Late Night thoughts - Childhood & Adulthood dilemma

When I was child. I always dreamed of getting older, have my own money, my own freedom, buy what I like, and go whenever I want. No Boundaries! I always looked to my father as an Idol person to follow and my mother as an example of a devotion loving person. Time passes and here I'm, tirelessly chasing time. I have grown up fast, and in the course of time, I've seen the world in other perspective than before. From colorful, innocent, and vibrant colors, to much darker, cruel, and Black & white. I realized that freedom is relative and adjusted with my ethical standards mainly and many surrounding factors. Financial independency does not come only with spending but also by making wise decision on how to spend, save and invest. And most importantly be the idol the others will look to as an example. 

Pin Interest - Giovanni Disisto - Transition from Childhood to Adulthood

I used to make mistakes when I was a child. No one got hurt from what I've done or said, even if do, I'm forgiven. I was the hero to my parents despite all. Now I wonder, what If I do the wrong thing to people, and we thought we try to do the right thing? and turned out it will hurt people. I'm not the hero here. Sometimes, I have to accept that I'm a good person in someone eyes and bad for others. I never had intention to hurt somebody on purpose, but it happens. Even if time sometime make my point right but still.  Mistakes happen, even if it is not a mistake, but how different people perceive them may define them.  

I used to worry a lot when I was a child. Like, will I be able to score a goal, or pass the exam. Or maybe master this game. And if I fail, I know deep down that I'm enough to my parents, my friends, and myself. Now, I worry much less, as I'm much wiser than before. However, my worry hits much deeper, and then it come to my mind, Am I good enough? For me? For her? For Anyone? 

I used to have my life decided by others, My parents in particular. What to do, eat, wear, time to play or sleep, school, hobbies, etc. Now, I have to make decisions by my own, suffer the consequences whether good or bad. And in each decision, I will learn a lesson. Is it worth? Why did I do this? or the scariest question, What If?

When I was child, life is perfect. When I grow up, I realized it isn't. Yet! Why do we want everything to be perfect? Your life, love, work. Even if you make them perfect or they are already, the only one thing will not be perfect, is the death of loved ones. I was always scared from the idea of losing someone. I couldn't imagine it, but it happened, I lost her, I lost my father, I lost family members. It is not only rounded to death; it is more than this. the presence of someone, the loss of shared feelings, passions, and the unique connection we had with them. All lost! I learned to accept it eventually. But still, the feeling of griefless is the most difficult to deal with. Yet you have to accept it as an adult, and you never understand it while you were a child. As an adult, I realized that even death has a perfect timing when it comes to take someone's soul. I believe that from that person perspective, the timing is perfect after all. 

Childhood is heaven so does adulthood. The transition from childhood to adulthood is a profound journey, marked by a series of revelations and adjustments.

We learn a lot of about living and growing up, dream about it a lot when we were children. But did not think about what it means to be old? Yes! I sometimes feel I'm late in something and fighting myself for it. I used to look to things in one perspective and now in another and it keep changing ideas, believes like a flowing river. I used to have much energy to do many things, now, I'm with less energy and enthusiastic than before. We used as children to say, "we couldn't wait to get older" without realizing what meant to be old. And here I'm. I miss my childhood times. 

It is fascinating to see things around you getting old, I mean, if we talk about universe, places, books, everything. Is fascinating. When it comes to human being, it is never been the same, I mean we were pure as children, young and beautiful with lot of imagination and innocence, full of energy, full of love. Then, you get older, have wrinkles, have traumas, have cracks and pains. Everything you love and desire will disappear, dies, everything ends, and you have to see it and accept it. 

Despite that, I think it is not childhood vs. adulthood preference issue. Each phase in our life, has its own beauty; we tend to look to things we want to have or used to have. Instead of living the moment. As a child, I worried a lot but took actions toward them. So why we don't we do the same now. We may feel we are late into something. You never know your time if you compare someone's G-stage to your B-Stage.  Life isn't perfect in all stages, just because you have much awareness now, doesn't mean that as a child you did not think the same. You have one life, embrace it. Live it wisely to the fullest, don't spend time worrying, questioning, or running after people who don't value you. Accept yourself for who you are and learn from mistakes. As long as you have a good intention, you will be rewarded one day. Now or then, it only takes from you to be commitment and believe. 

The God says in his holy book Quran "Allah (God) does not burden any soul beyond what it can bear" 2-286. 

Give value to every single second of your life. 

And life goes on. 

- A Message to Future Self -

 

"I don't know if this will be a great moment or this will make it worse for you to remember this, but I hope you will read the message and the smile on your face."

Dear Future Self,

If you see this message again in a few years, and you are still alive, I want to congratulate you on not giving up on yourself. For hanging in there just a little bit longer... For sticking it out & staying upright in the face of all the setbacks. To deal with your inner demons... Despite the fact that you were sometimes depressed, but you are always a joyful person...For hoping that the people in your life will soon recognize your worth... I'm relieved you've moved on. I'm glad you've learned from your past, and it does not put weighs on you. I'm glad you're pleased. I'm glad you've found happiness. I'm glad that you are moving on with your business, I'm glad you are happy with your life, in a way that you can not wait to wake from the bed to start your day. I'm glad you've found your shining star, someone who loves you now,  I'm curious to know who she is...Thank you for allowing yourself to be who you are. .  I'm so thankful that you didn't forget me, you keep your personality and principles the same. I adore you.

Written on July 11, 2021, at 10:30 pm 

A meeting with younger me

I've always wondered. If by any chance, I would see myself. The younger self, the one who has my features. Looking straight to my eyes, to my core. What would he say about me? How would I see him? you will often tell him about all the pitfalls and mistakes that he must avoid, lapses that led to disasters, personality traits that led you to the loss of people you loved. Sincerely and later missed them bitterly.

