Late Night thoughts - Childhood & Adulthood dilemma

When I was child. I always dreamed of getting older, have my own money, my own freedom, buy what I like, and go whenever I want. No Boundaries! I always looked to my father as an Idol person to follow and my mother as an example of a devotion loving person. Time passes and here I'm, tirelessly chasing time. I have grown up fast, and in the course of time, I've seen the world in other perspective than before. From colorful, innocent, and vibrant colors, to much darker, cruel, and Black & white. I realized that freedom is relative and adjusted with my ethical standards mainly and many surrounding factors. Financial independency does not come only with spending but also by making wise decision on how to spend, save and invest. And most importantly be the idol the others will look to as an example. 

Pin Interest - Giovanni Disisto - Transition from Childhood to Adulthood

I used to make mistakes when I was a child. No one got hurt from what I've done or said, even if do, I'm forgiven. I was the hero to my parents despite all. Now I wonder, what If I do the wrong thing to people, and we thought we try to do the right thing? and turned out it will hurt people. I'm not the hero here. Sometimes, I have to accept that I'm a good person in someone eyes and bad for others. I never had intention to hurt somebody on purpose, but it happens. Even if time sometime make my point right but still.  Mistakes happen, even if it is not a mistake, but how different people perceive them may define them.  

I used to worry a lot when I was a child. Like, will I be able to score a goal, or pass the exam. Or maybe master this game. And if I fail, I know deep down that I'm enough to my parents, my friends, and myself. Now, I worry much less, as I'm much wiser than before. However, my worry hits much deeper, and then it come to my mind, Am I good enough? For me? For her? For Anyone? 

I used to have my life decided by others, My parents in particular. What to do, eat, wear, time to play or sleep, school, hobbies, etc. Now, I have to make decisions by my own, suffer the consequences whether good or bad. And in each decision, I will learn a lesson. Is it worth? Why did I do this? or the scariest question, What If?

When I was child, life is perfect. When I grow up, I realized it isn't. Yet! Why do we want everything to be perfect? Your life, love, work. Even if you make them perfect or they are already, the only one thing will not be perfect, is the death of loved ones. I was always scared from the idea of losing someone. I couldn't imagine it, but it happened, I lost her, I lost my father, I lost family members. It is not only rounded to death; it is more than this. the presence of someone, the loss of shared feelings, passions, and the unique connection we had with them. All lost! I learned to accept it eventually. But still, the feeling of griefless is the most difficult to deal with. Yet you have to accept it as an adult, and you never understand it while you were a child. As an adult, I realized that even death has a perfect timing when it comes to take someone's soul. I believe that from that person perspective, the timing is perfect after all. 

Childhood is heaven so does adulthood. The transition from childhood to adulthood is a profound journey, marked by a series of revelations and adjustments.

We learn a lot of about living and growing up, dream about it a lot when we were children. But did not think about what it means to be old? Yes! I sometimes feel I'm late in something and fighting myself for it. I used to look to things in one perspective and now in another and it keep changing ideas, believes like a flowing river. I used to have much energy to do many things, now, I'm with less energy and enthusiastic than before. We used as children to say, "we couldn't wait to get older" without realizing what meant to be old. And here I'm. I miss my childhood times. 

It is fascinating to see things around you getting old, I mean, if we talk about universe, places, books, everything. Is fascinating. When it comes to human being, it is never been the same, I mean we were pure as children, young and beautiful with lot of imagination and innocence, full of energy, full of love. Then, you get older, have wrinkles, have traumas, have cracks and pains. Everything you love and desire will disappear, dies, everything ends, and you have to see it and accept it. 

Despite that, I think it is not childhood vs. adulthood preference issue. Each phase in our life, has its own beauty; we tend to look to things we want to have or used to have. Instead of living the moment. As a child, I worried a lot but took actions toward them. So why we don't we do the same now. We may feel we are late into something. You never know your time if you compare someone's G-stage to your B-Stage.  Life isn't perfect in all stages, just because you have much awareness now, doesn't mean that as a child you did not think the same. You have one life, embrace it. Live it wisely to the fullest, don't spend time worrying, questioning, or running after people who don't value you. Accept yourself for who you are and learn from mistakes. As long as you have a good intention, you will be rewarded one day. Now or then, it only takes from you to be commitment and believe. 

