in her second month after her marriage date, she got the news from her doctor that she's pregnant. She wanted to go to church to be thankful and get the blessing for this news, her father called and asked her not to go, he told her about the threats. At that time, there's was an outside tension arises in Egypt between Muslims and Coptic people (Christians). She responded to her father "If I meant to die at church, then I would love to"
She went There with her Aunt, when those terrorists enter the church, the priest managed to take them ib the church basement without any notice and locked the door. Her father called, she responded quietly, assuring to him that she's alive, so as her aunt. She was wounded but alive. hours later, the terrorists were able to locate them. She called her father again and told him that they were exposed, the terrorist is trying to open the door, and they are trying to prevent that. "Open the door or I will shoot" This what her father heard from the other side of the phone. Seconds later, the terrorist start shooting, and she had her aunt died in front of her. She was crying, yelling and tell her father that her aunt is killed. Seconds later, she told her father the terrorist open the door and he's about to kill them. "Allah Akbar" and boom. This what was heard by her father. the last second of her life. When I read this, I don't know. Split the screen, have me in one and her in another. We both were dying at the same moment, but each in his/her way. She was killed physically and her soul went up to heaven, while I.. I was devastated, defeated and killed psychologically, and my soul trapped in the earth...
I remember this picture like it was yesterday, your laugh, your eyes, your everything.
God bless your soul
And life goes on, is it really? It stopped right at that moment 31/10/2011.
Its Been Kolish Long Time Since My last Journal, Maybe because i was busy With moving Stuff " I moved to Zayouna" & dont have wahis to write even thought there's koma things in my mind to think about it...
We all hear about ppl killed their selves or wished to die for various reasons..if I just think like them, Why they want to end up their life..?! Lets say i will wake up in morning and i will say this is my last day, i will kill myself or wanna to die now, first quiz will jump to me is, Would i really want to do what i am going to do today..?!
if my answer was yes i will go for it, but if Nooo....Gosh there's koma things in me need to change to get over this idea..Smthing Wrong and must find exactly and way to get rid of it...
Anyway, the point of this introduction is for this:
One day, a friend i know asked this quiz in her Scrapbook: What Would you do if u knew today is the last day and by next morning u will be dead..?! When i read this, i think, think, think and didnt get that good answer, then in the middle of the same day, i was sitting & mako thing to do and this quiz jumped to my head, so i thought deeply about it and here it comes:
Back in england when i was young, there was a place Named Folkestone southern of England its famous of having good nature views and some mountains & hills, we used to go there and having so many beautiful pics there, if i knew that Today is my last day and i will die in the next morning...I would go to place having Mountains and good nature view in Js like the ones in Folk., the mountain should be high or higher enough to see everything around, i must climb it early in the morning and should reach the top before the sunset, in the time of the sunset i would set on the edge, watching the sun while it disappears behind the mountains...
In the night i wont sleep, i would lay back and look to the stars as i hear the winds over me and thinking so deeply about things i achieve in my life and things i didnt, things i am proud of and things i Am not..things i regret about them and want them to be removed from my life and things if i just did it, it will make a difference in my life...I will think about my friends and welling to have a good image about me in their minds, i will thing about my family (Parens, bro, Grandma...Etc) welling that i made them proud of me, i will think about my first crush, first love, my wife and kids if i had and welling that i was good for them, i will think about my happiness and sadness and late in the night i will pray for god, not asking him for heaven or forgivness, but i will ask him to see my whole life and give me what i deserve, if it would be hell, i will be sad but let it be and if heaven, of course i will be glad...Who doesnt..?!
Then i will sit again on the edge and wait for the sun rise and see the Sun light spread everywhere and when things get clear and the world looks so tiny under my feet, i will stand up and scream as loud as i can and say "I Am the King OF The World,WoooooooooooooooooooW" and i must hear Echo mal voice of mine and should spread between mountains and everyone around the region should hear my voice, freeze for seconds without saying a word as they thought this voice was from the sky...Hahahah, then i will close my eyes for ever and rest in peace
