Chapter Nine - September 2015

Moving forward; Holding a jar of a broken heart & a lantern of a bright future.

• This Month was a test to my ability to adopt with a new work environment.
• I proved again to myself that all my hardships are finally ready to harvest.
• I always say to myself: never under-estimate anything, it may sound easy to do or not an important advice but you have to keep learning & focus on everything said to your or read it because these small details will show how great work is.
• It has been over a two months since i moved away from her and my ex-work.
• Love can be proven to be real and sincere if distance didn't change anything toward the other person.
• When your hearts beats so fast, you legs is shaking like you can't even stand a still & you wondering why is that?!
• This how i felt when i came back to my ex-work place, walking to her room.
• She looks beautiful like always, her smile, her hair, her voice, her everything.
• Sorry Mind, My heart won again :(

Chapter 8 - August 2015

Moving forward into a new horizon, but holding down my scars

• It's a new month, new life, new work, new everything.
• Day by day, I feel more appreciated and more respected than ever.
• Maybe it is the first time that i feel i am part of something big and i am as important as anyone else
• It's a best plan to check if what i felt was genuine or not "for her".
• I realized later and despite new colleagues and work, i still thinking about what she is doing?!
• In Fact, I heard she is nervous in these days, don't know why?! 
• I Am learning new stuff, the more i get in depth, the more i am amazed of how organized my work place is and the more i know how deep i fall into her.

Chapter 7 - July 2015

New light on Horizon, mixed emotions.

• I Had My New Work Interview done, I have a new life to start.
• I Can say it comes on perfect time, it was supposed to be completed two monthes ago.
• I feel i can't give more than i am giving now to my current job.
• I need a new start, new aim, otherwise, i will not besatisfied about my work level.
• It is like you want to reach the sky, you climb the mountin and reach the top and yet you still didn't reach the sky, you new support to help reach the sky.
• No motivation or helpful resources offered by manager.
• My work was supposed to be on July, but due to my co-worker absence i got extension to have next month.
• My friends called me: Crazy, stupid and insane...leave them and go!! you are lossing money.
• It is called loyality, I will not feel comfortable leaving something undone for money.
• I have a positive attidue in my current work, for employes and company as well. it is hard to leave such job and people and ....... 
• I didn't tell all of people there, i didn't tell her to be specified. i don't know why?! she will never care at all, but even though, something inside me tell me not to do.
• when things was all cleared, and everyone knows, it was hard to me to see people feeling sad about my departure.
• It is after all life, I Have to leave for better future.
• I know what other feels about my departure, but never heard from her.
• I will never forget my life there, it was one of my best period for work even some disappointments occur in the middle, but it was okay.
• This quote: “The things you do for yourself are gone when you are gone, but the things you do for others remain as your legacy.”  feel like it fits to me describing my departure there.
• My new job after all, is a first step for long periond plan i am working on.
• I Had a mind-shifting after disappointing from her, she was the last hope that life worth something. I was planning to accompany me here and help her during process but, she got detour and i had mine as well.

Advice to Myself

I Don't know what the future holds for me, But i know who holds the past, the present and the future.

I Am beliveing in god for a better version of me.  

A Message to My father - رسالة ألى أبي

منذ مدة طويلة, كنت أخطط وأجلس مع نفسي!! متى سيحل اليوم الذي سأتي فيه أليك لأزورك ولأقبل قبرك. وما أن أتي اليوم الموعود فرحت كثيرا, وكنت أترقب لحظة وصولي أليك ولكن ككل أحلامي ومخططاتي, فهي ما أن أقترب من تحقيقها حتى يأتيني عامل غير متوقع يقلب الأمور رأسا على عقب. لم أستطع أيجاد قبرك من بين الألاف من القبور. المكان تغير منذ أخر مره أتيت أليك!! كأن الدنيا أبتلعت كل البشر وغيرت معالم المكان ونست بأن تأخذني معها لعلي ألتقي بك هناك; ليس تمنيا ولا فاقد الأيمان ولكن في هذه الدنيا من مساؤي والظلم والشر المباح والمستتر بالقدر الذي لا أريد رؤيته أطلاقا.

