Chapter One - January 2015

In life

Helping Others is nice 

Helping too much is bad for you ONLY

but I keep doing it for same person, for years

• They Say it's a new year, a new hope , a new plan & a new you, I don't see any.

• I Am tired, confused and exhausted 

• In the beginning of this month , i was wondering what she is doing ?! she is been in recovery since last month and back on 14th, she seems happy of outcome which is great. i was wondering if she thought the same back to me like i did. or not ?!  

Advise to myself

 If a man lives on his past, then he takes out the present and forgets about the future.
if a man ignores the past, he may take out the future and forgets his present.
Keep your past, learn from mistakes and live the present to seed the future like you want it to be.

Moving Backwards..

A Nighty-Conversation Between Me & Myself!

Myself: How’s everything is going with you?!

Me: I don’t know, I feel like I am alone but unique, optimistic but have no clue about future, nothing seems positive on horizon.

Myself: you have all potential to be a successful person as you are right now! Why to worry?!

Me: I have to admit that I worked hard for myself but looking to my current status: finically and socially, I Believe that I am not successful at all.

Myself: but you get a good job and your life is stable, you’ve been proven yourself as a successful person and will have results soon

Me: it is not about getting results, I feel like that despite everything I worked on, I still circling in same spot, whenever I achieve something, level up my life, I had unexpected issue that ruin everything to me and take out the blood from my veins, have me returned to first place like a fresh graduate student that will start his career.

Myself: what do you mean exactly?!

Me: it means that I wasted time in my life doing everything but have results of person doing nothing.

Myself: oh, I got you. But at least you get experience, which will boast your life.

Me: Okay, I believe you don’t get me right.

Myself: oh dear, you are overreacting things, life is not colorful after all there’s ups and downs with it and you have to deal with it.

Me: I Am fully understand definition of life, but does that means that working hard rewards nothing.

Myself: you have to keep trying, life is unfair sometimes.

Me: it is unfair as a fact, sometimes you need luck to progress, but I don’t thing that unfair will keep rolling back in your area. There should be time to be fair with you.

Myself: and you have to wait to that moment.

Me: you still didn’t get me, I’ve been stepped back many times and say it is okay and start moving forward again and again but then life spank me back to zero.

Myself: okay

Me: the only difference is that time moving on.
Myself: so what?!

Me: time passing and I am rounding on same place, you make calculation.

Myself: so, you mean you waste energy and time for nothing.
Me: exactly.

Myself: you have to let things go and work according to factor you have currently.

Me: This is the point, I have to let go things that supposed to be done earlier on beginning and was in middle of road of doing it and but then returned back to zero like nothing done.

Myself: and what’s the problem with that?!

Me: I am long term planner, now I have to get short term planning.

Myself: Right, SO!!

Me: During long term planning, you set goals and steps to progress your life, put some possibilities or flexibility for each step in order to overcome step downs, each step have its’ time to achieve to move to next step and so on.

Myself: and

Me: I finish step 1 which took me for example one year, and while working 2 then have unexpected event returns me back to zero and go on go on, time passes, then have to let go some things, because you realize that you are late.

Myself: and where’s problem with that?! It is a right decision.

Me: Looking to all your efforts and how you worked hard on yourself, comparing to others same age or same time: Less than you, but way better than you.

Myself: don’t compare yourself with others, this is unfair to you.

Me: I am comparing to show how failure I am,
I have my friends for example, they look at me as something special, because I really working hard on myself, but comparing to them, they look more stable than me.

Myself: you are not a failure, life didn’t work well for you.

Me: even though, I feel like I Am a failure despite everything.

Myself: since you worked hard for yourself then why to worry about being failure or successful, you will be successful after all.

Me: problem is not about being successful or not, problem is about time passing and you are reaching step 4 or 5 according to your plans, which is totally depends on first steps.

Myself: you feeling retired, a way back from you goals but older.

Me: exactly, when you reach a point in your life that you have to make critical decision: like marriage or start small business, these things need basement, the stronger the basement the higher confidence you will be to get into it.

