Untitled

I've been recently having hardships in my life: Personally and at work.

Mainly these things are not due to my actions more than actions from the surrounded people or events, affecting my way of looking to life, and my future.

I feel like these things happen as a pattern; repeated over and over again.

Every time I'm trying to do something or think positively, I face something which holds me back.

Personally, I'm now worried about my mom's health, my future, feeling confused about how to deal with things.

Plus, I'm being pushed recently, to make a certain decision in regards to my future life.

This is mainly done by my family "Brothers, sisters-in-law" and sometimes by friends.

I may say it is not a new one. But I don't know why I always fight back, or take a laugh and say nothing.

I still have this set of mind of hesitating to do this, in the same way, I'm welcoming this.

I have this friend, who usually I have a deep conversation within everything, have many mutual interests. He once said: "it is not that you don't accept the idea more than your sub-conscious is refusing it for some reason, it is like you have an incomplete business! and you think you are not ready until you've done with this business" 

That really trigged me, I remember my mind was storming all night thinking.

Why would my sub-conscious refuse? Did he just say it? At some point, he's right, at another perspective, he is not. Maybe, I simply feel I'm not ready for the next step, have enough courage to go higher or able to take the responsibility or look brightly to the future. Not about this only, but I might be afraid of many things.

I also have some concerns about my work, my future. it is mainly about having self-confidence.

It is the first time in my life that I feel like I'm not good enough to perform a certain job 

I remember  a quote from an Arabic psychological book I read "الخروج من النص" which meant something to me when reading it, I will try to summarize it

"Be yourself, don't be someone who they want you to be! Don't let people used you and build their personal dreams over you. Be yourself, fight back, build value for yourself. You are on a journey of back and forth. Accept yourself for who you are and move forward."

Well, I can understand every single word of this, and I already have this set of mind.

But sometimes, I've been feeling down! I'm being misunderstood. Being Judged by surface.

People like the salad, good and bad ingredients chopped and mixed together. This mixed combination forms a good salad, not too sweet, not too sour. Balanced! But I'm the kind of person who tries to remove the bad things.

Lectures about "Don't let people took advantage of you, Read Between the Lines, Be wicked, You are being misunderstood of your intention" is overly jumping to my ear.  

I'm not sure how to deal with this. Is it a weakness that I need to work on? Or just wait and see how Karma will clear things up.

I feel If I don't change, I will not be ready for the next step.

At the same time, I feel that being that wicked, make assumptions on others, play dirty to misleading people is something beyond my ethics.

This leads me back to the question:
Is it my sub-conscious trying to say something? I will not have the confidence to go higher unless I do what I suppose to do: Being wicked, throwback a hit and read between the lines.

Or maybe this is a quieting person talk. Imaging things! And put an excuse of not being ready for the next step, enough courage to go higher or able to take the responsibility!

I'm a daring person, welcome any challenges that I face, an adventurous in nature, and most importantly, I have faith. And will overcome this to better me. I know my mind, situation trying to push me back. But I will do my best in everything.

And life continues...

  

ما زلت أذكرها

ما زلت اذكرها

برغم مرور السنين والاشهر والايام

ما زلت أذكرها

عطرها، شعرها، عينيها وضحكتها

ما زلت أذكرها

كيف إنساها وهي في القلب نبض وللروح غذاء وللحب أه

ما زلت أذكرها

لا أدري هل هو قدري أم هو وهم عابر 

ما زلت إذكرها

 رحمك الله، تركت روحا هائمة بدون عنوان مليئة بالخذلان

ما زلت أذكرها وما زلت وزلت..

فما هو المصير.. أن لم يكتب لهذا الحب نهاية سوى الشوق والحزن والحرمان.

The Philosophy of the stars & love

Why I love the Stars? Why I consider the stars as a symbol of happiness, love & hope for me.

The love of stars has an old story, when I was around 10 years old, my father used to teach me & my brothers about the stars & the name of each, by the time, I started to know shape of group stars & names of common stars, for where I started to admire the stars as a sign of inspiration & happiness to me.

The Night is dark, Quiet & loneliness; this combination summarize our life. We don’t have a full control of our life, we can’t foresee the future; its dark for us.

We at times, suffer of being disappointed & Sad or being satisfied & happy. We at times, feel so alone despite having everything, the life is a scary thing in which we have to work hard to get what we want, yet, we can’t have everything we love.