أتيت لعلي عند قبرك أخذ راحه لم أتهنى بها. أتيتك لأبوح ما بداخل صدري المثقل بالهموم أليك , لتدعو لي في سماء العليين الى الله فأنت الأن أقرب الى الله مني في هذه الحياة الفانية , طالبا منك السلام لجميع أحبتي هناك , خالي الغالي وتلك البنت التي أدعو الله بأن ألتقيت بها وعرفتها, تلك البنت التي ما زال أبنك يعشقها رغم مرور الزمان وتكالب الظروف والمأسي وجميع العوامل الدنيويه الأخرى بحلوها ومرها علي. لكنها بقت بذاكرتي وبقلبي ووجداني. جئت لأخبرها بأني وجدت ضالتي في فتاة بهذه الدنيا ولكنها للأسف ليست قدري. كأني سأعيش حياتي على قسمة غيري ولا أعرف ما هي قسمتي؟! لأخبرها بأني أحببتها ليس بقدر حبي لكِ ربما. ولكن وجدت فيها نفس روحك لأنه أعرف نفسي. لا أحب بسهوله فقلبي حجر في هذه الناحية, ولا أعشق شخصا الأ ليقيني بأن ما في داخله أجمل ما في خارجه وأن كان فائق الجمال فالذي يعشق الجمال أعمى والذي يعشق القلب يراه بلا عيب.

أتيت لأخبرك بعملي الجديد الذي سيبدأ الأسبوع القادم. وكيف لأول مره بحياتي أشعر بأن حياتي أصبحت أكثر انفتاحا وأكثر تفاؤلا بالمستقبل. وكيف لأول مره بحياتي أشعر باني سأخذ التقدير الذي أستحقه جزاء عملي وتعبي على نفسي بفضل الله وفضلك وفضل أمي الغالية. أتيت لأخبرك بما يجول بخاطري من أفكار للمستقبل, هل أتزوج أم لا؟! هل اسافر أو لا؟! هل أضيع تلك الفرصة وتلك الفتاة أو تلك الخطوة التي ستغير حياتي وأقصد تأخيرها بسبب الظروف المحيطة بي أو أنتظر تلك الأشياء لتأتيني مره أخرى بوقتها المناسب. مع يقيني بأن الفرصة لا تأتي مرتين والفتاة التي بنظري نادرة لا تتكرر مرتين والخطوة التي لن تخطوها فقد تعتبر نفسك متخاذل وهي عكس طبيعتي الجريئة وقد اندم عليها. لكن أكثر الأسباب هي يقيني بان جميع فرصي بشتى جوانب الحياة تأتي بوقتها الغير المناسب لي ولا أستطيع عمل شيء سوى الأنتظار لكي تواكب الظروف الفرص التي أتتني وحينها يكون كل ذو حاجه أخذ نصيبه وحالي حال المثل اللي بيقول "تكون في أيدك وتقسم لغيرك".

أردت ملاقتك, أحساس بروحك , بهالتك وبوجودك قربي. أردت أن توصل صوتي ودعائي الى الله الى أحبتي والى خالي ورغدة لعلكم تدعون لي وتشفعون ألي عند الله ولكني رجعت خائبا تائها منهارا لعدم لقياك وقراءة السور والدعاء عندك.

ذهبت لبيت أمام المتقين ومقامه ودعيت لك وذهبت للعباس ولأخيه سيد الشهداء الحسين رضي الله عنهم اجمعين, دعوت لك ودعوت لخالي ودعوة لرغدة بالجنة ولجميع أحبتي ورجوت قبول دعواتي وشفاعه نبي الرحمة والأئمة الصالحين عند الله عساها واصله أليكم في سماء العليين.

رجعت للبيت والحمدلله كلي أمل بحياة جديدة ومستقبل مشرق أن شاء الله وليقيني بأن الله ما يعطل شيئا الأ ليعطيك الأجمل من منطلق الأية التي تقول "وعسى أن تكرهوا شي وهو خير لكم". 

سلام من الدنيا الى جنات الخلد حيث ترقد يا والدي العزيز يا خالي الغالي ويا شمعه حياتي التي أنطفئت بموتك.

أرجو من الله اللقاء القريب بكم وأن كان لعمري زمنا فأرجو شفاعتكم عند الله.

An elegy for dearest father

أبي..

هذا اليوم من 2012 , رحلت عنا وتركت في قلبي فراغ كبير 

أذكر هذا اليوم جيدا وكيف كنت أطرق بابا بعد باب أسأل الناس عن المساعدة.

بخاخ.. أريد بخاخ من عنده بخاخ.

لا أحد, كسر بخاخك يوم أمس والأن أنت بحاجة الى بخاخ

قف أين ذاهب الأ تعلم الوقت الأن, ممنوع التجول 

لكنه أبي لا يهمني أجراءاتكم, أريد بخاخا

ورجعت وشعرت بعجز وقله حيل وخوف وقلق ورعب

لم أجلب البخاخ ولم أجدك في المنزل.