Myself: these things can be wait.

Me: Life sometimes offers you an opportunity, you have to grab it but in my case.
I want to grab it but you can't because something pull you down.
It is like you want to step up but some unfinished business interrupts You and you have two Options:

• Either go and finish that thing that pulls down but you can't guarantee you will find that opportunity you want.
• Or grab it and expect unpleasant ending because logically you are not good enough.

Myself: if it is important and you want then you have to work hard even If it takes time.

Me: some things can be delayed, some can't.

it is like you have a rare chance and you are hesitate to grab or wait, but can't be sure that this chance will have it again, so you have to manipulate according to new factors, deleting some things, accelerate time to build up strong basement but again life is not helping.

Myself: you keep talking about time and age.

Me: it is as important factor.

Myself: no, it is not!

Me: when you have laws that protect you, support you then it is not a factor but when you lacks both then you have to work hard to achieve your things, time passes, life turns table on you, start again with time passes and again life will do its’ magical way to turn it again and return to beginning, then yeah time matters.

Myself: I Am Confused.

Me: tell me about it.

Myself: I believe I get your point, but don’t you believe in fate and if that thing meant for you then it will be for you.

Me: I believe in fate, but do you have any idea about your future?! Do you know what is for you and what is not?! Did god inform you that if you want something there's two options: you have to work for it or sit down and do nothing, in either way you will get that thing!

Myself: you are right. In order to achieve something you have to work for it and sometimes more than once.

If you get it then it is for you, if it is not then it is not meant to be.

Me: exactly, and this is what I am worrying about, I have a chance and need to work on it, my heart tells me to progress on it while my mind wants to stop as I am not ready.

Myself: typical heart and mind battle.

Me: yes and this thing is killing me inside, especially when that thing can’t be delayed and you may have one chance to grab, otherwise, you may lose it forever and feeling of regret will be hard to handle.

Myself: I have to admit that you have to make big decisions and time is limited.

Me: exactly, time and factors surrounding me is not helping but I will try to work accordingly and maybe I will get what I deserved.

Myself: I will go to sleep now, it is getting late and you have to wake up early tomorrow.
Me: A new day, full of hope and believe.

Myself: as always, I was very blessed to talk with you.

Me: Me too, we will talk another night.

Myself: Sure we will!
Me: nighty-night myself

Myself: Nighty and sweet dreams, Keep on faith

Me: as always

صامدون .. وللحياة بقية

عام مضى ويأتي عام وما زلت نفسي 

لا جديد يُحكى ولا قديم يُسر

ًتركتُ الأحلام جانباً وأتخذت الواقع هدفا 

تعلمت بأن الولاء بدعةُ, ففي القلبِ هَوَى يرميك برمشة عين من صديق الى عدو 

وصدمتُ بأناس في لحظة , يهوون مِن العلا الى هاوية التقدير

ورأيتُ الوطن يمزق أشلاءاً , من أناس همهم القتل والتهجير والسبي

ونورت سمائي نجمة , نورها ليس كنور كل النجوم

ُوكيف لشخصٍ أن يكون بطبيعتهُ, وواقعه لا يحتمل 

وهل للأمل باب , أم أن أبواب الأمل مغلقة 

ًفكل ما تأتيك فرصة , يرميك القدر فيرديك مهمشاً مكسوراً مدمرا

فلكل شخص هواه ولكل شخص مصلحتهُ ولكل ذو حظ نصيب 

فالحياة صعود ونزول ومنها الدروس والعبر 

وفي كل سنة الأمنيات تُحضر 

وبريق الأمل يزداد 

فها انا اليوم متأملا 

راضياً قنوعاً شاكراً بما حاكاه لي القدر

فلتأتي الحياة بأعنف ما لديها , فبي أمل يبرق ويخفت لكن لن ينطفيء

فلا يهمني شيئا 

فالغريق لا يخشى على نفسه من البلل 

ًوما زلت صامدا

Ed Sheeran - Thinking out load // My Song for 2014

This is my song for 2014..
I love everything about "Lyrics, Music, performance , Background everything is perfect"

