Why Do I Miss Her?

© FB: Roadtrip

Why do I miss her? She moved away with her life, get married, Happy, I sincerely & always wish her good luck, but why do I miss her?

I'm living my life, everything is normal, but she is in my mind, no matter what I do? whatever the thing that distracts me, she came in a second & disappear, it is like she is telling me I'm here inside. You loved me down to the bone & you can't do anything about it.

Yes, I still do care about her! I sometimes ask about her, checking if she is doing fine? I 'm not sure from her end, frankly speaking, I'm not sure about her feeling, not the missing part apparently, at least the presence of me in her heart & mind. How's he doing? Is he still thinking about me? Did he find another girl to love? But all I ask myself is? Did she ever love me? why do I miss her?

 I used to build walls whenever love strikers, searching for that special one, I learned the hard way that you should not fall 100% in love & have loyalty to someone at the early beginning, You are not sure how the other person feels towards you. not sure how the ending will be. Well, I lost someone special, She died in a terrorist attack, It was something still can't bear it.

Since that time, I started to build my walls, rejecting every offer to open the gate to my heart. No, I don't want to! laughing to my co-workers without saying anything the reason why? I feel I'm Betraying her "whispering to myself" She died "My mind replies", I Know but, But what? you have to move on, no dear I won't.

                                   

Adele - Chasing Pavements

Years Passed & after throwing away every opportunity to start a relationship, I kept my walls high, Until I met her, & the lesson still in my head, Don't fall completely in love.

I started to approach slowly & wisely, She had that special halo around her, the same Halo I'd noticed with the first. She was a beauty queen but her inner beauty which i loved the most is charming, She was hiding that with big walls of her. Yes! she was that type, securing her heart, rejecting every offer to open it.

I've decided, no matter how difficult it is? I will be the one who opens his heart, make her inner beauty blossom outside. I tried & tried, Taking measurable steps & being extra cautious, after all, life gave me a lesson & it will be repeated until you figure it out, I was acting accordingly. I can say I got something "or it was a Facade", I was feeling more confident & happy "Or Maybe I was fooling myself" I remember how she opens up her heart, sharing her interests with me, her troubles. I was waiting for the right moment for me. I was preparing to start a new level, yes I had a tough time during the same days, in which during when I noticed I started to lose her, I was rejecting this Idea, My mind wants to build the walls again, My heart falls in love... Completely

Labrinth - Beneath you are beautiful

Then, it comes again, She got engaged, She has a new lover, Someone who opens her heart, she welcomes the new conquer throwing me away from her heart "Or maybe I wasn't there". The rest is history.

I'm not sure, Why do I miss her? we didn't have a relationship in order to reject me & feel the need to wants her? I even still questioning if my heart was fooling me all the time? Did she ever think of me? Does she really think about me from time to time? Does she really check about me? or, I'm not sure what to say? Her name is whispering in my mind. These questions I won't any response sooner or ever. It is a reminder to be like an Ice ALL THE TIME. COLD & Beautiful.

The Walls are so high now, I've turned to be very afraid to fall in love or even thinking about, I learned a lesson from this "or it is a lesson i made for me", If you love someone deeply if you find that special one that touches our soul, you won't get her.

Labrinth - Jealous 

No Matter how I try to hide it, it would show in any way available: My eyes, My Voice tone, My Nervousness about nothing, I missing her, the one who I'm not sure what she was in her mind & heart or what she is thinking right now? I Only Miss her.

As time passes, the more I understand that everything around me is starting to be less interesting, as long I have this void in my life, I'm not intending to fill it but, I'm missing her & Don't know the reason why?

لا تتزوجي عراقي..

لا تتزوجي عراقي..

 جملة قد تكون عادية بالنسبة لأي شخص لكن ما أن قرأتها, أمتلكني شعور غريب, شعور بالدونية و شعور بالذل والأحساس بالخطأ مع أنه الكلام غير موجه لي لكن القصد منه الرجل العراقي والذي أنا واحد منهم أذا, نوعا ما , الكلام يمسي وأن كان بطريقة غير مباشرة. والمبكي  عندما يصدر من أمرأة عراقية! هذا كان جزء من رسالة وداعية في مذكرات زميلة سترحل عن العراق كتبت بواسطة زميلة أخرى, كان دوري لكي أكتب ولفتت أنتباهي هذه الجملة. 

هذه الجملة جعلتني أفكر مطولا, من هو الرجل العراقي؟ هل هو ذلك الرجل الشهم القوي الحنون ذو القلب الطيب والغيرة؟ أم أنه مجرد شخص قاسي القلب , بارد, ذو أسلوب جاف ولا يملك غيرة؟  ما الذي دفعها لقل هذا الكلام؟ هل تجربة مرت بها أم ماذا؟ التجربة الشخصية لا يمكن أن تعمم على مجتمع بكامله, هل مبدأ السيء يعم و الجيد يخص هو الغالب؟!

حادث أخر حدث لصديقة أخرى بنفس اليوم, أثناء قيادة السيارة; حدث عطب في أحدى أطارات السيارة ونتيجة لذلك, يجب عليها تبديل الأطار المعطوب بأخر سليم, المشكلة الحادث وقع في مكان يتواجد فيه حرس وفيه أجراءات أمنية, هذه الفتاة لجهلها بعملية تبديل الأطار; كانت بحاجة لمساعدة رجل عراقي. للأسف!  الحرس كانوا واقفين مراقبين المشهد ومنتظرين الفتاة تقوم بتبديل الأطار! وبالرغم من مرور عشرات السيارات, لم يكلف أحد من هؤلاء الرجال الوقوف والسؤال فيما لو تحتاج مساعدة, اللهم حسب قولها شخصين ولكن منعهم الحرس!! نعم تم منعهم. الفتاة وبعد أن تكلمت مع المسؤول أضطر أحد الجنود لمساعدتها, الفتاة عند وصولها للعمل أفصحت عن ما في داخلها من حسرة وغضب وكره لكل رجل مر من عندها من دون مساعدتها وجاءت صديقة أخرى تساندها بالموضوع وكلامهما كله على مدى دناءة الرجل العراقي وعدم وجود الغيرة وكره كل ما هو عراقي.