The God says in his holy book Quran "Allah (God) does not burden any soul beyond what it can bear" 2-286. 

Give value to every single second of your life. 

And life goes on. 

- A Message to Future Self -

 

"I don't know if this will be a great moment or this will make it worse for you to remember this, but I hope you will read the message and the smile on your face."

Dear Future Self,

If you see this message again in a few years, and you are still alive, I want to congratulate you on not giving up on yourself. For hanging in there just a little bit longer... For sticking it out & staying upright in the face of all the setbacks. To deal with your inner demons... Despite the fact that you were sometimes depressed, but you are always a joyful person...For hoping that the people in your life will soon recognize your worth... I'm relieved you've moved on. I'm glad you've learned from your past, and it does not put weighs on you. I'm glad you're pleased. I'm glad you've found happiness. I'm glad that you are moving on with your business, I'm glad you are happy with your life, in a way that you can not wait to wake from the bed to start your day. I'm glad you've found your shining star, someone who loves you now,  I'm curious to know who she is...Thank you for allowing yourself to be who you are. .  I'm so thankful that you didn't forget me, you keep your personality and principles the same. I adore you.

Written on July 11, 2021, at 10:30 pm 

A meeting with younger me

I've always wondered. If by any chance, I would see myself. The younger self, the one who has my features. Looking straight to my eyes, to my core. What would he say about me? How would I see him? you will often tell him about all the pitfalls and mistakes that he must avoid, lapses that led to disasters, personality traits that led you to the loss of people you loved. Sincerely and later missed them bitterly.

I will see my younger self as a pure version of me, more energetic, lively, full of dreams, and has that spark in his eye. Very curious and spontaneous. He is still at the beginning of life's journey. he never encounters the feeling of being heartbroken, nor expressing failure, or have self-doubts. He is enjoying his independency, he has the passion to read and learn about anything, and everything. His ultimate goal is to understand himself, and the people. He wants to be in control of his life and decisions. All people are good as he is? Or that's what he thinks they are. 

Listen! let me flash it up things to you. This is how the dreams were broken? And remember this moment, it is when I had my first love, and this is how I lost it. This when I had my first disappointment, and this is the second, third. You will grow up with those people, some, who you will dedicate time and care about a lot, one in particular will give you your biggest disappointment, you will know who exactly. Look, at this moment, you say to yourself: okay! let me try to love. Boom! life plans were different. You start doubting, over and over again.  And this is when you feel life smiles again at work, you think you finally have a clear path of what you want to do. However, it comes with bigger responsibility, you keep growing financially, and improve yourself. But you still feel life dragging you to first place, and rotating at the same spot, your life is not stable, and time passes by. Look, I'm older now, and some things are not done as planned. See, how ambition beings to fade gradually.  My younger me, life has taught me a lot, in a hard way. I have shifted my direction many times to meet the ever-changing situation. I had to adapt to these changes, sometimes willingly and sometimes against my will. See how people now are less connected than before. Faking life, personality over what called social media. Wrong act is acceptable now, and right one is odd. Childhood is ruined, people lost morals. Everyone has secrets now. Even the little child, by age but adults by acts. You start losing trust to people, and gradually, feel lonely and foreign to your society. 

I didn't mean to disappoint you, but this is me. I'm shy in person, and still I'm. Pure inside, and still I'm. I was ignorant to the law of life, human nature, and fluctuation of circumstances. You will grow up from the fact that you are fragile like glass inside to a solid like rock. I become wiser, calmer, and more cautious in doing things. I matured enough to overcome scars, too many scars actually.

YouTube: Hamza Namira - Dari Ya Allby

 It will be -without doubt- an honest, frank self-confrontation, without compliments or self-polishing. We may -at time- lie to ourselves at some moment and deceive the reality. But, at this meeting, you will speak it out, black and white. Even it is harsh and bitter.  You can't bend the events, nor fake the acts after all. 