أين أبي قلتها منتظرا جوابا 

قالوا أباك ذهب للمستشفى لعلهم يسعفوه 

هرعت أليك مسرعا بسيارتي لعل قلبي يطمئن, فهناك يوجد ما يمكنه علاجك

ووصلت ونزلت وعيوني شاردة, فأذا بشخص بدلا من أن يطمئنني يصدمني 

أبوك توفى , أبوك مات , أبوك الى رحمه الله

صدمة لم أستوعبها لحظتها ولكنها بمرور الزمن أنهكتني

 دخلت ورأيتك راقدا, مبتسما مطمئنا قانعا 

كأنك قلت للموت تعال أهلا بك ونسيت بأن لك أحباب في الدنيا غير مستعدين للوداع.

في هذه اللحظة غادر من كان يشعل شمعة الأمل 

من غير عودة وبلا أستعداد وبعجل

دنياي كانت حلوة ولكنها بغيابك أصبحت مره لا طعم لها وخوف وجفاء ووجل 

مزقت قلبي ووجداني برحيلك , فكيف لي بلقياك لعل قلبي برؤيتك يندمل

وكيف الصبر على فراقك يا أبتي فما أنا بمعتاد على فراقك ولا مستعد لرحيلك أبدا

كم بلغت وسأبلغ في دنيا حظوة, لكن سيبقي نقص في داخلي يقتلني 

ضياع, وحدة, فراغ ووحشة

خوف ,قلق ,حرمان ورهبة

رحلت فجأة بلا عودة ولكنها مشيئة الرحمن 

تأخذ روحا أليها وتقتل أخرى بدنياها الوعرة

فكيف السبيل الى وصالك ولقياك يا أبتي 

فبغير الموت دعائي له ما ينقطع

فلعلي بموتي أخلص من دنيا موحشة

فيها القتل والجوع والفساد منتشر

فيا رب أرحم أبي وأرحم جميع أحبتي الذين تركوني

فما لي في هذه الدنيا من حبيب ولا أمل

وبارك له مثواه وأسكنه فسيح جناتك 

فمن رباني وأحسن تربيتي لا يجوز له غير الجنة مكانا ومستقرا 

Chapter 6 - June 2015

Half year Past, New Half to live  

• I Feel like i am in my highest peak at work.
• Last month, I was this close to routine and i was desperatley need a break from work.
• I never feel active like in these days.
• Despite that, I Still have Scars from her i have to deal with them Everyday.
• It is a fact that I am not showing any signs of weakness or desperation, no one is sensing them, yet, i am good at hiding them, overcome them and have my life flows perfectly like nothing to worry about. it called mature and life experience.
• Sometimes i look at her smiling, or watch her walking by, what is in her mind ?! does she wonder what is in mine as well?!
• I Helped My cousin in her exams in middle of my busy schedule, finally she will graduate from college. 
• it is like: I Am A person who helps everybody and walks away after mission is accomplished, and now one is helping in return.

Advice to Myself

“The most important thing is to enjoy your life—to be happy—it's all that matters.”  Audrey Hepburn

Chapter 5 - May 2015

Life keeps rolling, my world keeps falling

• The best way to forget something is to distract yourself.

• I was reading inferno for Dan Brown, to be quiet honest, from the beginning it attracts my mind to keep reading, very informative book and quite interesting. Eager to read more from Brown.

• We all have times to feel like we are living in a routine, this is what i feel at work. but even though, it will not break me and keeps me of doing a good job after all.

• It is usually when you have a heart broken from someone, you get away from H/her, in my case, she is been all around in every working day.

• I feel i am not able to control my life, i lost control, feel so tired, it is not like i want to, but i force myself to do things that not necessary to do for others. 

Adivce To Myself

Let your past makes you better not bitter.

Chapter 4 - April 2015

A Person Who hates everyone right now Once loved someone so much. 

• I Lost My smile, my soul and my life after losing her.
• I Am trying to distract my mind: reading books one after another, watching movies from time to time, all gave me a temporary distraction which ends by time i stop reading or watching an interesting book/movie.

• I Am trying to survive at my work, i feel i don't have any aim to proceed further, it is not the work itself but it is me.

Advise to Myself:
To avoid heart broken: Do Nothing, Say Nothing, Be Nothing
nothing is something to others

Chapter 3 - March 2015

You Can lose your pride to the one you love, rather than lose the one you love because of pride

• I Lost her, completely; lost my heart with her.
• It feels like my life is like re-run show, with minor changes on it. And the only thing that varies is that i am older in age, more experience and more disappointment and devastating inside. 

• I was working on something that will make my life better on financial and work aspect; i am waiting for a outcomes of my results, will it be a new hope or another disappointment ?! 