 The Sky represents our life; It's expand beyond our sight just like the things we dream about and it has endless edge just like our ambition, the dark represents the unknown future, the disappointments & loneliness. The only thing that makes alive is being loved by the people around you. The stars are the people, the ones who lighten up your life when it is so dark & quiet; encourages you to survive. one star may represent your parents, other is your partner, your friend, your pet. The most shining star is the one you love the most.

The stars also are far away from US, the sun is the nearest star to us but no, the night stars are more valuable to me; the Sun lights reach us around 8 mins, while the stars are far away from US. This represents the idea no matter how far are your loved ones, alive or dead. Their lights will be always guide you & encourages you to be strong & alive. It also indicated that with determination & hope, you will reach the end of the dark tunnel into the bright openings.

The love for anything should have a reason, this is a perfect equation & the root to solve any problem, you have to justify your love & hate for someone/something, and otherwise, you may not be able to solve any problem you may encounter or confess someone about how you feel about something.

In a relationship for example, you can’t naturally love someone for granted, you may admire the person loyalty, caring & passion, by the time, when you start getting away from this person, you may identify which things you were in love with at the beginning & you can’t find now. You may then tell this person that I loved you because you were a caring person and now you are not, you used be someone & now not. Or, when you have something you don’t love, you may sincere say that I hate this act or behavior from you.

 

I love the night & gazing the stars, I like walking in the night below the stars, and I like to sit in a chair or walk with someone I love, talking about life, love & the future or even being quiet at the night with a sky full of stars. I love the night stars. This kind of love will never fade away.

The Hard lesson of love.

In our dream life & in the process of growing up, we desire to have things that normally everyone will desire, or think they do. We desire to be wealthy, successful, healthy & loved. We working hard to get things done, chase our dreams to reach the ultimate goal & our soul to trace the significant other, the one that completes the other part of the circle of our life.

When it comes to reality, We will realize that not all we want will happen, no matter what we try or how much effort we put in it, it won’t. As simple as that. There are things we don’t want it to happen but yet need to accept them, things we don’t want to know or face but yet need to learn a lesson from them, there’s that one we thought H/She will never leave & we will not able to live without but yet have to accept the reality H/She has gone. life goes on.

What freaks me out is that I spend a lot of time & energy thinking of where to be & how to achieve my goals but forgetting when & where to start, and if I follow a path or a plan. I may end up with a dead-end. In each similar scenario, I have to take a detour & move forward. It works fine for me as I embrace it & considered as a necessity of growing up & to be more mature & wise. When it comes to a matter of love, I will hesitate & mostly will not get involved in. I’m not sure why? The scariest thing about love is, it can’t be controlled; it involves two person’s efforts when you put effort & energy into something, you expect results, but in love definition, when the other is not doing the same efforts then, it is a waste of energy; It downgrades you by the time pass by, makes you forgets everything. The scariest thing about love is you can’t guarantee this person would stay with you, in general, you can’t guarantee almost anything. When you decide to leave, you will force yourself to, it is not a self-willing act, a forceful act, you try to find any single reason to stay, but you ended up with the feeling of failure, rejection & disappointment.

The pain of losing the one you love, the significant other is so devastating, you need to recover but you are not willing to undergo this over again. The human is by nature expecting the worse & act accordingly.

You may on another hand, have someone is doing efforts to be with you, thinking that you as the other half of h/hers, you may think the same, you may feel that this is life & the one you had been in love deeply before was really not meant to you; you have learned the lesson since then. Logically, I have found my half now, this person is what I’m looking for, I should do some effort to keep this person close. Yet you still have this idea of losing whispering to you "it won’t end up like you want it to be". The pain inside still have a scar in your heart & soul.

It’s so painful! When the other half arrives late to your heart, trying to attach to your half. When you tried before to do the same from your perspective but didn’t work well. Your soul is so afraid, your mind is in chaos & your heart is so broken & you don’t feel you are ready to start over again. When you have an idea that not every happy beginning will end up as a happy ending. When you learn a lesson & becoming more mature, you will be more scared to get yourself again to the same scenario; it scares you a lot & everything will be less interesting.

I’m surprised how people able to go through this over & over again, I can't change my heart & shift my feeling that easily, it will take time to process & during this time, the other one will feel neglected & will stop trying. I have been loved twice; in each, I find it hard to overcome. The first I learned a lesson not to through all my feelings into, the second I was cautious enough to learn but yet have that idea when believing in something it will happen. The first is from other religion & beliefs which ended up in that way, she got married & I wished all the best she can have, I was living my life having her around. Far away but alive, when her son will be born, does she think about me? Even in seconds. My world was safe as long as she is safe. She was killed which torn my broken heart much more. The other, she reminded me of the first, she lightened my dark, cold heart again, I may say I hesitated right, I may say that things around were not helping, I may say I started to love her each day, I may say I felt I’m losing her, I may say I lost her, I may say it was a game over to my heart. I also wished her a good life, I also wonder if I ever jumped into her head for seconds.