I will see my younger self as a pure version of me, more energetic, lively, full of dreams, and has that spark in his eye. Very curious and spontaneous. He is still at the beginning of life's journey. he never encounters the feeling of being heartbroken, nor expressing failure, or have self-doubts. He is enjoying his independency, he has the passion to read and learn about anything, and everything. His ultimate goal is to understand himself, and the people. He wants to be in control of his life and decisions. All people are good as he is? Or that's what he thinks they are. 

Listen! let me flash it up things to you. This is how the dreams were broken? And remember this moment, it is when I had my first love, and this is how I lost it. This when I had my first disappointment, and this is the second, third. You will grow up with those people, some, who you will dedicate time and care about a lot, one in particular will give you your biggest disappointment, you will know who exactly. Look, at this moment, you say to yourself: okay! let me try to love. Boom! life plans were different. You start doubting, over and over again.  And this is when you feel life smiles again at work, you think you finally have a clear path of what you want to do. However, it comes with bigger responsibility, you keep growing financially, and improve yourself. But you still feel life dragging you to first place, and rotating at the same spot, your life is not stable, and time passes by. Look, I'm older now, and some things are not done as planned. See, how ambition beings to fade gradually.  My younger me, life has taught me a lot, in a hard way. I have shifted my direction many times to meet the ever-changing situation. I had to adapt to these changes, sometimes willingly and sometimes against my will. See how people now are less connected than before. Faking life, personality over what called social media. Wrong act is acceptable now, and right one is odd. Childhood is ruined, people lost morals. Everyone has secrets now. Even the little child, by age but adults by acts. You start losing trust to people, and gradually, feel lonely and foreign to your society. 

I didn't mean to disappoint you, but this is me. I'm shy in person, and still I'm. Pure inside, and still I'm. I was ignorant to the law of life, human nature, and fluctuation of circumstances. You will grow up from the fact that you are fragile like glass inside to a solid like rock. I become wiser, calmer, and more cautious in doing things. I matured enough to overcome scars, too many scars actually.

YouTube: Hamza Namira - Dari Ya Allby

 It will be -without doubt- an honest, frank self-confrontation, without compliments or self-polishing. We may -at time- lie to ourselves at some moment and deceive the reality. But, at this meeting, you will speak it out, black and white. Even it is harsh and bitter.  You can't bend the events, nor fake the acts after all. 

Do I regret something? Yes. Did I make mistakes? Sure! Did I disappoint someone? Unfortunately, yes! But all these things shaped who I'm now. It is because of you - my younger me - your principles, your heart, and your passion over things and people. I learned with each failure, I would stand up and fight. Actually, you taught me that each failure is a lesson learned. It is because of you, I realized that the fever of seeking knowledge and writing would not have infected me, it made me unbreakable, have confident, helping me express myself, my feelings and thoughts. And with each disappointment and its huge fractures to my soul, you taught me that only faith, devotion to work, love yourself, and people you care about, will protect me from the evils of the world.

And life goes on...

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Today, November 21, is my birthday. 

In fact, I'm not sure what to write? And How to express my feelings? 

I can't say I'm more excited or more indifferent. I'm not sure If I'm interested in my future, and how I may meet my expectations at the personal or professional level for the new year, or If I don't care anymore about anything.

I always wonder when my time will come? when my moment will be? What moment?! My dreams and my Passion & goals. I stopped worrying about anything. I don't know what the future holds for me? I can see and feel how my mind shifted from someone who is ambitious to someone who is careless. 

This year and last year were very stressful ones. I believe that I have my biggest disappointment ever during this time. I've seen myself losing control, I've seen myself feeling empty inside, other times feeling left over. My passion to improve myself and motivation was at the lowest level possible. Yet, I survived, but with heavy costs, and a lot of burdens over my back. 

I had to make some decisions against my will, I encountered some feelings, that were not expected, and also was so powerful that I try to test and deny them but failed. Mixed of love, hate, envy, loss, desperate, and content. 

I have heard harsh words from my dearest and the closest person to me. I've noticed how people may change over time. They say words are so powerful and can hurt a lot. Yes! I have examples. 

Each year, I grow up old. Chasing tirelessly the time. I've become more thoughtful, more worried, more vulnerable over simple things. As time pass, I'm getting more into feeling that I'm old to others, and misunderstood. I'm losing my confidence at some point. I always feel like I'm missing something but can't tell what exactly, is it a person or a thing? Not quite sure.

It may seem that I'm over doubt about what the future holds, and this can be justified over things that I encountered. But still, I believe in god, and that I still have time to do what I want, and have my moment. I strongly believe.

And life goes on...

The fine line between love and dreams

Years ago! I was introduced to a movie called "La La land", it is a musical, comedy, romantic movie. I really enjoyed the movie (If you've never seen the movie, don't read this line) Mainly it talks about two-person, who both are passionately in love. However, they didn't end up together because, each one has a dream, and instead of being selfless and work together in the relationship, they act like a selfish person, who prefer h/her needs over being together.

So the movie had this question in my head and starts wrapping up over again. Is being selfish in love is a good thing? particularly in the early stage. You put your needs first over the other person dreams and goals in the term of relationship responsibilities and have her dreams and goals diminished.

This same selfish person, who always encourages people to chase their dreams, builds their personality first, is the same person, who - at this moment - is trying to do the opposite now! just because he feels that he needs to do it. Is it a hypocrite?

For example, A girl with an ambition to pursue her studies abroad falls in love with you, who -from the Otherside- do realize that continuing this relationship will be more likely end up her dreams. Still, you intend to continue per your need to be in a relationship and the possibility that you will not be able to support or fulfill her dreams.

You may say find a person who you both have the same dream, it is not working that way actually all the time. I mean, sometimes the difference between both is what sparks the relationship. 

When someone falls in love, it becomes superior to other things. It will shift your priorities, but still, at a certain point in life, you will think about the dreams you left. Do you regret your choice of love then? Does the other person feel guilty? 

