I've been in this position where I don't express myself correctly, and whatever I'm going through resides inside of me, and it's difficult for me to articulate it. Inside, there are too many ideas, feelings, and confusion. A series of unfortunate events in my personal and professional lives collided, absorbing my energy, passion, and desire to improve.
People may see this as an attempt to justify someone who has failed by making excuses. I have no fear of falling! I'm going to stand up again. I'm not worried if my efforts don't yield the results I hoped for. I'll learn to meet and exceed expectations. I don't care what kind of action I'm doing or how others see it as long as I've set my mind to it.
The core issue of my status is being disappointed (let down). This feeling -in addition to being helpless- is the worst feeling that I will face in life. When this happens, I feel numb, losing my enthusiasm, nothing matters to me. My mind will be on fire, my heart is drowning. I will have many fights, many conflicts, and many feeling disorders. Like a flaming fire stove, left alone in the house, away from everyone. My soul will be far away from me.
At a personal level, I'm being disappointed in someone, who really I love and care about the most. It is very hard to deal with this feeling. Especially when they surprise you with an act or behavior that you would not dare to expect to come from them. When feeling neglected, and thrown away as easy as cracking your fingers. When everything you've done is worth nothing. Not the first time in life, but from that special person.
What hurts more, is the act of being defensive and denial when confessing about these actions or behaviors. It really hurt me more, when you underestimating my feeling when I have doubts about my value to you. You don't know how I will suffocate when I try to say something then stop, pretend like I don't care but I do! when loss the eagerness to admonition. It is not the conflicts that we face that are the problems, but it is the accumulation of disappointing actions that you keep sending my way, that slowly killing me inside.
I also think that even if you do a great job at work, there's a certain situation when you will meet a person, who's climbing over the shoulder, or a supervisor, who does not listen to employees and shows an act of favoritism. When things not going on as it expected or at least, as it should be. All together, may have an impact, and eventually, will lead to losing motivation to work, or improve.
I'm isolating myself from others, I specifically expanding the gap between me and that person, Am I? How do you tell if someone is telling you the value you the same as before, but their actions don't. I really want to be that, really! I'm here from you! You know that for years, but I don't know from your side for now. With all this, I'm afraid of another disappointment, especially from you. It is amazing how time changes people.
Whoever will read this, If you or some mysterious person. I don't know what to do, but I will survive; the time will wipe away everything, but scars remain.
I lost a lot at the personal and work levels that I can not undo. I underestimate myself, and the consequences of what happened especially at work are something that was partially my fault, but now, somehow, suffering the result of my losing passion.
You are the light in my life, not recently but long years ago. It is you who I've always seen as a hope of something shining in my life, after one disappointment to another, It's not the action or behavior you have done that makes me sad & disappointed, more than neglecting the fact that you know I was hurt, that I expressed my thoughts, and what disappoints me about you is that you took a step back by lying and denying. That, after all, is how I feel when I'm left alone.