Enjoy

500 Days of Raghda - The untold Story

There's a movie called "500 days of summer". It is a romance movie, but unlike any other romance movie, it does not end with two lovers meant together and have the movie-end kiss. No! It mainly tells a story of a guy, on his journey of love, hope, suspect, depression and disappointment. The story begins with love at first sight, tells the story in the eye of the lover, diving deeply in his thoughts and his journey of changing emotions. How his relationship with her is on fire at a time, and cold like ice later. It starts with a love story and ended up drifting away with no true reason.

What I liked the most about the movie is the way it uses time! It jumps back and forth between the current and the past. One scene is about day 1. the next scene is about day 320 and so on. Another thing is about how to tell the story in the eye of the lover, going deep in his mind by capturing two contracted scenes of expectations vs. reality. This "Screen splitting" was first introduced to me by the Syrian series "على طول الأيام" one of my favorite tv series.

I have this movie in my mind, as I recall how I met her! for the first time. How my emotions were going from being sky-high to a very bottom down feeling.

I asked God one day if there's a love a first sight, then show me the proof. She was that proof! I was a student at the university, standing with a friend outside my department. She came as a freshman student walking from Far away. 

At first sight, I had my mind and heart asking the question: Who's she? Why my heart beating so fast? Why my mind is in chaos? I still remember the scene, everything was blurry, except her. As she was walking, she climbed the stairs of my department... Oh My God, She is a fresh student in my department. Days later, I was looking for her, chasing her moderately. Without her noticing. I was going home every day, very happy. 

Time flies, when I found out she's a Christian. I got disappointment, not of the fact that she's not from my religion. I respect and love them. But the fact there's no way that we will be together. especially in a place where society was torn apart from war and civil war. I was so disappointed at first. Until the time, I've noticed she's looking back, chasing me through her eyes the way I did. This kind of look is so captivating, Eyes very expressive, that smile. it is like looking to myself in the mirror. I had the same facial expression every time I had a glance look at her, warm feelings and a wonderful world. I bet she had the same feeling I had when I look at her.

The first year passed, I didn't have the courage to speak up my mind. We were on summer holiday. I was nervous, as I know many families are departing Iraq, especially Christians. Then one day I had something to do at the university, and there was she. From Far away, eyes met together, and she had that big smile on her face. I was so high.

Long Story Short, the new semester starts, and I was finally able to talk to her. Love her more, and then have her go. As I found out there's no way we will be together.

It was expected, and this was worrying me all the time. At first glance, I've been recognized as a Christian, she may expect something and then reality strikes, he's from the other religion. She's so believer and committed to her religion. I was from another side, shifting between expectation and reality the same way she did. We ended up with one reality, we can't be together.

I started next year with huge disappointment, I tried to avoid her. I was expecting she will not care and will move on. But no! she "Just like me" had that fire inside. I didn't want to approach her. Logically, the more that I will talk to her, the more I will be falling. From her perspective, she tried her best to approach. Even though there was no direct communication, but I participate in her life. Assisted indirectly to aid her study. I tried my best to be careless, while I was burning inside. I couldn't look at any other girl except for her. Despite having the opportunity to get into a relationship with another. But no! It is like cheating, I will not do that! 

I had several hard days. One day, I was crying, very jealous of seeing someone from her religion, approaching her, he is from evening studies. They walked together to the library, bought a sheet and that's it. Her Friend Hala was not with her! Why? I asked one mutual friend in her class. I know she did not have anything but just to think about that burned me inside. She noticed this time and followed me to the classroom, where my friend was comforting me. She sat nearby with eyes full of worries. "I'm sorry Zaid!" That was I thought she said in her mind and I hide my face, wiped up my tears, and then I told my friend I will go home.  I couldn't stay! By the end of the year and during the final examinations, my mind was in storms, I couldn't read, sleep, and live normally; I was all about her. Stuck in the middle. 