I don't mean to be in a toxic relationship, that benefits me over the other. I feel that if I become more selfless, and want to support her. I would let her complete her dreams and goals, even though this means that I will lose her. I believe - as a caring person - should inform her of both scenarios.

I also believe that a healthy relationship is that one that has both love and dreams aligned together, you both play all the cards any way possible, hoping that both cards will become closer than ever. It is easy to say it but hard to adapt it at the end.

Anf life goes on...

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It always amazes me how? of a sudden, you know a girl, who you put all your time, effort, to make them feel secure and loved. Listening to her daily problems, her unstable feelings, trying hard to confront her, encourage her, motivate her. Then in a moment, some random guy comes around, and holla, you are in the back door. Hello, Where are you? I miss you. I feel you are not the same as before, then hear the same answer all the time "I'm busy", she said. 

I don't understand why being good will not give any value to girls. Being there whenever needed is worthless. Treat her with love and respect is not admirable. Being good will put you in the last, you will option number 2, 3, 4, or maybe not an option at all! 

She simply thinks that you are available all the time, and easy to get, but she never knows what's going on from the guy's perspective. During this time of being neglected and not valued, he will suffer a lot, especially if he really loves the girl or care a lot about her. He will wake, eat, drink, go out, do various things, sleep. And within all these actions, she's in his mind. Wondering why? Slow replies, not showing interest like before. What did he do wrong? You have done nothing wrong except treating her like a queen, while she starts treating you like some random guy passed by. 

Then after a long time... She is heartbroken, or made her decision and regrets it. She's approaching you again, see you like her superhero, telling you how you were to her. How many times you stood beside her, how your hand was the only one, which helped her survive and lift up from the deep down of the sorrow. 

For any girl, you need to understand this, during this time, guys never stopped loving you, never stopped thinking about you, But, they -at a certain time - realized it is better to stop investing time and energy in you. They do realize that you don't have any excuse. if they ask you why you are not texting me anymore, and you have a shallow excuse, they know that you have your phone all the time, and simply if you show interest, it takes a few seconds to say Hi!.. Then they start the -No Contact rule - and see. nothing changes like she's saying "You are nothing to me", it breaks the guys' hearts a lot... But time will heal.

Youtube: The Airborne Toxic Even - Sometimes around midnight

So, when you decide to come back, they do care... it is as simple as this: "If you truly care about someone, the mind will tell you no but the heart still". However, at this stage, their mind will overcome whatever heart willing to do. The weaker the mind dominate is, the more the struggle will have. He will be very cautious, not with you, but with any other girl. He may be more hesitant to get into a relationship. He will remember how you mistreated him the way you should do, and think. It is like a business that never closed. Know the fact he lost interest like before is really hard for him to handle. I'm not sure how to describe it, but simply ruin his life over again, especially when he moved on or was in the middle of getting into a relationship.

Please do not make the guy fall deep to you. If you don't like them, simply inform them and walk away, if you do, and he's there for you, treating you with love and respect, Do not let him go. Because if you do, you might regret it all of your life. 

Youtube: Mohammed Assaf - Mraytak (Your mirror)

And life goes on...

The Power of time!

What's time?

Time is "what's the clock measures", "what prevents everything to happening at once", A certain period, which something is done" All these definitions quoted by scientists, many similar definitions give the exact idea. In a more specific way, it is our four dimensions, in which events are labeled as past, present, and future based on time, and how long a specific event can be done. 

Time is fascinating, I mean, have you ever wonder, how we sometimes feel time slowing or moving fast depends on each situation, but still, it is the same period, how and why? Never Know the exact reason, but still we feel like it. 

I always look at the value of time with respect. I'm a person who tends to be turned on over small simple things especially when time is involved. Like a simple handmade present, which I value more than very expensive or stereotype gifts; because this present was made with love, and time was dedicated to working on it. 

I tend to value that small side talk that has a relation with time, when you said that life will not change me, and I'm who I'm now, and later,

I value the time that spends wisely on improving myself personally and professionally. I value someone who would say "I will hold everything and have time with you, listening to whatever you have to say or express."

I value the moment, the look, the scene, these when time slows down. 

It is amazing how time can change everything. Can wipe your tears, can stress you out from your problems. Can make something very important now, looks so inferior and almost forgotten later. 

Dalida - Avec Le Temps (English/Arabic Sub)

For me, Time is life! but in a more specific way. I mean, Life is a general term, that defines what we are going through with all surroundings, and how these surroundings (People, Events, Things) have contributed to shaping our status in the past, present, and the future, while time is more specific. I always think of time as time with a person, time over a thing. 

To be more clear, time with a person, you will think about your time with this person only, regardless of surroundings, you will think of your story with this person, encounter joys and sadness you faced, notice the changes been happening, and remember the moments, the saying, and the act. How the promises were broken? or kept. Like time-lapse photography, taking a series of pictures of the same scene over time, the camera still standstill, but you will notice how the scene is changing over time, neglecting the surroundings or events that led to this change, only you and how your eyes see the scene.

                                                      Youtube: Portrait of Lotte: 0 to 20 years 

Time is irreversible, use it wisely. Know what to say and do? when to say and do? and when to stop. If you value the time that much, you value the small thigns, you will care about actions and says, and once you do that, time will not change you but improves you more to be a better person. And life continues..

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I've been in this position where I don't express myself correctly, and whatever I'm going through resides inside of me, and it's difficult for me to articulate it. Inside, there are too many ideas, feelings, and confusion. A series of unfortunate events in my personal and professional lives collided, absorbing my energy, passion, and desire to improve. 

People may see this as an attempt to justify someone who has failed by making excuses. I have no fear of falling! I'm going to stand up again. I'm not worried if my efforts don't yield the results I hoped for. I'll learn to meet and exceed expectations. I don't care what kind of action I'm doing or how others see it as long as I've set my mind to it. 

