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I've been recently having hardships in my life: Personally and at work.

Mainly these things are not due to my actions more than actions from the surrounded people or events, affecting my way of looking to life, and my future.

I feel like these things happen as a pattern; repeated over and over again.

Every time I'm trying to do something or think positively, I face something which holds me back.

Personally, I'm now worried about my mom's health, my future, feeling confused about how to deal with things.

Plus, I'm being pushed recently, to make a certain decision in regards to my future life.

This is mainly done by my family "Brothers, sisters-in-law" and sometimes by friends.

I may say it is not a new one. But I don't know why I always fight back, or take a laugh and say nothing.

I still have this set of mind of hesitating to do this, in the same way, I'm welcoming this.

I have this friend, who usually I have a deep conversation within everything, have many mutual interests. He once said: "it is not that you don't accept the idea more than your sub-conscious is refusing it for some reason, it is like you have an incomplete business! and you think you are not ready until you've done with this business" 

That really trigged me, I remember my mind was storming all night thinking.

Why would my sub-conscious refuse? Did he just say it? At some point, he's right, at another perspective, he is not. Maybe, I simply feel I'm not ready for the next step, have enough courage to go higher or able to take the responsibility or look brightly to the future. Not about this only, but I might be afraid of many things.

I also have some concerns about my work, my future. it is mainly about having self-confidence.

It is the first time in my life that I feel like I'm not good enough to perform a certain job 

I remember  a quote from an Arabic psychological book I read "الخروج من النص" which meant something to me when reading it, I will try to summarize it

"Be yourself, don't be someone who they want you to be! Don't let people used you and build their personal dreams over you. Be yourself, fight back, build value for yourself. You are on a journey of back and forth. Accept yourself for who you are and move forward."

Well, I can understand every single word of this, and I already have this set of mind.

But sometimes, I've been feeling down! I'm being misunderstood. Being Judged by surface.

People like the salad, good and bad ingredients chopped and mixed together. This mixed combination forms a good salad, not too sweet, not too sour. Balanced! But I'm the kind of person who tries to remove the bad things.

Lectures about "Don't let people took advantage of you, Read Between the Lines, Be wicked, You are being misunderstood of your intention" is overly jumping to my ear.  

I'm not sure how to deal with this. Is it a weakness that I need to work on? Or just wait and see how Karma will clear things up.

I feel If I don't change, I will not be ready for the next step.

At the same time, I feel that being that wicked, make assumptions on others, play dirty to misleading people is something beyond my ethics.

This leads me back to the question:
Is it my sub-conscious trying to say something? I will not have the confidence to go higher unless I do what I suppose to do: Being wicked, throwback a hit and read between the lines.

Or maybe this is a quieting person talk. Imaging things! And put an excuse of not being ready for the next step, enough courage to go higher or able to take the responsibility!

I'm a daring person, welcome any challenges that I face, an adventurous in nature, and most importantly, I have faith. And will overcome this to better me. I know my mind, situation trying to push me back. But I will do my best in everything.

And life continues...