I used to read my final examination playing this song continuously 

Time flies, the feeling of disappointment grows more, graduated & moved on in my life. Speaking about graduation. My brother and cousins came with me, I saw her nearby. Then after the graduation party, we went to a restaurant. 5 minutes later, you were there. Sitting with your friend facing me. Exchange look, I wonder what was in your mind. I remember that the music was songs from Tamer Hosney "Egyptian signer" one after another. God had me at this moment.

This is one of the songs played - Time paused for me while looking at you at that moment  

That was my last time seeing her, I didn't dare to come to the university. Well, I did but in general... I was happy in that way, she's alive and happy. Then that eventual moment comes, she got engaged!

I can not describe how I felt that day but ended up accepting the reality, and any views from expectations were fading away. Then she got married, that painful and expected truth. I ended up sincerely wishing her good luck. I accepted that reality, in exchange for having her being happy and alive. Breathing the same air, being nearby. Her Heart beating in harmony with mine; these reasons were like a drug to me. I'm happy because she's! At nights, I used to sit outside in the garden, gazing at the stars, thinking about her. I'm in the same world like hers, looking to the same sky; my love is pure.

October 31, 2010. I was at work, I was not that good actually. I was not in the mood of work and wanted to depart early. However, I managed to stay until the end of work time. On my way home, I had to go through a certain street. It was closed! I didn't know, but then I opened the TV and here it was. Regardless of the reasons behind this, which are not justified. The terrorists are keeping hostages in Lady of Salvation church. Oh My God! What? Raghda.

I know she goes to another church, but I don't know why I felt she was there. I don't have her contact number, I can't call anyone to check on her. I couldn't sleep, going back on forth. Checking the news and Facebook from her friends. Nothing! 

Hours later, the Iraqi SWAT stormed the church, the terrorists start to shoot the hostages randomly. I'm still worried, nothing new. Is she at the church? Why she's not interacting? Her friends said nothing, the news does not provide any information about who was saved, and who was.. killed.

 I had that fight in my mind, I barely slept. I didn't go to work the next day. I was so worried, she was there! I was sure in my heart. I trust my heart on this, but I was hoping my heart failed me this time... But it didn't...

This is a post from a friend of her in the same glass. I was refreshing my Facebook and then I saw this. Just Now! Speechless... My heart turned to black, cold-like Ice. I can't say more about this moment...

Next few days, I was back at work. On my way to work, early in the morning. I happen to pass by the church street, This is where I see her condolence board at the wall about the funeral place and time for the Bride of heaven: Raghdad Wafi Yousif Beshara... 

Her last day through her eyes, as told by her parents. 

She was in her second month after her marriage date, she got the news from her doctor that she's pregnant. She wanted to go to church to be thankful and get the blessing for this news, her father called and asked her not to go, he told her about the threats. At that time, there's was an outside tension arises in Egypt between Muslims and Coptic people (Christians). She responded to her father "If I meant to die at church, then I would love to" 

She went There with her Aunt, when those terrorists enter the church, the priest managed to take them ib the church basement without any notice and locked the door. Her father called, she responded quietly, assuring to him that she's alive, so as her aunt. She was wounded but alive. hours later, the terrorists were able to locate them. She called her father again and told him that they were exposed, the terrorist is trying to open the door, and they are trying to prevent that. "Open the door or I will shoot" This what her father heard from the other side of the phone. Seconds later, the terrorist start shooting, and she had her aunt died in front of her. She was crying, yelling and tell her father that her aunt is killed. Seconds later, she told her father the terrorist open the door and he's about to kill them. "Allah Akbar" and boom. This what was heard by her father. the last second of her life. When I read this, I don't know. Split the screen, have me in one and her in another. We both were dying at the same moment, but each in his/her way. She was killed physically and her soul went up to heaven, while I.. I was devastated, defeated and killed psychologically, and my soul trapped in the earth...

I remember this picture like it was yesterday, your laugh, your eyes, your everything. 

God bless your soul

And life goes on, is it really? It stopped right at that moment 31/10/2011.