The core issue of my status is being disappointed (let down). This feeling -in addition to being helpless- is the worst feeling that I will face in life. When this happens, I feel numb, losing my enthusiasm, nothing matters to me. My mind will be on fire, my heart is drowning. I will have many fights, many conflicts, and many feeling disorders. Like a flaming fire stove, left alone in the house, away from everyone. My soul will be far away from me.

                                              And nothing makes us more silent .. than disappointment 

                                                     

At a personal level, I'm being disappointed in someone, who really I love and care about the most. It is very hard to deal with this feeling. Especially when they surprise you with an act or behavior that you would not dare to expect to come from them. When feeling neglected, and thrown away as easy as cracking your fingers. When everything you've done is worth nothing. Not the first time in life, but from that special person. 

What hurts more, is the act of being defensive and denial when confessing about these actions or behaviors. It really hurt me more, when you underestimating my feeling when I have doubts about my value to you. You don't know how I will suffocate when I try to say something then stop, pretend like I don't care but I do! when loss the eagerness to admonition. It is not the conflicts that we face that are the problems, but it is the accumulation of disappointing actions that you keep sending my way, that slowly killing me inside.

I also think that even if you do a great job at work, there's a certain situation when you will meet a person, who's climbing over the shoulder, or a supervisor, who does not listen to employees and shows an act of favoritism. When things not going on as it expected or at least, as it should be.  All together, may have an impact, and eventually, will lead to losing motivation to work, or improve. 

I'm isolating myself from others, I specifically expanding the gap between me and that person, Am I? How do you tell if someone is telling you the value you the same as before, but their actions don't. I really want to be that, really!  I'm here from you! You know that for years, but I don't know from your side for now. With all this, I'm afraid of another disappointment, especially from you. It is amazing how time changes people.

Whoever will read this, If you or some mysterious person. I don't know what to do, but I will survive; the time will wipe away everything, but scars remain.

 I lost a lot at the personal and work levels that I can not undo. I underestimate myself, and the consequences of what happened especially at work are something that was partially my fault, but now, somehow, suffering the result of my losing passion.

You are the light in my life, not recently but long years ago. It is you who I've always seen as a hope of something shining in my life, after one disappointment to another, It's not the action or behavior you have done that makes me sad & disappointed, more than neglecting the fact that you know I was hurt, that I expressed my thoughts, and what disappoints me about you is that you took a step back by lying and denying. That, after all, is how I feel when I'm left alone.

    

Male Masculine Archetype Test - Personality test results

The male mascular archetype test consists of a series of questions about your personality, values, and behaviors, and then categorize you into one of several archetypes. Its not scientifically proven and does not define or identify a person. More than it categorize men based on pattern or bahviours, which are categorized to four mains traits: King, Lover, Warrior, and a Magician.

I've been introduced to this topic recently. And as someone who's curious and love to discover. I've taken the tests from several sources out of fun and curiousity. In this blog, I will share a result of one test that was based on a book by Robert Moore and Douglas Gillitte. And it did not differ from other results dramatically, more than its based on known sources that you can look after. SO HERE WE GO

King 80%

Core Qualities: The King archetype represents the wise and benevolent leader who is able to make hard decisions when needed, for the better good. Think of a king who guides with fairness, wisdom and a strong sense of responsibility.

Shadow/Immature Aspects: The immature King might display behavior of seeking control for the sake of power, rather than taking on the weight of responsibility. Alternatively there may be indecisiveness or an unwillingness to be accountable.

Mature Aspects: A mature King is a compassionate leader who offers guidance, support and promotes an environment where others can thrive, while being firm and assertive if needed.

Warrior 70%

Core Qualities: The Warrior archetype embodies strength, bravery and a clear sense of purpose. Imagine a soldier ready to defend and protect who is aware of his abilities and does not use his force to abuse others.

Shadow/Immature Aspects: An immature Warrior may channel aggression resorting to destructive violence and abuse, or becoming excessively competitive. Conversely there may also be a lack of courage, or a tendency to avoid conflict.

Mature Aspects: A mature Warrior is disciplined, resilient and fights for justice. This archetype encourages healthy competition, courage in confronting life’s hardships and challenges, and a commitment to protecting others.

Magician 75%

Core Qualities: The Magician archetype is associated with wisdom, intuition, and the ability to facilitate transformative change. Imagine a wise mentor who uses his natural talents, skills and knowledge to guide others through the mysteries of life.

Shadow/Immature Aspects: An inexperienced Magician could misuse their abilities and knowledge for personal gain, resorting to manipulation or deception. On the opposite side, there might be a fear of change or a reluctance to embrace one’s potential for transformation.

Mature Aspects: A seasoned Magician uses his power, wisdom and intuition for transformation. This archetype promotes wisdom, self-awareness and empathy towards oneself and others, fostering growth and facilitating positive change.

Lover 75%

Core Qualities: The Lover archetype embodies passion, connection and deep emotional engagement. Think of someone who brings intensity and joy into relationships.

Shadow/Immature Aspects: An immature Lover may struggle with unhealthy attachment, displaying too much possessiveness or superficial connection on the opposite end - there may be a fear of intimacy or an inability to fully engage with his present reality.

Mature Aspects: A mature Lover cultivates authentic, meaningful connections with others. In its fullest expression, this archetype encourages deep and intimate relating, and an authentic embrace of all that life offers, including it’s pain and adversity.

And life goes on..

Ethical Dilemma: Man Vs. Earth

One of the biggest and controversial question to be asked is about the conflict between overpopulation versus overconsumption (the limitation of supply resources) & environmental challenges. Would you rather get rid of half of humanity to save the human future generation form extinct due to starvation, lack of resources and habitability of the planet? This is an ethical question and hard to respond to. Either way, it will be hard to apply the best method. 

This kind of question is causing an ethical dilemma! It makes you think through the consequences of the action, and have in consideration whether its morally accepted if applied. 