Do I regret something? Yes. Did I make mistakes? Sure! Did I disappoint someone? Unfortunately, yes! But all these things shaped who I'm now. It is because of you - my younger me - your principles, your heart, and your passion over things and people. I learned with each failure, I would stand up and fight. Actually, you taught me that each failure is a lesson learned. It is because of you, I realized that the fever of seeking knowledge and writing would not have infected me, it made me unbreakable, have confident, helping me express myself, my feelings and thoughts. And with each disappointment and its huge fractures to my soul, you taught me that only faith, devotion to work, love yourself, and people you care about, will protect me from the evils of the world.

And life goes on...

Untitled - 04 -

 

Today, November 21, is my birthday. 

In fact, I'm not sure what to write? And How to express my feelings? 

I can't say I'm more excited or more indifferent. I'm not sure If I'm interested in my future, and how I may meet my expectations at the personal or professional level for the new year, or If I don't care anymore about anything.

I always wonder when my time will come? when my moment will be? What moment?! My dreams and my Passion & goals. I stopped worrying about anything. I don't know what the future holds for me? I can see and feel how my mind shifted from someone who is ambitious to someone who is careless. 

This year and last year were very stressful ones. I believe that I have my biggest disappointment ever during this time. I've seen myself losing control, I've seen myself feeling empty inside, other times feeling left over. My passion to improve myself and motivation was at the lowest level possible. Yet, I survived, but with heavy costs, and a lot of burdens over my back. 

I had to make some decisions against my will, I encountered some feelings, that were not expected, and also was so powerful that I try to test and deny them but failed. Mixed of love, hate, envy, loss, desperate, and content. 

I have heard harsh words from my dearest and the closest person to me. I've noticed how people may change over time. They say words are so powerful and can hurt a lot. Yes! I have examples. 

Each year, I grow up old. Chasing tirelessly the time. I've become more thoughtful, more worried, more vulnerable over simple things. As time pass, I'm getting more into feeling that I'm old to others, and misunderstood. I'm losing my confidence at some point. I always feel like I'm missing something but can't tell what exactly, is it a person or a thing? Not quite sure.

It may seem that I'm over doubt about what the future holds, and this can be justified over things that I encountered. But still, I believe in god, and that I still have time to do what I want, and have my moment. I strongly believe.

And life goes on...

The fine line between love and dreams

Years ago! I was introduced to a movie called "La La land", it is a musical, comedy, romantic movie. I really enjoyed the movie (If you've never seen the movie, don't read this line) Mainly it talks about two-person, who both are passionately in love. However, they didn't end up together because, each one has a dream, and instead of being selfless and work together in the relationship, they act like a selfish person, who prefer h/her needs over being together.

So the movie had this question in my head and starts wrapping up over again. Is being selfish in love is a good thing? particularly in the early stage. You put your needs first over the other person dreams and goals in the term of relationship responsibilities and have her dreams and goals diminished.

This same selfish person, who always encourages people to chase their dreams, builds their personality first, is the same person, who - at this moment - is trying to do the opposite now! just because he feels that he needs to do it. Is it a hypocrite?

For example, A girl with an ambition to pursue her studies abroad falls in love with you, who -from the Otherside- do realize that continuing this relationship will be more likely end up her dreams. Still, you intend to continue per your need to be in a relationship and the possibility that you will not be able to support or fulfill her dreams.

You may say find a person who you both have the same dream, it is not working that way actually all the time. I mean, sometimes the difference between both is what sparks the relationship. 

When someone falls in love, it becomes superior to other things. It will shift your priorities, but still, at a certain point in life, you will think about the dreams you left. Do you regret your choice of love then? Does the other person feel guilty? 

I don't mean to be in a toxic relationship, that benefits me over the other. I feel that if I become more selfless, and want to support her. I would let her complete her dreams and goals, even though this means that I will lose her. I believe - as a caring person - should inform her of both scenarios.

I also believe that a healthy relationship is that one that has both love and dreams aligned together, you both play all the cards any way possible, hoping that both cards will become closer than ever. It is easy to say it but hard to adapt it at the end.

Anf life goes on...