هذا الكلام للأسف هو واقع موجود ولا يمكن أنكاره لكن لماذا دوما ننظر لنصف الكأس الفارغ ؟  لماذا السيء يعم والجيد يخص؟ تجربة سيئة واحدة لا يمكن أعطائها طابع العام , في كل مجتمع يوجد الصالح والطالح, فهناك الأشخاص الذي يبادرون وهناك الأشخاص لا تعرفهم لكنك تجدهم عندك في حال وقوعك بمشكلة. قد لا أذكر مثالا ليس لأني لا أملك واحدا بقدر ما ممكن أيجاد هكذا نوعية من الأشخاص أو الرجال بعبارة ثانية.

  المشكلة ليست فقدان الرجولة بقدر ما هي نتائج  تراكمية لمجتمع عاش حياته تحت ظل الحروب والجهل والفقر لثلاثة عقود ونصف والحبل جرار. قد لا يكون هذا الشيء مبررا لكن له النسبة العظمى, الزيجات الحالية تنتهي أغلبيتها بطلاق بسبب أنه الزواج تم لمصلحة مالية أو عرف أجتماعي أو أي سبب غير ناتج عن قناعة نابعة من القلب أو فهم خاطيء لمفهوم الزواج والشراكة الزوجية وحقوق كل شخص, السبب الأخر لغياب الشهامة, الغيرة أو الرجولة بشكل عام هو التربية العشائرية المبنية على تحقير المرأة وجعلها كائن للتكاثر فقط وسطوة الرجل في جميع مفاصل الحياة, قد يكون الأب أو الأخ أو الزوج ولي أمر الفتاة لكن عليه أن لا يكون ظالما بحقها فهي بالأخير أنسانه لها فكر وأحساس وكيان خاص بها, هذه النظرة الدونية لا تسمح للرجل بأن يبادر بالمساعدة للمرأة في حالة وقعت في مشكلة لأنه حسب عرفه يعتبر أهانة; فهي قد خلقت لخدمته وليس عليه أي واجب عليها. 

متى ما غاب القانون وغابت الأخلاق, أنتشر الفساد والعرف العشائري وسادت الأحكام المتخلفة, القانون العراقي فيه كل النصوص التي تصون المجتمع لكن جهل المجتمع بها وخوفهم من القال والقيل يحد من فعاليته , متى ما غابت هيبة الدولة سادت الفوضى ومتى ما غاب دور الأب والأم في تربية الأبناء فالناتج مجتمع مفكك فاسد وهذا أساس المشكلة وحلها.

Points of Nowhere

© FB: Art is a way of survival

I've been rolling over & over in the same place for a while, there's no time for silence in my mind. It's like my mind is trying to explode but my skull is holding it tight inside, a severe headache that knocking my forehead to get out. 

My vision is not so clear at the moment, I'm not sure who I'll be in a few years and who are the people I'll be with. But I'll keep going until it's all clear. I Have faith.

Big decisions require big sacrifice, life detours they say, A detour may open up to the big world, a world you would really flourish & find your self in & have your dreams on the process. Or, it may throw you back to beyond the starting point, to that little corner in the room where you always try to cry but you can't.

You are trying to be strong, all the time but in fact,  you are a weak inside, trying to hide it will kill you slowly & by the time you realize that, it may be too late to recover,

My happy side is hiding somewhere, and I'm trying to find it.

In people around me, in things, in places & in every little thing. Life gives a sign to follow, it may helps you to make a decision, if you didn't find it or ignore it,  you have to move on & find the next sign, it may not lead to the same direction but it will eventually lead you to what your heart desire, they say.

I have thoughts of me not reaching my goals, thoughts of people who left, died & have my heart broken, thoughts of things I wish I could do, but I couldn't. what if, what if I followed that sign, catch that opportunity, maybe & only maybe, I reach my goals & feel secure.

There will always be turning points, where we leave some people, leave some thoughts, some memories, and some mistakes behind us & begin a new life.

It is funny when after all these years, you are facing the same thoughts, these thoughts follow me before sleep. but instead of making an affirmative decision, you hesitate, yes, the typical you. The one who always hesitate when it comes to life detours.

But who knows, years passed have taught me a lot, looking to things in another perspective, goals may change, yes the main is still the same but the time forced me to drop this & that, add a thing or two, I feel numb now.

God, I know I'm only average. I'm not too religious. I make mistakes yet, I have a sense of right & wrong. Please guide me, I'm not sure where & how I will be. but I do know that, I lost people I love, detours I missed, signs I didn't follow, I lost my soul once & I'm not willing to live in worries anymore.

Happy Birthday & RIP

Today is your birthday in heaven, My prayers & blessings i send, Carried by the winds to you, not just for today but for everyday, I think of you all the time, Happy Birthday and, RIP.

You used to love this song.

  Josh Groban - When you say you love me

Why I Love her?!

An Old Poem written by me to a girl who i used to love; she doesn't know about it and she will never know. she was killed 6 years ago and despite everything and all distraction in our live, she still in my mind, my heart and my soul. God Bless Her.

Here it says

If Someone asked me why i love her; i would say
It's the softness of her skin
The love in her eyes and the lust in her lips
The curves in her body and the silk in her hair
The Charming of her smile ; The sweetness of her talk
The way that makes feel happy & Brights my day
The feeling of loving her each day and forever
That's what i would say.