Dan Brown's book "Inferno" was asking the same question. The villain (Or you may say the good character" in this story is a mad scientist, who wants to spread "Infect" a virus to kill as many people as this infection would. So that the earth will be saved, and its resources will be enough to those who recovered from the infection. The book itself is remarkable and catches the history of the places combined with real-life facts and knowledge. It provides the information to you in a very simple and enjoyable to read way. 

Through History, the earth had 5 major mass extinctions. Many Natural disasters. The earth stood still and recovered, and the human race was recovering as well. However, these natural disasters were made obviously by nature, we can say it is a god's plan. 

However, when it comes from a human act. Wars like: World War I & II, Mangoul conquests, French Civil war, and many more through history. Animal Viruses Transmitted to Humans like Plaque and Spanish Flu for example. Even the most recent Corona Virus (Covid-19). Modern Technology and it is effects on nature. How we can determine if these are good to have for a better future to the next generations and the planet as well. 

© Getty Images; Photo illustration: Javier Zarracina/Vox

Cities like London and New York. They both had a great fire in separate times. Tokyo and Berlin were both destroyed entirely during World War II. All these cities had their chance and recover to become more powerful and stronger due to these incidents. They had the technology, population, and ego reached the highest peak. Millions of people were wiped out during these events. If these events didn't happen, what would be like for those cities? Do you think it will be a better place? Or it was worth losing all those lives? For the sake of Humanity and the planet.

The global economic system will have a recession. If the countries didn't apply a temporary total shutdown and curfew to contain the virus, then they will increase the number of infected people, and death toll as well. But it will save the economy. If we reverse the formula, we will save people but will have some countries fall down due to economic crises, middle and lower classes people will suffer, and normalizing things may need time to recover. So, the question: Is it ethical to sacrifice part of your population to save the rest? Or Should all suffer the consequences and country instability?

Most recent reports and images about covid-19 and Air pollution show clearly how the earth is recovering from climate change made by humans. Climate change issues are a global problem that has not been actively addressed and taken seriously by humans. Yet, it is a serious problem that may impact the lives of all living species in the near future. This positive change is temporary and causes by having the human activities reduced to its minimum capabilities, especially in places with most affected with the virus. Do you feel happy to hear such news? having in mind many people lost their lives, jobs and way of a decent living.

It is very hard to answer this question? As both have the right and wrong answer. I believe it is not the right question to ask. I believe that human nature by itself is the problem to humanity and earth! 

Narcissism, Polarization, and inequity are the big issues that need to be resolved. Narcissism with all technology and development being made, expansion of cities, Plastic waste or even sex and birth of a new child without taking any consideration or actions to study their effects on the environment and the public interest. Polarization in having some countries control others by means of war, money or even influence, without having in consideration to the people's lives and land. Inequity in jobs, resources used, money and even social equity. The list of human contributions and their negative consequences are many. 

The earth has all the resources needed if used wisely. Humans need to stand together through crises. Legalize laws to protect the environment, Birth control, and social equity. Put these in action.  

It would be okay to have nature do her job to balance the population with the resources, but I would not accept human interference to make the problem bigger than it should be. Reaching the point to ask such a controversial question.

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I've been recently having hardships in my life: Personally and at work.

Mainly these things are not due to my actions more than actions from the surrounded people or events, affecting my way of looking to life, and my future.

I feel like these things happen as a pattern; repeated over and over again.

Every time I'm trying to do something or think positively, I face something which holds me back.

Personally, I'm now worried about my mom's health, my future, feeling confused about how to deal with things.

Plus, I'm being pushed recently, to make a certain decision in regards to my future life.

This is mainly done by my family "Brothers, sisters-in-law" and sometimes by friends.

I may say it is not a new one. But I don't know why I always fight back, or take a laugh and say nothing.

I still have this set of mind of hesitating to do this, in the same way, I'm welcoming this.

I have this friend, who usually I have a deep conversation within everything, have many mutual interests. He once said: "it is not that you don't accept the idea more than your sub-conscious is refusing it for some reason, it is like you have an incomplete business! and you think you are not ready until you've done with this business" 

That really trigged me, I remember my mind was storming all night thinking.

Why would my sub-conscious refuse? Did he just say it? At some point, he's right, at another perspective, he is not. Maybe, I simply feel I'm not ready for the next step, have enough courage to go higher or able to take the responsibility or look brightly to the future. Not about this only, but I might be afraid of many things.

I also have some concerns about my work, my future. it is mainly about having self-confidence.

It is the first time in my life that I feel like I'm not good enough to perform a certain job 

I remember  a quote from an Arabic psychological book I read "الخروج من النص" which meant something to me when reading it, I will try to summarize it

"Be yourself, don't be someone who they want you to be! Don't let people used you and build their personal dreams over you. Be yourself, fight back, build value for yourself. You are on a journey of back and forth. Accept yourself for who you are and move forward."

Well, I can understand every single word of this, and I already have this set of mind.

But sometimes, I've been feeling down! I'm being misunderstood. Being Judged by surface.

People like the salad, good and bad ingredients chopped and mixed together. This mixed combination forms a good salad, not too sweet, not too sour. Balanced! But I'm the kind of person who tries to remove the bad things.

Lectures about "Don't let people took advantage of you, Read Between the Lines, Be wicked, You are being misunderstood of your intention" is overly jumping to my ear.  

I'm not sure how to deal with this. Is it a weakness that I need to work on? Or just wait and see how Karma will clear things up.

I feel If I don't change, I will not be ready for the next step.

At the same time, I feel that being that wicked, make assumptions on others, play dirty to misleading people is something beyond my ethics.

This leads me back to the question:
Is it my sub-conscious trying to say something? I will not have the confidence to go higher unless I do what I suppose to do: Being wicked, throwback a hit and read between the lines.

Or maybe this is a quieting person talk. Imaging things! And put an excuse of not being ready for the next step, enough courage to go higher or able to take the responsibility!

I'm a daring person, welcome any challenges that I face, an adventurous in nature, and most importantly, I have faith. And will overcome this to better me. I know my mind, situation trying to push me back. But I will do my best in everything.