People have asked me: When you will love someone? when you will get married? you are getting old. I may say: I loved with all my heart, not once, twice. In each I ended up heartbroken, I show a great interest of the person I'm in love with, I find hard to replace this person for someone else, A feeling of betrayal & guilt will overcome me & even if I overcome that feeling, I find it hard to start a new relationship, I Have been in love before, I ended up alone, I sometimes imagine if she texts me or sends me a message if she enters my life again in any form, I’m scared to see her again or text her back. My heart will beat fast, I feel like I have to put effort to please her, to have the smile on her face. I’m still in love with her in a way that I’m not willing to start a new love, not willing to do anything. It is better in that way & much safer.

Why Do I Miss Her?

© FB: Roadtrip

Why do I miss her? She moved away with her life, get married, Happy, I sincerely & always wish her good luck, but why do I miss her?

I'm living my life, everything is normal, but she is in my mind, no matter what I do? whatever the thing that distracts me, she came in a second & disappear, it is like she is telling me I'm here inside. You loved me down to the bone & you can't do anything about it.

Yes, I still do care about her! I sometimes ask about her, checking if she is doing fine? I 'm not sure from her end, frankly speaking, I'm not sure about her feeling, not the missing part apparently, at least the presence of me in her heart & mind. How's he doing? Is he still thinking about me? Did he find another girl to love? But all I ask myself is? Did she ever love me? why do I miss her?

 I used to build walls whenever love strikers, searching for that special one, I learned the hard way that you should not fall 100% in love & have loyalty to someone at the early beginning, You are not sure how the other person feels towards you. not sure how the ending will be. Well, I lost someone special, She died in a terrorist attack, It was something still can't bear it.

Since that time, I started to build my walls, rejecting every offer to open the gate to my heart. No, I don't want to! laughing to my co-workers without saying anything the reason why? I feel I'm Betraying her "whispering to myself" She died "My mind replies", I Know but, But what? you have to move on, no dear I won't.

                                   

Adele - Chasing Pavements

Years Passed & after throwing away every opportunity to start a relationship, I kept my walls high, Until I met her, & the lesson still in my head, Don't fall completely in love.

I started to approach slowly & wisely, She had that special halo around her, the same Halo I'd noticed with the first. She was a beauty queen but her inner beauty which i loved the most is charming, She was hiding that with big walls of her. Yes! she was that type, securing her heart, rejecting every offer to open it.

I've decided, no matter how difficult it is? I will be the one who opens his heart, make her inner beauty blossom outside. I tried & tried, Taking measurable steps & being extra cautious, after all, life gave me a lesson & it will be repeated until you figure it out, I was acting accordingly. I can say I got something "or it was a Facade", I was feeling more confident & happy "Or Maybe I was fooling myself" I remember how she opens up her heart, sharing her interests with me, her troubles. I was waiting for the right moment for me. I was preparing to start a new level, yes I had a tough time during the same days, in which during when I noticed I started to lose her, I was rejecting this Idea, My mind wants to build the walls again, My heart falls in love... Completely

Labrinth - Beneath you are beautiful

Then, it comes again, She got engaged, She has a new lover, Someone who opens her heart, she welcomes the new conquer throwing me away from her heart "Or maybe I wasn't there". The rest is history.

I'm not sure, Why do I miss her? we didn't have a relationship in order to reject me & feel the need to wants her? I even still questioning if my heart was fooling me all the time? Did she ever think of me? Does she really think about me from time to time? Does she really check about me? or, I'm not sure what to say? Her name is whispering in my mind. These questions I won't any response sooner or ever. It is a reminder to be like an Ice ALL THE TIME. COLD & Beautiful.

The Walls are so high now, I've turned to be very afraid to fall in love or even thinking about, I learned a lesson from this "or it is a lesson i made for me", If you love someone deeply if you find that special one that touches our soul, you won't get her.

Labrinth - Jealous 

No Matter how I try to hide it, it would show in any way available: My eyes, My Voice tone, My Nervousness about nothing, I missing her, the one who I'm not sure what she was in her mind & heart or what she is thinking right now? I Only Miss her.

As time passes, the more I understand that everything around me is starting to be less interesting, as long I have this void in my life, I'm not intending to fill it but, I'm missing her & Don't know the reason why?