• An Old thought always jumps into my mind and i am starting to accept it: since my childhood, i decided to work on myself, practically and intellectually , always depend on myself to do things that i want to do from simplest things by making breakfast or hard things like take care of myself in all aspects, this all based on facts that i don't want to be dependable on someone and i am master of myself and ready to offer help when needed and preparing myself to live in the end: ALONE.
• Whoever said books are best friend in all time, then i bow for him #almotanabbi

Two sides of one story - صورتين لقصة واحدة

من المواقف الغريبة التي تصادفها بحياتك 

شخصين لكل منهما مشاعر أو أراء متشابهة ولكن متناقضة بنفس الوقت حول شخص/موضوع معين
والسبب حالتكما مع هذا الشخص/الموضوع أو كيف هذا الحدث ممكن يكون أيجابي أو سلبي وقت حدوثه لكِلا الشخصين
والمشكلة...
ما تعرف تأيد لو ترفض.
لأنه بالتأكيد أذا أيدت فالشخص الأخر راح يأخذها بمبدأ تفهم الوضع من قبلك
وأذا رفضت فراح يتفاجيء ويريد يعرف سبب الرفض وعدم تفهمك
خصوصا أذا عرف بأنه بطريقة ما هو جزء من السبب ويمكن أصلا ما يفهمك
 فالأحسن تسكت
لأنه السكوت علامة الرضا
أو بمعنى أخر تخليها على الله لأنه مليوصه من جهتك مو من جهة الشخص الأخر
حتى صورة مناسبة لهاي الحالة ما لكيت 

One of the odd/bizarre situation you may face in your life
two people have same but somehow opposite feeling or opinion about specific person/subject
 and this depends on your current status with that person/subject or how this event  will reflect adversely or favorable once it occurs to both parties
and the problem is...
you don't know if you have to agree or disagree.
Because, if you agree then indeed, the other person will see it as a sign of understanding from you
however, if you didn't , then you have to explain,  he will be surprised and curious to know why ?!
and what it's funny is
you can't say why ?! since this person somehow may be involved in it or may not understand
so, last thing last
it is better to be quiet when you face      
silence implies your consent
or in other meaning, let it go, the headache is yours not H/Hers

I Didn't find a picture to illustrate deeper

Chapter Two - February 2015

Every cloud has a silver lining.

• I am very blessed in the beginning of this month, very busy in the middle , very confused in the end

• Life is shifting direction to positive side in some points, resides in shadows in other points.

• I love books, I need to buy books, at least i can run away to a world of my imagination not like my world.

• Killing people is like a salad to some people, i feel bad if i have doubt of hurting someone feelings even without no intention to do so.

• if you work on yourself , you will get a reward after all.

• I feel like i am loosing her, she is pushing her self away, is it me ?! or what ?! 

Advise to myself 

Be Optimistic after all, what meant to you, will always be to you what meant not to you

well, you will figure out how to make it for you after all.

Chapter One - January 2015

In life

Helping Others is nice 

Helping too much is bad for you ONLY

but I keep doing it for same person, for years

• They Say it's a new year, a new hope , a new plan & a new you, I don't see any.

• I Am tired, confused and exhausted 

• In the beginning of this month , i was wondering what she is doing ?! she is been in recovery since last month and back on 14th, she seems happy of outcome which is great. i was wondering if she thought the same back to me like i did. or not ?!  

Advise to myself

 If a man lives on his past, then he takes out the present and forgets about the future.
if a man ignores the past, he may take out the future and forgets his present.
Keep your past, learn from mistakes and live the present to seed the future like you want it to be.

Moving Backwards..

A Nighty-Conversation Between Me & Myself!

Myself: How’s everything is going with you?!

Me: I don’t know, I feel like I am alone but unique, optimistic but have no clue about future, nothing seems positive on horizon.

Myself: you have all potential to be a successful person as you are right now! Why to worry?!

Me: I have to admit that I worked hard for myself but looking to my current status: finically and socially, I Believe that I am not successful at all.

Myself: but you get a good job and your life is stable, you’ve been proven yourself as a successful person and will have results soon

Me: it is not about getting results, I feel like that despite everything I worked on, I still circling in same spot, whenever I achieve something, level up my life, I had unexpected issue that ruin everything to me and take out the blood from my veins, have me returned to first place like a fresh graduate student that will start his career.

Myself: what do you mean exactly?!

Me: it means that I wasted time in my life doing everything but have results of person doing nothing.

Myself: oh, I got you. But at least you get experience, which will boast your life.

Me: Okay, I believe you don’t get me right.

Myself: oh dear, you are overreacting things, life is not colorful after all there’s ups and downs with it and you have to deal with it.