And life continues...

  

ما زلت أذكرها

ما زلت اذكرها

برغم مرور السنين والاشهر والايام

ما زلت أذكرها

عطرها، شعرها، عينيها وضحكتها

ما زلت أذكرها

كيف إنساها وهي في القلب نبض وللروح غذاء وللحب أه

ما زلت أذكرها

لا أدري هل هو قدري أم هو وهم عابر 

ما زلت إذكرها

 رحمك الله، تركت روحا هائمة بدون عنوان مليئة بالخذلان

ما زلت أذكرها وما زلت وزلت..

فما هو المصير.. أن لم يكتب لهذا الحب نهاية سوى الشوق والحزن والحرمان.

The Philosophy of the stars & love

Why I love the Stars? Why I consider the stars as a symbol of happiness, love & hope for me.

The love of stars has an old story, when I was around 10 years old, my father used to teach me & my brothers about the stars & the name of each, by the time, I started to know shape of group stars & names of common stars, for where I started to admire the stars as a sign of inspiration & happiness to me.

The Night is dark, Quiet & loneliness; this combination summarize our life. We don’t have a full control of our life, we can’t foresee the future; its dark for us.

We at times, suffer of being disappointed & Sad or being satisfied & happy. We at times, feel so alone despite having everything, the life is a scary thing in which we have to work hard to get what we want, yet, we can’t have everything we love.

 The Sky represents our life; It's expand beyond our sight just like the things we dream about and it has endless edge just like our ambition, the dark represents the unknown future, the disappointments & loneliness. The only thing that makes alive is being loved by the people around you. The stars are the people, the ones who lighten up your life when it is so dark & quiet; encourages you to survive. one star may represent your parents, other is your partner, your friend, your pet. The most shining star is the one you love the most.

The stars also are far away from US, the sun is the nearest star to us but no, the night stars are more valuable to me; the Sun lights reach us around 8 mins, while the stars are far away from US. This represents the idea no matter how far are your loved ones, alive or dead. Their lights will be always guide you & encourages you to be strong & alive. It also indicated that with determination & hope, you will reach the end of the dark tunnel into the bright openings.

The love for anything should have a reason, this is a perfect equation & the root to solve any problem, you have to justify your love & hate for someone/something, and otherwise, you may not be able to solve any problem you may encounter or confess someone about how you feel about something.

In a relationship for example, you can’t naturally love someone for granted, you may admire the person loyalty, caring & passion, by the time, when you start getting away from this person, you may identify which things you were in love with at the beginning & you can’t find now. You may then tell this person that I loved you because you were a caring person and now you are not, you used be someone & now not. Or, when you have something you don’t love, you may sincere say that I hate this act or behavior from you.

 

I love the night & gazing the stars, I like walking in the night below the stars, and I like to sit in a chair or walk with someone I love, talking about life, love & the future or even being quiet at the night with a sky full of stars. I love the night stars. This kind of love will never fade away.

The Hard lesson of love.

In our dream life & in the process of growing up, we desire to have things that normally everyone will desire, or think they do. We desire to be wealthy, successful, healthy & loved. We working hard to get things done, chase our dreams to reach the ultimate goal & our soul to trace the significant other, the one that completes the other part of the circle of our life.

When it comes to reality, We will realize that not all we want will happen, no matter what we try or how much effort we put in it, it won’t. As simple as that. There are things we don’t want it to happen but yet need to accept them, things we don’t want to know or face but yet need to learn a lesson from them, there’s that one we thought H/She will never leave & we will not able to live without but yet have to accept the reality H/She has gone. life goes on.

What freaks me out is that I spend a lot of time & energy thinking of where to be & how to achieve my goals but forgetting when & where to start, and if I follow a path or a plan. I may end up with a dead-end. In each similar scenario, I have to take a detour & move forward. It works fine for me as I embrace it & considered as a necessity of growing up & to be more mature & wise. When it comes to a matter of love, I will hesitate & mostly will not get involved in. I’m not sure why? The scariest thing about love is, it can’t be controlled; it involves two person’s efforts when you put effort & energy into something, you expect results, but in love definition, when the other is not doing the same efforts then, it is a waste of energy; It downgrades you by the time pass by, makes you forgets everything. The scariest thing about love is you can’t guarantee this person would stay with you, in general, you can’t guarantee almost anything. When you decide to leave, you will force yourself to, it is not a self-willing act, a forceful act, you try to find any single reason to stay, but you ended up with the feeling of failure, rejection & disappointment.

The pain of losing the one you love, the significant other is so devastating, you need to recover but you are not willing to undergo this over again. The human is by nature expecting the worse & act accordingly.

You may on another hand, have someone is doing efforts to be with you, thinking that you as the other half of h/hers, you may think the same, you may feel that this is life & the one you had been in love deeply before was really not meant to you; you have learned the lesson since then. Logically, I have found my half now, this person is what I’m looking for, I should do some effort to keep this person close. Yet you still have this idea of losing whispering to you "it won’t end up like you want it to be". The pain inside still have a scar in your heart & soul.

It’s so painful! When the other half arrives late to your heart, trying to attach to your half. When you tried before to do the same from your perspective but didn’t work well. Your soul is so afraid, your mind is in chaos & your heart is so broken & you don’t feel you are ready to start over again. When you have an idea that not every happy beginning will end up as a happy ending. When you learn a lesson & becoming more mature, you will be more scared to get yourself again to the same scenario; it scares you a lot & everything will be less interesting.

I’m surprised how people able to go through this over & over again, I can't change my heart & shift my feeling that easily, it will take time to process & during this time, the other one will feel neglected & will stop trying. I have been loved twice; in each, I find it hard to overcome. The first I learned a lesson not to through all my feelings into, the second I was cautious enough to learn but yet have that idea when believing in something it will happen. The first is from other religion & beliefs which ended up in that way, she got married & I wished all the best she can have, I was living my life having her around. Far away but alive, when her son will be born, does she think about me? Even in seconds. My world was safe as long as she is safe. She was killed which torn my broken heart much more. The other, she reminded me of the first, she lightened my dark, cold heart again, I may say I hesitated right, I may say that things around were not helping, I may say I started to love her each day, I may say I felt I’m losing her, I may say I lost her, I may say it was a game over to my heart. I also wished her a good life, I also wonder if I ever jumped into her head for seconds.

People have asked me: When you will love someone? when you will get married? you are getting old. I may say: I loved with all my heart, not once, twice. In each I ended up heartbroken, I show a great interest of the person I'm in love with, I find hard to replace this person for someone else, A feeling of betrayal & guilt will overcome me & even if I overcome that feeling, I find it hard to start a new relationship, I Have been in love before, I ended up alone, I sometimes imagine if she texts me or sends me a message if she enters my life again in any form, I’m scared to see her again or text her back. My heart will beat fast, I feel like I have to put effort to please her, to have the smile on her face. I’m still in love with her in a way that I’m not willing to start a new love, not willing to do anything. It is better in that way & much safer.

Why Do I Miss Her?

© FB: Roadtrip

Why do I miss her? She moved away with her life, get married, Happy, I sincerely & always wish her good luck, but why do I miss her?

I'm living my life, everything is normal, but she is in my mind, no matter what I do? whatever the thing that distracts me, she came in a second & disappear, it is like she is telling me I'm here inside. You loved me down to the bone & you can't do anything about it.

Yes, I still do care about her! I sometimes ask about her, checking if she is doing fine? I 'm not sure from her end, frankly speaking, I'm not sure about her feeling, not the missing part apparently, at least the presence of me in her heart & mind. How's he doing? Is he still thinking about me? Did he find another girl to love? But all I ask myself is? Did she ever love me? why do I miss her?

 I used to build walls whenever love strikers, searching for that special one, I learned the hard way that you should not fall 100% in love & have loyalty to someone at the early beginning, You are not sure how the other person feels towards you. not sure how the ending will be. Well, I lost someone special, She died in a terrorist attack, It was something still can't bear it.

Since that time, I started to build my walls, rejecting every offer to open the gate to my heart. No, I don't want to! laughing to my co-workers without saying anything the reason why? I feel I'm Betraying her "whispering to myself" She died "My mind replies", I Know but, But what? you have to move on, no dear I won't.

                                   

Adele - Chasing Pavements

Years Passed & after throwing away every opportunity to start a relationship, I kept my walls high, Until I met her, & the lesson still in my head, Don't fall completely in love.

I started to approach slowly & wisely, She had that special halo around her, the same Halo I'd noticed with the first. She was a beauty queen but her inner beauty which i loved the most is charming, She was hiding that with big walls of her. Yes! she was that type, securing her heart, rejecting every offer to open it.

I've decided, no matter how difficult it is? I will be the one who opens his heart, make her inner beauty blossom outside. I tried & tried, Taking measurable steps & being extra cautious, after all, life gave me a lesson & it will be repeated until you figure it out, I was acting accordingly. I can say I got something "or it was a Facade", I was feeling more confident & happy "Or Maybe I was fooling myself" I remember how she opens up her heart, sharing her interests with me, her troubles. I was waiting for the right moment for me. I was preparing to start a new level, yes I had a tough time during the same days, in which during when I noticed I started to lose her, I was rejecting this Idea, My mind wants to build the walls again, My heart falls in love... Completely

Labrinth - Beneath you are beautiful

Then, it comes again, She got engaged, She has a new lover, Someone who opens her heart, she welcomes the new conquer throwing me away from her heart "Or maybe I wasn't there". The rest is history.

I'm not sure, Why do I miss her? we didn't have a relationship in order to reject me & feel the need to wants her? I even still questioning if my heart was fooling me all the time? Did she ever think of me? Does she really think about me from time to time? Does she really check about me? or, I'm not sure what to say? Her name is whispering in my mind. These questions I won't any response sooner or ever. It is a reminder to be like an Ice ALL THE TIME. COLD & Beautiful.

The Walls are so high now, I've turned to be very afraid to fall in love or even thinking about, I learned a lesson from this "or it is a lesson i made for me", If you love someone deeply if you find that special one that touches our soul, you won't get her.

Labrinth - Jealous 

No Matter how I try to hide it, it would show in any way available: My eyes, My Voice tone, My Nervousness about nothing, I missing her, the one who I'm not sure what she was in her mind & heart or what she is thinking right now? I Only Miss her.

As time passes, the more I understand that everything around me is starting to be less interesting, as long I have this void in my life, I'm not intending to fill it but, I'm missing her & Don't know the reason why?

لا تتزوجي عراقي..

لا تتزوجي عراقي..

 جملة قد تكون عادية بالنسبة لأي شخص لكن ما أن قرأتها, أمتلكني شعور غريب, شعور بالدونية و شعور بالذل والأحساس بالخطأ مع أنه الكلام غير موجه لي لكن القصد منه الرجل العراقي والذي أنا واحد منهم أذا, نوعا ما , الكلام يمسي وأن كان بطريقة غير مباشرة. والمبكي  عندما يصدر من أمرأة عراقية! هذا كان جزء من رسالة وداعية في مذكرات زميلة سترحل عن العراق كتبت بواسطة زميلة أخرى, كان دوري لكي أكتب ولفتت أنتباهي هذه الجملة. 

هذه الجملة جعلتني أفكر مطولا, من هو الرجل العراقي؟ هل هو ذلك الرجل الشهم القوي الحنون ذو القلب الطيب والغيرة؟ أم أنه مجرد شخص قاسي القلب , بارد, ذو أسلوب جاف ولا يملك غيرة؟  ما الذي دفعها لقل هذا الكلام؟ هل تجربة مرت بها أم ماذا؟ التجربة الشخصية لا يمكن أن تعمم على مجتمع بكامله, هل مبدأ السيء يعم و الجيد يخص هو الغالب؟!