Me: I Am fully understand definition of life, but does that means that working hard rewards nothing.

Myself: you have to keep trying, life is unfair sometimes.

Me: it is unfair as a fact, sometimes you need luck to progress, but I don’t thing that unfair will keep rolling back in your area. There should be time to be fair with you.

Myself: and you have to wait to that moment.

Me: you still didn’t get me, I’ve been stepped back many times and say it is okay and start moving forward again and again but then life spank me back to zero.

Myself: okay

Me: the only difference is that time moving on.
Myself: so what?!

Me: time passing and I am rounding on same place, you make calculation.

Myself: so, you mean you waste energy and time for nothing.
Me: exactly.

Myself: you have to let things go and work according to factor you have currently.

Me: This is the point, I have to let go things that supposed to be done earlier on beginning and was in middle of road of doing it and but then returned back to zero like nothing done.

Myself: and what’s the problem with that?!

Me: I am long term planner, now I have to get short term planning.

Myself: Right, SO!!

Me: During long term planning, you set goals and steps to progress your life, put some possibilities or flexibility for each step in order to overcome step downs, each step have its’ time to achieve to move to next step and so on.

Myself: and

Me: I finish step 1 which took me for example one year, and while working 2 then have unexpected event returns me back to zero and go on go on, time passes, then have to let go some things, because you realize that you are late.

Myself: and where’s problem with that?! It is a right decision.

Me: Looking to all your efforts and how you worked hard on yourself, comparing to others same age or same time: Less than you, but way better than you.

Myself: don’t compare yourself with others, this is unfair to you.

Me: I am comparing to show how failure I am,
I have my friends for example, they look at me as something special, because I really working hard on myself, but comparing to them, they look more stable than me.

Myself: you are not a failure, life didn’t work well for you.

Me: even though, I feel like I Am a failure despite everything.

Myself: since you worked hard for yourself then why to worry about being failure or successful, you will be successful after all.

Me: problem is not about being successful or not, problem is about time passing and you are reaching step 4 or 5 according to your plans, which is totally depends on first steps.

Myself: you feeling retired, a way back from you goals but older.

Me: exactly, when you reach a point in your life that you have to make critical decision: like marriage or start small business, these things need basement, the stronger the basement the higher confidence you will be to get into it.

Myself: these things can be wait.

Me: Life sometimes offers you an opportunity, you have to grab it but in my case.
I want to grab it but you can't because something pull you down.
It is like you want to step up but some unfinished business interrupts You and you have two Options:

• Either go and finish that thing that pulls down but you can't guarantee you will find that opportunity you want.
• Or grab it and expect unpleasant ending because logically you are not good enough.

Myself: if it is important and you want then you have to work hard even If it takes time.

Me: some things can be delayed, some can't.

it is like you have a rare chance and you are hesitate to grab or wait, but can't be sure that this chance will have it again, so you have to manipulate according to new factors, deleting some things, accelerate time to build up strong basement but again life is not helping.

Myself: you keep talking about time and age.

Me: it is as important factor.

Myself: no, it is not!

Me: when you have laws that protect you, support you then it is not a factor but when you lacks both then you have to work hard to achieve your things, time passes, life turns table on you, start again with time passes and again life will do its’ magical way to turn it again and return to beginning, then yeah time matters.

Myself: I Am Confused.

Me: tell me about it.

Myself: I believe I get your point, but don’t you believe in fate and if that thing meant for you then it will be for you.

Me: I believe in fate, but do you have any idea about your future?! Do you know what is for you and what is not?! Did god inform you that if you want something there's two options: you have to work for it or sit down and do nothing, in either way you will get that thing!

Myself: you are right. In order to achieve something you have to work for it and sometimes more than once.

If you get it then it is for you, if it is not then it is not meant to be.

Me: exactly, and this is what I am worrying about, I have a chance and need to work on it, my heart tells me to progress on it while my mind wants to stop as I am not ready.

Myself: typical heart and mind battle.

Me: yes and this thing is killing me inside, especially when that thing can’t be delayed and you may have one chance to grab, otherwise, you may lose it forever and feeling of regret will be hard to handle.

Myself: I have to admit that you have to make big decisions and time is limited.

Me: exactly, time and factors surrounding me is not helping but I will try to work accordingly and maybe I will get what I deserved.

Myself: I will go to sleep now, it is getting late and you have to wake up early tomorrow.
Me: A new day, full of hope and believe.

Myself: as always, I was very blessed to talk with you.

Me: Me too, we will talk another night.

Myself: Sure we will!
Me: nighty-night myself

Myself: Nighty and sweet dreams, Keep on faith

Me: as always