حادث أخر حدث لصديقة أخرى بنفس اليوم, أثناء قيادة السيارة; حدث عطب في أحدى أطارات السيارة ونتيجة لذلك, يجب عليها تبديل الأطار المعطوب بأخر سليم, المشكلة الحادث وقع في مكان يتواجد فيه حرس وفيه أجراءات أمنية, هذه الفتاة لجهلها بعملية تبديل الأطار; كانت بحاجة لمساعدة رجل عراقي. للأسف!  الحرس كانوا واقفين مراقبين المشهد ومنتظرين الفتاة تقوم بتبديل الأطار! وبالرغم من مرور عشرات السيارات, لم يكلف أحد من هؤلاء الرجال الوقوف والسؤال فيما لو تحتاج مساعدة, اللهم حسب قولها شخصين ولكن منعهم الحرس!! نعم تم منعهم. الفتاة وبعد أن تكلمت مع المسؤول أضطر أحد الجنود لمساعدتها, الفتاة عند وصولها للعمل أفصحت عن ما في داخلها من حسرة وغضب وكره لكل رجل مر من عندها من دون مساعدتها وجاءت صديقة أخرى تساندها بالموضوع وكلامهما كله على مدى دناءة الرجل العراقي وعدم وجود الغيرة وكره كل ما هو عراقي.

هذا الكلام للأسف هو واقع موجود ولا يمكن أنكاره لكن لماذا دوما ننظر لنصف الكأس الفارغ ؟  لماذا السيء يعم والجيد يخص؟ تجربة سيئة واحدة لا يمكن أعطائها طابع العام , في كل مجتمع يوجد الصالح والطالح, فهناك الأشخاص الذي يبادرون وهناك الأشخاص لا تعرفهم لكنك تجدهم عندك في حال وقوعك بمشكلة. قد لا أذكر مثالا ليس لأني لا أملك واحدا بقدر ما ممكن أيجاد هكذا نوعية من الأشخاص أو الرجال بعبارة ثانية.

  المشكلة ليست فقدان الرجولة بقدر ما هي نتائج  تراكمية لمجتمع عاش حياته تحت ظل الحروب والجهل والفقر لثلاثة عقود ونصف والحبل جرار. قد لا يكون هذا الشيء مبررا لكن له النسبة العظمى, الزيجات الحالية تنتهي أغلبيتها بطلاق بسبب أنه الزواج تم لمصلحة مالية أو عرف أجتماعي أو أي سبب غير ناتج عن قناعة نابعة من القلب أو فهم خاطيء لمفهوم الزواج والشراكة الزوجية وحقوق كل شخص, السبب الأخر لغياب الشهامة, الغيرة أو الرجولة بشكل عام هو التربية العشائرية المبنية على تحقير المرأة وجعلها كائن للتكاثر فقط وسطوة الرجل في جميع مفاصل الحياة, قد يكون الأب أو الأخ أو الزوج ولي أمر الفتاة لكن عليه أن لا يكون ظالما بحقها فهي بالأخير أنسانه لها فكر وأحساس وكيان خاص بها, هذه النظرة الدونية لا تسمح للرجل بأن يبادر بالمساعدة للمرأة في حالة وقعت في مشكلة لأنه حسب عرفه يعتبر أهانة; فهي قد خلقت لخدمته وليس عليه أي واجب عليها. 

متى ما غاب القانون وغابت الأخلاق, أنتشر الفساد والعرف العشائري وسادت الأحكام المتخلفة, القانون العراقي فيه كل النصوص التي تصون المجتمع لكن جهل المجتمع بها وخوفهم من القال والقيل يحد من فعاليته , متى ما غابت هيبة الدولة سادت الفوضى ومتى ما غاب دور الأب والأم في تربية الأبناء فالناتج مجتمع مفكك فاسد وهذا أساس المشكلة وحلها.

Points of Nowhere

© FB: Art is a way of survival

I've been rolling over & over in the same place for a while, there's no time for silence in my mind. It's like my mind is trying to explode but my skull is holding it tight inside, a severe headache that knocking my forehead to get out. 

My vision is not so clear at the moment, I'm not sure who I'll be in a few years and who are the people I'll be with. But I'll keep going until it's all clear. I Have faith.

Big decisions require big sacrifice, life detours they say, A detour may open up to the big world, a world you would really flourish & find your self in & have your dreams on the process. Or, it may throw you back to beyond the starting point, to that little corner in the room where you always try to cry but you can't.

You are trying to be strong, all the time but in fact,  you are a weak inside, trying to hide it will kill you slowly & by the time you realize that, it may be too late to recover,

My happy side is hiding somewhere, and I'm trying to find it.

In people around me, in things, in places & in every little thing. Life gives a sign to follow, it may helps you to make a decision, if you didn't find it or ignore it,  you have to move on & find the next sign, it may not lead to the same direction but it will eventually lead you to what your heart desire, they say.

I have thoughts of me not reaching my goals, thoughts of people who left, died & have my heart broken, thoughts of things I wish I could do, but I couldn't. what if, what if I followed that sign, catch that opportunity, maybe & only maybe, I reach my goals & feel secure.

There will always be turning points, where we leave some people, leave some thoughts, some memories, and some mistakes behind us & begin a new life.

It is funny when after all these years, you are facing the same thoughts, these thoughts follow me before sleep. but instead of making an affirmative decision, you hesitate, yes, the typical you. The one who always hesitate when it comes to life detours.

But who knows, years passed have taught me a lot, looking to things in another perspective, goals may change, yes the main is still the same but the time forced me to drop this & that, add a thing or two, I feel numb now.

God, I know I'm only average. I'm not too religious. I make mistakes yet, I have a sense of right & wrong. Please guide me, I'm not sure where & how I will be. but I do know that, I lost people I love, detours I missed, signs I didn't follow, I lost my soul once & I'm not willing to live in worries anymore.